Saturday, 3 February 2007

Am not SCARED anymore.

Once upon time i was a girl who was scared about every single thing.
Scared of the outside world because for so long id been kooked up at home by over protective parents,who had me chauffeur driven anywhere i wanted to go to,they rarely let me go out to visit friends or even play outside..they believed everything i ever needed was at home and coupled with the abuse i just receeded into a world of my own.
Scared to speak to people,i didnt want people to look at me.I felt i wasnt worth it.Scared of what people would say at every point in time.I let the thoughts of others rule the decisions i took in my life.Scared of having to stand up for myself.Ud push me and id tell you i was sorry.
I am thinking bout how i used to be and am tearing up cause i feel so sorry for that person i was.

Last year i had to leave my hostel cause my mum said so for reasons best known to her, i had to start using public trans. Which i had never never used in my life.Prior to the day i had to start i had never known such fear in my life.Yeah its quite Laughable, i mean people use public transport everyday.Yeah people not me.

Iv been a girl who has never had to deal with outsiders,always had my family to protect me and deal with them,never had to fight for anything or standup for myself.What happens when someone calls me fat or some other name that'd totally shatter me,what do i do then,what do i say.

I didnt knw how to deal with that.I've never needed to,cause i just never went anywhere.I dnt know what to say,my self esteem was at a low place and i just felt like everyone was out to get me that once i was outside there attention would just be focused on fat ol' me and somehow everything else wouldn't matter to them..just tormenting my life.Looking for me to make that mistake so they can laugh.
The first three weeks of public transport was hard to deal with.I didnt knw any bustops or where to stop.But now am so proud of myself,lol you don't know how much.If might not seem like an accomplishment to you but to me it means a whole lot than entering a bus it means i overcame my fears.

Am not scared anymore,i can defend myself,i dnt feel like dying when people look at me.i mean it's only natural they would,they cant have enough of this 6ft of chocolatey goodness.Am not scared that someone would call me fat,i just brush it off my shoulder.

I know my way round now and i feel alot independent.I dont have to wait for anyone to take me anywhere,get up and go where i want.Back then if there wasnt anyone to take me somewhere i wouldnt go,even to school for an EXAM.I relied on people too much but not anymore and it feels good.

Am alot street smart now,my fear of crowds have gone up in smoke.Theres no where i can't go and nobody i cant talk to.And i do what i want regardless ofwhat bola or deji thinks.

It feels like am just starting to live my life.All those years i was in some cocoon and this beautiful butterfly has finally set herself free.I feel like am getting there.To happy.

I still have alot to do to finally be where i want to be.But its a process...I am not scared anymore.Laide's not scared anymore...

9 comments:

Gridl0ck said...

FIRST!

I guess we all have our fears. I still have a tough time finding my way around Lagos, but I am much better now: not a bad record for two years, eh?

I used to be scared of girls, and I would lose all my composure if approached by one. But that was in the past.

I'm still uncomfortable within crowds, sha (ten or more people, lol).

exschoolnerd said...

@gridlock...haay!!! ur first clap for urself..

well i still m uncomfortable within crowds but not like b4..before i just couldn't handle it..Happy uv gotten over your fear of girls..lol..come to think about it boys terrified me back then..sall good.

Anthony Arojojoye said...

My old sage used to say 'fear is man-made and can only be man destroyed'.
There's no better way to overcome fear than by making conscious efforts towards it.
I'm glad for you.

azuka said...

Glad you're opening up. As the saying goes, the first step to solving a problem is acknowledging it. Good luck!

Anonymous said...

Laide...good for you.Don't be scared my dear.You sound like a really lovely person.Your life will continually take shape and you'll keep growing strong. Be well

exschoolnerd said...

@all
thanks alot yall..i appreciate the words.Means alot.

Nilla said...

Glad you're no longer scared.
I understand the whole over-protective thingy by parents (happened in my household too).
The result of that for me was shyness.
Just like you're no longer scared, I'm no longer shy :-)

Omohemi Benson said...

Yeah girl,
I feel you on the over proctective thingie,
I used to be very shy,but I am now alot better,it somewhat affected my esteem too,but now Iam pretty cool.

No-one is a finshed product,we are all growing,learning every day and hopefully getting better.

segunkadri said...

Fear i would say has alot of sons and daughters but the most stubborn of all is the Anxiety like they define "Unknown Fear",not knowing what you been afraid of,it something am really trying to get over,i really happy you have been able to get out of your cocoon and fly like a butterfly but the world it more than what the eyes alone sees..........Laide you would grow with Lagos Sense in no time trust me........You dont need to tell someone who have a self esteem now b4 knowing........Thumbs up Tomboy...............lol..........i agree with benson's last statement "No-one is a finshed product,we are all growing,learning every day and hopefully getting better."