Thursday, 15 February 2007

Scary toaster

vals o! vals...hmm...ill post an entry on dat very soon..shey the day has come and gone...thnk God.

Okay so it's the day before valentines day and am heading back from school and all and i really needed to pee so i decided i'd stop over at the biggs in my area and do the damn thing o!

Okay on my way there this dude in this car stops and he's like "Please do you know so so and so"...i direct him and he drives off only to stop in the front and when i pass him he's like "Excuse me pls" thinking "shey dis dude na retard abi he has forgotten the directions already"...and he's like "Bebe!(strong ibo accent) not really looking for anywhere i just wanted to talk to you and they were too many people back there that's why i moved forward.Can i give u a ride to wherever your going"
And am like "No dont worry,am just going to biggs.Thanks" which was like 10 steps away from me.
I walk away enter biggs and go pee,i hadn't eaten all day so i just thought i'd get something to chow down.When i came out of the toilet who did i see....Mr man asking for directions was sitting down grinning.

Why do i attract such ibotic,huge thirty-ish aristo looking dudes...i know i look big and all but am a small girl o! These peeps should put me down jare,i no wear pant..(i know ur like worrafuck did i just's waffi for 'Lemme the fuck alone')

Ehen i go to the counter order my stuff and look for a seat and mr. man comes to sit down with me.

Him: "I Hope am not disturbing you oh" (YOU BLOODY WELL ARE)
Him:"But it's just that i just had to talk to you.
(Am doing my face like i just ate shit all the while he was talking so he can take a hint and know i dont want to listen to his ass.
HIM:I really like u,bebe u are too much.
HIM: odikwa riski riski riski(speaks ibo to me but not exctly that)
Me:(worrafuck???) i dont understand you!!
HIM:something something IBO?
Me: look i dnt know what you are saying.
HIM: arant you an ibo girl?
Me: Am not ibo...
Him: *shocked* That is a big lie but u look ibo o
(yeah yeah..if i had a hundred bucks for everyone who's ever told me that i'd be richer than oprah)
Him: warris your name?
Me: kemi(using my fake name)
Him: that is a magnificent name
(Oloyinbo!make u no go talk the one wey pass u now...if i had said sikirat he'd have said the same bloody thing o!)
Me: *smiling* Thanks
Him:so can i get you something..waiter!
(wai-kini...look this man dont disgrace me,we are in a fast food place not a restaurant)
Him: refering to the cleaning lady "Where is the waiter"
Cleaning lady looking at him like abi e le ti ya wereh(is this one mad)
Me: you have to go there and order and am fine i dont need anything
Him: Over in the states you can just call a waiter
Me:which states u don reach...anambra state...cause i haven't heard bout waiters in fast food places sha.
Him: your sure your okay
Me: yes
Him:Well baby do you believe in love at first site
Me: NO!!!
Him: well baby when i saw u i fell in love...thats is why i chased you all the way here.
Him: do u live around here?
Me: No actually i stay in portharcourt i just came to visit a friend
Him:(huge smile on his face) Portharcourt...ahh..this is fate...that is where i am base i just come here for assignment.
(cant even speak bloody english)
FUCK UP! do i get out of this now.
Him: Can i get your number so i can call you.
Me: I dont have a fone
Him: Big chic like you,okay can i get you one
Me: No thanks..
Him: why? it's no problem for me, i really do like you and would like you to meet my mother.
Me: say what say what?
Him: she will like you very much,am looking for a wife o!
Me: I am not looking for a husband.
Him: no woman isn't looking for a husband,i'll like to keep you as mine till am ready to get married.
( is this dude mad)
Him: can u do me a favour.(removes a ring from his finger)can u wear this ring and as long as u wear it i know u are mine.
(you don c mugu, u don c mugu, when i wear the ring i turn into an easily concealable yam tuber which u would proceed to take to prophet omoesu's ritualist cave..tufiakwa!)
Me: wear the ring for what,please i dont want
Him: begging me " please it would mean alot,okay just keep it you dont have to wear it.
(i no want comot for my face,I say no abi u dey craze,this thing don dey turn to disgrace)
Me: keep it for what,i dont collect stuff from people let alone a ring.
Him:Please now abi you are afraid it's a love ring
Me: i dont know maybe it is sef but i dont want
Him: (drops the ring on the table)How are u spending vals
Me: M staying at home
Him: can i take u out maybe to the cinema's
(lol probably expecting me to be all giddy with joy)
Me: am sorry i can't go anywhere,ill be busy at home.
Him: why are u proving difficult,i love you now..i gave u my ring u refused...i asked you for ur number u refused..okay can i give u my number?
Me: u can but i wont call
Him: (visibly angry)..what is 'strong' with you(shouting)
Me:(shuooo! just relax ur ibotic ass this minute why are u shouting) nothing is STRONG with me o! I have to be leaving...i stand up and take my leave.

Silly cow!

Can u imagine when i got home i saw the ring in btw my books that were on the table...maybe when i wasnt looking the fool slipped it there.Am scared o...i went to take annointed olive oil poured it on the damn demonic looking ringing and burnt the hell out of it..God forbid! For him to realy want me to have that ring there must have been something behind it.But am not a tuber of yam yet so am feeling quite good.

Help me thank God o!

Ill give testimony this week.


azuka said...

You have really enjoyed! All these toasters sef...

Yosh said...

"Arant you an Ibo girl?..." "What is strong with you" me see ibon... lmao!

By the way u said u made a face...with what I've seen, I don't think you making a face will make anyone out there think u r pissed off. ;)

You could carry on a decent convo with him. I know u didn't ask for it, but be careful o! Lagos na wa!

Simply Gorgeous said...

Ex- I laughed and laughed. He must be crazy! Seriously, I would have cursed his ass out. What the hell. Why do Nigerian men have to be so friggin aggressive. If the babe looks like she is not interested most likely she is not. Get a clue!

I had this guy one time follow me and my friend for so long in his car, even though I refused to speak to him. Nigerian men dey craze!!

What states? You are right to say Anambra or maybe Enugu. I live here and I never see any waiter in fast food joints. He just wanted to impress you. Idiot!! I am glad you burned that ring...

law_damsel said...

lollllllll, first n foremost dont 4 get 2 publish dat vals day is over post, will lift my 4 d toaster,at least u got vals present from him..lollllllll

exschoolnerd said...

@azuka..abi o! wen i frown i look horrid oh..its the guy shud have undastood.
@simply got that right..really crazy..givin me a freaking ring..for what?Silly naija men.
@law damsel..will be sure to post the vals day story.

kemi said...

Laide take it easy o!! That Lagos is full of mad and dubious poeple. That annoiting oil move was spot on best decision ever. As you never turn to yam I'm guessing it worked.
Please why must your fake name be Kemi that is my real name!! From today my fake name is Laide.

Anonymous said...

anointing oil, burn the ring, turn to yam.
i am truly disappointed. i was sure that an education destroy superstitions and evil spiritual conjectures of the mind.

i think i understood the guy.
he saw Laide liked her and was trying to impress her. that's all there was to it. Bet that ring was not made of gold.
next time i am in Lagos i will try his tactics. maybe it will work for me.

The Scientist.

Nilla said...

Lol @ (you don c mugu, u don c mugu, when i wear the ring i turn into an easily concealable yam tuber which u would proceed to take to prophet omoesu's ritualist cave..tufiakwa!)

LOl @ "nothing is STRONG with me"

I thank God for you oh!
Any normal person would be scared.
Na by force?

vindication through innocence said...

as in take that ring to church!!!put it inside your bible!!the power of God is greater than the power of the devil!though it was just me with these uncle ikennas and ikechukwus!!dang!!-so you ouddied from xanga!!

exschoolnerd said... binu...kemi is a lovely name..
@ the scientist..dont even get me started on that issue...if uv seen what ive seen then u wont say all wat uv said.
@nilla..thank you jare..better pesin.
@vindication thru innocence...yes oh am now here..i see u were on xanga who?

bimbylads said...

lol... couldnt stop laffing.. ! for real.

bimbylads said...

@ anonymous.. no be my business o, but i Strongly suspect u..

Ubong Da said...

Otio O. U sure say u neva disappear, hmm the bobo dey desperate o! Be careful maybe na your beauty dey make am kolo

Waffarian said...

hahahhaahhaah! I don't understand Naija guys, everytime a girl refuses their advances, its always the same question "what is wrong with you?" or even more popular "are you not a big girl?" hahahahahah


i was laughing all the way ( u don c mugu, u don c mugu) u crack me up. abeg be careful out there, kolo ppl dey this lagos o.

exschoolnerd said...
@waffarian..u talk true jare..that are u not a big girl annoys the hell out of me
@36inches...thanx girlie..ill be more careful o!

My Talking Beginnings said...

Hilarious!! But you should be careful of strangers in lagos, they is strange as hell!!!!

UnNaked Soul said...

LMAO! you know say you naughty... hmmm...

exschoolnerd said...


uknaija said...

This was so your sense of humour