Saturday, 31 March 2007

My cousin T.

my cousin T ,i know ive talked about her on m blog alot lately but what i am bout to share with you is something alot more serious, something that causes me alot of pain and i just dont know how to deal with it and i am hoping someone can give me some advice on how to deal with her situation.

Cousin T is 17, yeah shocked.From my stories u probably thought she was like 9 or 10.T came to live with us in 1996, i rmember vividly it was a day before my birthday 5th of april...

why has my cousin been living with us for that long?

Well my grand mother had two Wishes before she died, a lavish party which she got and for my father to help train one of his brothers kids and thata how tomi made her way from ibadan to Lagos.

An innocent looking 6 year old she was and was absolutely frightened of everything.She couldnt speak a word of english only yoruba so it was kind of hard for us to communicate.But we did one way or the other.
she was enrolled in my mum's Nursery and Primary school and a year later T was speaking english like it was going out of fashion..lol..blowing fo-ne for all and sundry, at one point she even forgot how to speak yoruba completely.

But the path i see that innocent young girl of back then taking is one that would lead to a life of tormenting herself with "had i knowns" and "i wish i had listened"

Let me break down the whole situation to you,i am not in anyway trying to out my cousin.If i didnt care about her i wouldnt bother what path she's taking cause i have my own problems to deal with.But because i can't sit back and watch her do herslef in i just had to post this year to get ur opinions...

T loves the pepper seller kind of life, truth be told.She's someone whom everything has been provided for her but she's never content.No matter how good or high in quality what she has is...its whats the pepper seller has that she longs for.

she's crass, uncouth, very rude and never listens.

I know she has some self esteem issues like i did back then and ive tried to help her with it but she just doesn't want to listem...

she lets what other people think about her rule her life and although i know many of us have been down that road before...me inclded..i now know how liberating it feels when you finally make up your mind to not care what the world thinks of u and the decisions you make cause you alone will have to deal with them in the end.


I know what she's going through but i feel if i had someone talking to me back then like i do to her, it'd have gone a long way.

she doesnt care about her studies one bit,i thought i didnt read in school but she doesnt even pick up her notes, that if they are even complete.Her going to school is gisting with friends about why tola is forcing herself on michael and carrying his book s home for him (true story)


I honestly believe that if she spent half the time she did on her hair on her studies..she'd be getting A's like no man's business.Honestly the most imprtant thing to her right now his her hair and you risk getting stabbed if you mess with her hair.

she's forever tightening her clothers..cutting them,destroying everything she has to make them shorter and tighter and ends up looking cheap and pitiful..which is really sad.


I asked her whats your greatest asset and she said "my shape"

And i said T dear your shape,ass and boobs can only get you so far,when it reaches a point where u really have to prove yourself what then would you do.The time when ur shape just wouldnt cut it...

She's using make-up after she has been warned not to, shes talking about bleaching and all...

I dont know what she's looking for but whatever it is she will find it oh if shes not careful..Her life is about pleasing outsiders she longs to be accepted and liked by everybody not realising that not everyone will like you...some will some wont..u cant please everyone..

She was expelled from her frist school and now she almost got suspended,she goes about with people she doesn't know..forgetting that Lagos is a dangerous place and not everybody that shines teeth with u is ur friend..

She's seen as a market woman on the street cause of the way she behaves..but i gues its the way you carry yourself that people address you right?

Every other day some riff raff that doesnt know his left from right is writing her some sordid letter or accosting her on the road...She's not the only teenager wher i live but the only one they feel they can step up to because of how she acts...

But T is not all bad..at all..she has her good sides and she's written me letter before that would put some supposed graduates to shame and if only she would focus....i saw the look in her parents eyes when they saw he rgraduation picture...they were very proud...

For someone to say "If i get pregnant my mother wil take care of the baby" just shows that she doesnt know any better.She doesnt know how the world is and its just so sad.She's forever with the bad friends..the ones that swear they are going to rock unilag when they finish school..that everyone will know their name. For what? For bottom power shey?
Never the one's that aim to make something out of theirselves...

It's been a while since she's seen her folks, could that be the problem?Or should she go back to Ibadan and get a dose of reality but am afraid the ibadan life is the kind of life she longs for and going back might prove drastic for her as she listens to no one...

The worst of all her traits is her amebo..I really dont like people tht make it a habit of mindin other people's business and its slowly making me like her alot less evryday.She's forever knowing who is pregnant, who is a witch or which brick layer called iya monsura a maloo..irrelevant stuff that wont help her life..she believes in over familiarity which i also detest.

She knows the first and last names of everybody on the street..names that i dont even know and iv lived there longer than her.thats because she minds her business.She can never be sent anywhere without there being a search party to look for her cause she talking chaw chaw chaw chaw chaw to one person or the other....i am tired...i have been talking to her for 3 years now,Gods my witness i have tried and she hasnt changed or listened...and i feel like giving up and letting whatever wants to happen happen...but if she was my sister would i allow that..no!

I have pleaded,talked,shouted....what else can i do..what do i need to do to get thru to her before its too late...everybody has tried even my parents..i jus dont know what else to do.


Obinna said she needs a good boyfriend(dont we all) since she listens to outsiders better.Maybe he can be the one to effect the change in her...but i dunno whether he's vying for the post...but she really needs HELP now...B4 its too late.

16 comments:

fifi said...

babes,
a word they say is enough for the wise. youve been talking to her 4 years. its time she is left alone and let life teach her ...thats the only way she would learn!!! its sad to say but i am talking from experience..

chicala said...

its rily sad she's strong headed oh, but hopefully, she doesnt end in the wrong path,thinking of her poor folks that are happy for her, that would be rily sad. I understand how u feel about the whole thing. But you can only do the best u can by giving her all the advice(welldone for that), in the end she wont say you didnt try to help abi.

azuka said...

Damn, I'm just a year older than she is. I thought she was just a kid with a sharp mouth.

SCOMISS said...

you talk and then you let her live her life, she has to learn on her own from her mistakes hopefully not great ones

Mr.Fineboy said...

She's 17 man, just leave her to it. When she falls flat on her ass, she'll realise it. Some people only learn by experience. meanwhile ur a clown o! "Iya Monsura called someona a maloo!" LMAO! keep posting!

law_damsel said...

ex, na wetin we go do 2 dis ur cousin....nd u wan carry me go MFM? Her first!!!..A word is enuff 4 d wise, she'll eventually get d meaning of dat proverb

chidi said...

this is very sad. I think she is just trying to rebel against everything and everyone. And just like you said, she cares more about what people outside think of her so she is trying hard to keep their image of her. A hard gal. This is what i think & seriously, i dnt think she needs a boyfreind (whether good or bad) because she would go and get herself pregnant. She needs to know that the people outside to not matter but her family matters the most and they would be the one to see her through life not all the people she hangs with.

Simply Gorgeous said...

Ex- I honestly think your cousin is in trouble. But there is really not much that you can do, self- worth comes from the inside. The only thing you can do is to make her feel worthy, hang around her more and do not ostracize her.

My sister was the same way. And now she is dead. So, go figure...

I think she misses her parents. Maybe your parents should allow her more visits to her parents house. That is why trashiness, she is looking for love, unfortunately in all the wrong places. Her parents should have never given her away at six, it is very traumatizing. As much as your parents wanted to include her she always felt like an orphan.

So try and be patient with her. No threatening just soft and gentle words.

tope said...

like almost everyone else has said, there's only so much you can do. however, there's a point at which you just hand people over to God for Him to do what only He is able to do. He can change her from the inside out - your power is limited where that is concerned. pray for her. pray, pray, pray. i don't ever underestimate the power of prayer. not ever. lift her up with prayers daily (like her life depends on it...because it does) and do what you can. pray for yourself, too...ask God for patience and strength for you to be a positive role-model and her light in the midst of darkness.

there's nothing God can't do, but there's only so much you can.

xx

Anthony Arojojoye said...

Everyone has a breaking point. Be persistent. You need to understand her the more so you can pass your message across effectively.

Yosh said...

Don't give up on her just yet, keep speaking to her like you truly do care. And if she notices you like being intrusive, she'd pro'ly want to be doing more of what you don't like just to kinda piss u off, but keep your cool. It's more hard cos she's a girl, you've done what you can and you won't give up.

omohemi Benson said...

Take easy luv,
Stuff like this reall hurt but theres nothing you can do but to keep talking to her,not in a spiteful way but in a loving way.
Be her friend and let her make her own mistakes.

Maybe it something from her immediate family,that she has learnt or seen as a child.
Just keep praying and talking to her, and sure you can let your friends be her friends too,showing true concern.

You are a good sister,and by example,she will learn from you.

Olu said...

all i can say is keep praying!!

Miss better life said...

i am 17 and i dont act like dat, i had my ups and downs too, evry teenage girl trying 2 find herself has, but a few slaps from the pple dat care about me put me back on track, so yh maybe shejustneeds a good ol' slap!

Voyeur said...

I agree with Simply on this one about keeping her close to you although that depends on her wanting your company as opposed to her other friends. Make yourself approachable to her - don't shout, criticise or berate, just let her be but show her in oter ways that you love and care for her and are there if she needs you. Even if things go wrong, try not to say I told you so - she'll already know.

There comes a point where people stop hearing what you're saying and it sounds like that point was reached a long time ago. It's such a cliche but it's true that you learn best through mistakes. It's like someone so madly in love with someone so wrong for them but they can't see it until that person hurts them. Even then it takes time for them to see clearly.

I also agree with the other comment that she might be craving time with her family. I was sent off to boarding school from the age of 9 and only saw my parents 2x a year. I displayed similar traits to your cousin because of a lack of self-worth. Although I knew my parents meant the best for me, I felt resentful at being away from them. I thought sex would make me appealing to men, hence spent a disproportionate amount of time trying to beautify myself. My family is wealthy however like your cousin I preferred to hang out with the 'razz' area boys and girls because they made me feel accepted so I understand where she's coming from.

Give her time, she'll hopefully come round.

@ Simply, sorry that had to happen to your sister.

Fatima said...

she's 17,so she's under what physcologist call the-teenage-stage-of-drama(or something of that nature)everyone has his/her teenage crazyness,it's her time.keep talking to her,don't get rough though,coz when i say crazy,i mean crazyyyyyyyyyyy. She can be capable of ANYTHING,the time will come when her head will cool off from the teenage-stage,and u would be the first person she will thank.Some don't have anyone to help guide them through their teenage-stage and go off like that,am sure that's not what u want from ur own cousin is it?So,continue,don't stop....we talking about just 3years more to go...if u can do it,so can she!!
You would be amazed!!