The characters in this play are my blogpals and friends. I apologize in advance to anyone who takes offence to his/her name being included in the play.
But I want u to know it was all in good fun, nothing serious so don’t be a wet blanket and sharrap and read will ya?
In the town of blogville resided the most beautiful girl in the eastern area of Nigeria. She was a beauty to behold. Her beauty was rivaled by no other and it was said that people from all over came to blogville just to catch a glimpse of this beauty that has made blogville so popular.
Her velvet skin, so smooth. Men praised the fullness of her breast and women cried in envy at all she possessed.
Her name was a joy to pronounce because it rolled out of the tip of ur tongue like sweet okro soup. She was called exschoolnerd.
Many a man would give an arm to take her for a wife but she always turned down their offers, stating that she was looking for the one, the bone of her bone and the flesh of her flesh.
Whenever she went to the stream to fetch water, people would troop there just to see this angel that lived in their midst and thank amadioha for such privilege.
One of such days when she was at the stream she met Simply gorgeous, but be not fooled by the name. Compared to exschoolnerd, simply gorgeous could be considered as plain. She was no match at all, but there was something that drew exschoolnerd to her, something she couldn’t quite explain but there was this air that surrounded her that seemed calming and warm and very likable and she and simply took to each other almost immediately and become very good friends…inseparable like to peas in a pod..
Every morning they would meet by the stream and talk all day long..
Simply: Ex, pray tell me have you heard?
Ex: heard what my friend?
Simply: That olu of Iyara town, the man that many women would gladly walk the market square naked for is coming to blogville to look for a wife.
Ex: which parrot told you such lie?
Simply: Amadioha strike me dead if I lie
Ex: Ha! You needn’t swear like that, but how did u hear such news?
Simply: you forget I told you my sister says in iyara with her husband and news has gone around about his plans to take you for his wife.
Ex: Take me for his wife, am I a goat on the street? Have I no say in the matter? What if I don’t want to marry this olu.
Simply: Ha! Ex any girl will kill to marry olu. Olu who possesses the body of a wine tapper, strong and firmer and a thing of beauty. Whose beauty rivals most kings.
Ex: I am exschoolnerd and I will kill for no man, body of a wine tapper of not.
Simply: okay oh!
Just then bimby and damsel two well-known rivals of exschoolnerd arrive at the stream with their buckets on their heads…
Bimby: Sister harlots! If u are planning to use ur harlotry to seduce olu ehn, u have another thing coming. Everywhere u go uve managed to use ur witchcraft to charm poor innocent men with palm kernels for brains, that cant notice a real woman when they see one..ex! ex! Ex! We will not hear word.
Damsel: abi o!
Bimby: can ex pound yam so smooth the men lick the mortar dry?
Bimby: yet all we hear from morning till night. Our ears know no rest.
Simply: jealousy jealousy, jealousy wil not kill some people oh
Damsel: will you shut up there! Follow follow, are you not tired of being exschoonerd’s wrapper?
Simply: and you bimby’s mouthpiece, if u were any more attached to her you’d be in her buttocks, give her some breathing space.
Damsel: Madness is ur bestfriend, cause if it weren’t so u wouldn’t be able to open ya mouth and utter such words.
Simply: you whose mouth fires off faster than a bullet out of a gun. May u not have ur tongue for breakfast one day. And may amadioha destroy that evil hole u call a mouth that nothing good ever comes out from.
Bimby: she is beautiful, she is beautiful, the beauty we have not seen oh, all she does is roll bottom and entice silly men who would call a pray mantis beautiful if it has a full backside.
Ex: wars have been fought over this backside my dear, the only war that can ever be fought over u is who gets to permanently seal up ur mouth and rid the world of the nonsense that comes out of it.
Bimby: say what you please, you that have trapped a thousand mean within ur legs, but olu will be mine and nothing can stop that from happening.
Ex: you can have olu for I have no interest in him. Desperation is your second name and I can see how far you would go to have him, lest just pray he is smart enough to run away from ur like.
Simply: Abi oh, you that rivals the parrot in talking, no man will want a woman whose mouth can be likened to a slacked pant.
Bimby: you dare talk to me like that, you wretched….
Ex: hold ur tongue lest I strike u down
Bimby: try it! Try it and see if I don’t beat the beauty out of you today.
Ex: you beat me, I have given a good beating to people twice ur size so ill have ur problem disconnecting ur neck from ur shoulders my dear.
Simply: get away jo! Jealousy will not kill you.
Bimby; Leave olu, that’s all I say,leave him or face my wrath.
Ex: what wrath, the wrath of a cockroach I’d sonner fret for before I fear ur wrath.
Bimby: we shall see.
Simply: carry your craw craw infested bottoms that no man wants and go away.
Bimby: you and I who looks like they harbor such disease in their buttocks If we do a thorough search will we not even find worse than craw craw in her majesties royal buttocks and her ever loyal squire.
Simply: Just leave jare, bad belle!
Olu: josh we leave for blogville tomorrow, to see this exschoolnerd that everyone speaks about and even the mosquito’s buzz her name. She must be beautiful!
Josh: she is, she is oh! I have seen her with my koro koro eyes. But she has a reputation of turning down men, riches and titles do not impress her.
Olu: No woman can turn me down, not even her.
Josh: well we shall see, Azuka from Oligbo has even asked for her hand in marriage but she turned him down, Anthony from Ijesha whose voice women hear and offer theirselves to be devoured by him has tried too, Mr fine boy from Lagos whom many women have fallen prey to with his honey laden tongue didn’t succeed either and Obinwanne and Trae famous warriors from okija and asaba respectively haven’t gone that far either.
Olu: you don’t mean it? Azuka that walks and women throw theirselves on the floor for him to walk lest his feet dash a stone.
Josh: Yes oh! That Azuka.
Olu: you don’t say, all those are men, women would gladly give a breast for. But you mean she turned men of such caliber away?
Josh: that is true, Mr. Olu.
Olu: well we’ll see about that. Afterall she’s not the only beautiful woman in all of blogville.
Josh: that is true, but she certainly is the most beautiful.
Olu: Maybe her beauty has intoxicated her like some potent palm wine. Exschoolnerd or not we leave for blogville tomorrow to find me a wife.
Josh: You should go to sleep now, for the journey to blogville is long and tiring and u will need all your strength.
Olu: I will, I will you too josh. Sleep well my friend.
Josh: Mr olu, sorry to disturb but why not just choose a wife from iyara, there are many that’d make good companions..
Olu: I want a wife not a tortoise, haven’t u seen iyara women lately?
Josh: Goodnight sir
Olu: good night josh.
(To be continued)