Dad decided to call me and cousin t to tell us we weren’t doing enough womanly activities around the house…e.g cooking.So he asked the cook Mr. Oyekusibe to teach us how to make amala, lafun and semovita.
Mr oyekusibe was having a field day rubbing it in our faces “Ah laide u no fit do amala, the thing wey my daughters don they do since dem be 5”….and the award for the youngest age to start making amala goes to lola and Deborah…oh gravy! Moving on.
It’s not that I do not know how to cook, on the contrary I am just not interested in cooking..i am not one of those females that find pleasure in achieving one culinary feat or the other and are constantly dreaming up things on the daily to prepare…the only way I could really be interested was if there was a t.v in the kitchen and it was air conditioned…and it was a em…state of the art kitchen like those u see on “Extreme makeover..home edition” ehen…I know “see my mouth shey”..well that’s the only way cooking can seem appealing to me.
Okay so Mr. Oyekusibe is explaining how we cook amala
“You go make sure the water hot well well, u go come take the elubo(amala powder abi watever its called)…pour am for the hot water and turn am well well till all the koko comot finish..after u go put small water for the pot again…light faya for im yansh….when she done..
“Ehn! She? Na who be she? I ask
“when she done, the amala”he answers
Amala get sex.?!?!?!…I’d love to see how a male amala looks like sha…
(Me and t bursting out in laughter)
“Wetin dey make una laugh” he says smiling.
“Nothing continue…ehhn when she done wetin we go do to her next?
“You go remove am for faya pourway the water and turn am well well and she done ready to serve..
Oh okay….na the same thing with lafun but you no go put am for faya…
Okay I replied and went back to my t.v watching.
He didn’t tell me that making semovita can be equaled to punishment oh..he left that out…so one Sunday I was feeling all womanly and was like I would do semo for my father so he wouldn’t think I am as useless as he probably thinks I am..
I put the water on fire and started preparing it…poured the semo powder…the thing wasnt taking form..which kain wahla..all of a sudden it became too hard…I was sweating like ehn…christmas elephant….i called cousin t…she had to hold the pot down and I had to use both hands to turn…chei after 30mins….it was finally taking shape…I was finally through…but for two days I couldn’t use that hand…from that day I swore that as for me and my hand we would not be partaking in any semo making activity …semo kini…no be only semovita…God go punish the semovita, they are not selling my type of hand in the market…especially a fine and delicate one as mine…
So if my proposed future husband is a semo addict im own don finish be dat,if na make we employ one small girl wey im work na only to dey make semo..im better…na for only cooking purposes oh..not chooking..if I catch that small winsh for bedroom..na pepper I go put for in yansh.
So you future dangote, double digit i.q having, reggie bush lookalike, with kanye west swagger and nkem owoh humour called my future husband…u dey hear me so..abi u dey read me so..if semo be ur favorite food make u find d place u go dey eat am…if na kil u wan kill me make u kuku give me heads up..semo ko..mose ni…because wetin I go take ur eyes see ehn, if u just mention my name and semo in the same sentence..e go be laik sey na winsh u marry put for house… Am not a cooking fan so better find expo and give me wey I go take locate ur heart cuz the stomach route doesn’t sit well with me
I sey make I cook..i no fit use hand for 2 days…biko…the amala sef na wahala.
Infact I don find one punishment wey I go dey give my pikin wen they misbehave..
Bimpe! Didn’t I tell u not to slap your brother again..u can never hear word…be looking at me like aja mi lo kpa…oya go and do semovita now now…idiat!
“Mummy no pls…mummy pls…I am begging u.mummy oh mummy…not the semovita punishment…pls mummy.I’ll never do it again…ill take first in class…ill be a virgin till am married….anything not to do that semo…
Okay go an siddown…stupid girl!
I wish I could just move back to my hostel so I wouldn’t have to cook…..i am so so tired…I think I need my own personal housegirl sef…u know she’ll follow me everywhere….at the bustop she’ll stop the buses and negotiate the price with the conductor and write down the plate number incase…if there is need to fight with the conductor she’ll do that too..lol…carry my books to class…find me a sit….
She’ll interview my toasters..
Oya you what do u want with my Madam?
“I likes her”
Oya gerrout and come back when u can speak English
“you nko wetin u find come here, u miss road…before I open my eye dissapear quick quick,u wan make my madam sack me without pay”
“Ehen you, you fit go talk to my madam..u try small…but 10minutes tops…then leave ur num,ber with me..we’ll get back to u…to see if uv been approved okay.
“you there if I kick u from here ehn….leave this venue right now…don’t ever come back…….ever ever again…wait come first take this N30 go buy mirror….look urself well well than slap urself for the mistake wey u make come here.
"you baba 70, ur time never reach....u never die...u still dey fine young young gers shey... oloshi...u wan come die for my madam house..alakoba.
I swear I need a small p/a oh….i know that’s the height of laziness….so sue me.