Tuesday, 8 May 2007

i hate cooking!!!!

Dad decided to call me and cousin t to tell us we weren’t doing enough womanly activities around the house…e.g cooking.So he asked the cook Mr. Oyekusibe to teach us how to make amala, lafun and semovita.

Mr oyekusibe was having a field day rubbing it in our faces “Ah laide u no fit do amala, the thing wey my daughters don they do since dem be 5”….and the award for the youngest age to start making amala goes to lola and Deborah…oh gravy! Moving on.

It’s not that I do not know how to cook, on the contrary I am just not interested in cooking..i am not one of those females that find pleasure in achieving one culinary feat or the other and are constantly dreaming up things on the daily to prepare…the only way I could really be interested was if there was a t.v in the kitchen and it was air conditioned…and it was a em…state of the art kitchen like those u see on “Extreme makeover..home edition” ehen…I know “see my mouth shey”..well that’s the only way cooking can seem appealing to me.

Okay so Mr. Oyekusibe is explaining how we cook amala

“You go make sure the water hot well well, u go come take the elubo(amala powder abi watever its called)…pour am for the hot water and turn am well well till all the koko comot finish..after u go put small water for the pot again…light faya for im yansh….when she done..

“Ehn! She? Na who be she? I ask

“when she done, the amala”he answers

Amala get sex.?!?!?!…I’d love to see how a male amala looks like sha…

(Me and t bursting out in laughter)

“Wetin dey make una laugh” he says smiling.

“Nothing continue…ehhn when she done wetin we go do to her next?

“You go remove am for faya pourway the water and turn am well well and she done ready to serve..

Oh okay….na the same thing with lafun but you no go put am for faya…

Okay I replied and went back to my t.v watching.

He didn’t tell me that making semovita can be equaled to punishment oh..he left that out…so one Sunday I was feeling all womanly and was like I would do semo for my father so he wouldn’t think I am as useless as he probably thinks I am..

I put the water on fire and started preparing it…poured the semo powder…the thing wasnt taking form..which kain wahla..all of a sudden it became too hard…I was sweating like ehn…christmas elephant….i called cousin t…she had to hold the pot down and I had to use both hands to turn…chei after 30mins….it was finally taking shape…I was finally through…but for two days I couldn’t use that hand…from that day I swore that as for me and my hand we would not be partaking in any semo making activity …semo kini…no be only semovita…God go punish the semovita, they are not selling my type of hand in the market…especially a fine and delicate one as mine…

So if my proposed future husband is a semo addict im own don finish be dat,if na make we employ one small girl wey im work na only to dey make semo..im better…na for only cooking purposes oh..not chooking..if I catch that small winsh for bedroom..na pepper I go put for in yansh.

So you future dangote, double digit i.q having, reggie bush lookalike, with kanye west swagger and nkem owoh humour called my future husband…u dey hear me so..abi u dey read me so..if semo be ur favorite food make u find d place u go dey eat am…if na kil u wan kill me make u kuku give me heads up..semo ko..mose ni…because wetin I go take ur eyes see ehn, if u just mention my name and semo in the same sentence..e go be laik sey na winsh u marry put for house… Am not a cooking fan so better find expo and give me wey I go take locate ur heart cuz the stomach route doesn’t sit well with me

I sey make I cook..i no fit use hand for 2 days…biko…the amala sef na wahala.


Infact I don find one punishment wey I go dey give my pikin wen they misbehave..

Bimpe! Didn’t I tell u not to slap your brother again..u can never hear word…be looking at me like aja mi lo kpa…oya go and do semovita now now…idiat!

“Mummy no pls…mummy pls…I am begging u.mummy oh mummy…not the semovita punishment…pls mummy.I’ll never do it again…ill take first in class…ill be a virgin till am married….anything not to do that semo…

Okay go an siddown…stupid girl!

I wish I could just move back to my hostel so I wouldn’t have to cook…..i am so so tired…I think I need my own personal housegirl sef…u know she’ll follow me everywhere….at the bustop she’ll stop the buses and negotiate the price with the conductor and write down the plate number incase…if there is need to fight with the conductor she’ll do that too..lol…carry my books to class…find me a sit….


She’ll interview my toasters..

Oya you what do u want with my Madam?

“I likes her”

Oya gerrout and come back when u can speak English

“you nko wetin u find come here, u miss road…before I open my eye dissapear quick quick,u wan make my madam sack me without pay”

“Ehen you, you fit go talk to my madam..u try small…but 10minutes tops…then leave ur num,ber with me..we’ll get back to u…to see if uv been approved okay.

“you there if I kick u from here ehn….leave this venue right now…don’t ever come back…….ever ever again…wait come first take this N30 go buy mirror….look urself well well than slap urself for the mistake wey u make come here.

"you baba 70, ur time never reach....u never die...u still dey fine young young gers shey... oloshi...u wan come die for my madam house..alakoba.

I swear I need a small p/a oh….i know that’s the height of laziness….so sue me.

16 comments:

Overwhelmed Naija Babe said...

lmao.. this is the funniest thing i've read in a longass time... lol.. babe you had me bursting out loud here and i'm by myself oh.. anybody around will now think i'm one mentally unstable chick like that... lol... my dear i feel you on the not cooking jare... i dont really know how to make anything but jollof rice.. i mean everything else is a fluke so homeboy beter be a good cook, have the money to hire a chef or love takeout as much as i do... then well live happily ever after.. lol...

your job for your personal assistant... i love.. if you find one.. abeg ask them if them get sister or cousin when fit be my own self... and dang.. i'm first.. i dont think this has ever happened before... let me savour the sweetness and enjoyment of this moment... now i finally know what it feels like to come first on your blog... i only wish i could put this feeling in my pipe and smoke it...

Simply Gorgeous said...

Ex- babe sorry for the delay...You know Yosh will get you househelp I don't know about the age all my househelp will be male not female... Me I don't think or take anything lightly .. Go with the all male staff they are strictly for my viewing pleasure (smile).

Besides men can clean better and cook better than most women I know.

יושה (Yosh) said...

"...pourway the water..." lmao!

@SG: I don't go the househelp way...I'm frugal like that! We'd scrub the bathroom together on weekends, clean the kitchens, pick the cobwebs, take turns with the dishes and cooking etc...

exschoolnerd said...

@overwhelmed...i always love ur comments..always long and entertaining...no wahala ONB..if m lucky to find one small housegirl,ill organize one for u too.lol..

@simply...me and yosh are not talking.so nothing can ever happen between us...and where have u been..update ur blog already...and i hope ur not another gabrielle solis in the making(scoping ur house boy)...hmm na wa o!

@yosh...we r not tlking remember.

Fatima said...

Hey i liked ure funy short story!!we have alot in common u know...i like writing (but damn too lazy for it).I started a book "Living in Shadows" but still on the third chapter...like three years ago...lol...i think the words have rust by now (on my flash drive...lol)but i pray for the strength....and for the tv to die for awhile....to finish the book!!lol...i bow to ur efforts and girl u got some talent...maybe i can hook u up!!email me:fatimsani@yahoo.co.uk...halo ;)

Ugo Daniels said...

Two Words: Very Nice

יושה (Yosh) said...

See, I'm concilliatory and you are sounding so last two weeks, or so...get over it already! :-P

Ok, ok...Where'd you want us to go spend the evening? Maybe we should

Simply Gorgeous said...

Ex-how long does Yosh-have to beg... He is offering for you and himto goon bended knee and scrub together (sniff..sniff...) that is so romantic....

I am begging for him please forgive him already... after all he did not murder any body...

No I am not going tomolest the help... I will just appreciate from the distance...(smile)

azuka said...

I, on the other hand, love to cook although I hate the cleaning up that has to come after it but it's something I just have to do :-(

You dis girl -- you no well oh! By the time one guy wey get half-past-four eye give Chinwendu [that should be her name] twenty naira... you go hear 'ween.' Automatic matching... :-D

Bubbles said...

LMAO!!! This is some funny shit. You really had me going with the amala being a "she" thing. Then the scenerios with ur toasters and ur imaginary PA was crazy. I liked.

omohemi Benson said...

shExschoolnerd, you don craze it finish.
I love Amala but am not very good at making it,I agree with you on this

the only way I could really be interested was if there was a t.v in the kitchen and it was air conditioned…and it was a em…state of the art kitchen like those u see on “Extreme makeover..home edition” ehen…I know “see my mouth shey”..well that’s the only way cooking can seem appealing to me.

I loved this post.

My Talking Beginnings said...

Actually semovita is quite easy to make. All you have to do is make a watery paste using cold water first of all and then put that on the hob stirring in one direction till it gets firm. that way, you maintain a steady pace and keep track of how thick you'd like it to be!

exschoolnerd said...

@fatima..will definately holler...
@ugo daniels...whats with this one word two word comments...take ur time oh..

@yosh did boi u will nt leave me alone..shebi u fashied my side and choose that other broad.

@simply...ds woman u again....yosh's apology is quite late dont u think..

@azuka..lol @ chiwendu...half past four eye..tufiakwa...not my portion..
@bubbles...thnx for readin sweets...

@omohemi...okay so i feel alot better knowin ur crap at something too..thnx for putting a smile on my face omo..

@my talking beginings...hmmm a hdden talent perharps....ud be the last pesin id think wud be able to ake semo....

Justme said...

"reggie bush lookalike, with kanye west swagger and nkem owoh humour"
nice combo, when you find yours, make sure he has a twin bro (so i can take the twin)

dolly said...

Bimpe! Didn’t I tell u not to slap your brother again..u can never hear word…be looking at me like aja mi lo kpa…oya go and do semovita now now…idiat!

“Mummy no pls…mummy pls…I am begging u.mummy oh mummy…not the semovita punishment…pls mummy.I’ll never do it again…ill take first in class…ill be a virgin till am married….anything not to do that semo…

Okay go an siddown…stupid girl!

Laide, you're a clown..... Nice read

Afolabi said...

most girls from rich homes in nigeria are always not interested in cooking, like my sis, I guess its cos they have a more secure avenue to express or not to express what they love to do. But thosefrom less priviledged backgrounds just have to learn to cook in order to secure some part of their future(who will cook for my husband).