I was walking down my street, heading home when a call came in on my phone.
Caller i.d read “Deji”
“Wassup” I asked as I answered the call.
“I am fine, just chilling at the crib. Where u dey?”
“Am heading home just went to buy some stuff”
“Do you think I can see you today? I am leaving for jand tomorrow”
“Er well I don’t know oh!”
“Please laide, I just want to see you before I go, it’s boring here. Just come over lets hangout.”
“Are you coming?”
Everything in me said no, the voice within said don’t go, say no, just go home.
I knew I should have just gone home but I was worried I’d be alone with my ever steady companions- boredom and loneliness whom I saw a little too often. I didn’t want to be with them today, no not today.
“Yes I’ll come just give me an hour and I’ll be there” I remember saying.
“Okay, I’ll be expecting you”.
I got home, took my bath, got dressed and found a taxi. I gave the driver directions and drifted into one of my mini-mind escapes trying to drown the voice within that kept saying “you should have stayed home”
Well it was too late now.
An hour or so later I was at his house, I waited for him in the parlour while he had his bath. Minutes later he came out and we exchanged pleasantries.
“L.D long time, you’ve been avoiding me shey? He asked smiling
I smiled back.
“No I haven’t just been caught up with school and all.
You look a lot different from the last time I saw you.
“Is that good or bad?” I asked uninterestedly.
“Good…infact very good”
I have never taken too well to accept compliments so I just smiled and nodded thinking “yeah keep bullshitting me”.
He offered me a drink and we talked about all sorts, football, Manchester united that we both supported and he played a dvd of theirs and we watched in silence.
After a while he excused himself and entered one of the rooms and was out some minutes later with a bottle of “Jack Daniels” in hand
”Do u want some” he asked
“Nah, I don’t do alcohol” I replied.
He came over to sit beside me, at this point I started to feel uncomfortable. He reached out and tried to rub the sweat off my nose.
I flinched uneasily, I don’t take too well to people touching me.
He moved a little bit closer and I moved away but then he grabbed my hand and pulled me closer and started kissing me and touching me all over.
I tried to push him off but he was so strong, I tried even more with everything in me but he just won’t budge.
“Deji stop, Deji pls stop” I remember begging him. But he didn’t.
He got on top of me and held me down with his knees while he took off his pants.
He was wearing a condom.
It began to dawn on me that this was real, I might actually get raped. So I fought harder.
“Deji what are you doing? Please stop this, please get off me” I said with tears in my eyes.
But he wouldn’t listen, he seemed like a different person, it was almost as if he was in a trance. He took my trousers off, while I tried to fight him off but to no avail. He was too strong.
Ten minutes later it was all over. I had been raped. I felt dirty. I felt like it was my fault. I could have fought him off even stronger. But I did, I swear I did.
I got my things and made my way for the door, as I opened the door he pushed some naira notes in my palm for a taxi.
No “Laide I am sorry” not that it would have made a difference, he said nothing, he just acted like nothing happened. He walked back into his room while his back bade me farewell.
I felt like a whore, I looked at the money in my hand, I felt like I was being paid. If I had enough money for a taxi I’d have thrown his filthy money on the ground. But I didn’t and I had to get home, it was getting late.
As soon as I got down I spotted a taxi, I gave the driver directions and I handed over all the money to him.
“Sister na 1800 you give me oh, na 1000 I call am” the driver said.
“ I dash you the rest”
“Ah, N800 naira…thank you oh.
He looked at me through his mirror.
At that point I was tearing up.
Sister are you ok?
Yes I am ok..lets go abeg.
The traffic meant I got home two hours later. I rushed out of the taxi as soon as it stopped near my estate. I think the driver said “God will bless you!” as I entered.
I got home, went straight to my room, turned off the lights, threw myself on my bed, curled under the covers and cried my eyes out.
Two months later I missed my period. The end of my world began.
I was bewildered with thoughts. What will my family say? What will people say? What will become of me, what will I tell this child when it’s born? What about school? Who will believe I was raped?
I had visions of my mum breaking my head with a pestle.
The only person I told about my predicament was my boyfriend at that time. He supported me all through, and provided a shoulder to lean on and an ear to bend during one of the hardest times in my life. If he wasn’t by my side comforting me I would have lost my mind. He told me it was just nerves and I shouldn’t get worried.
But worrying is my second name.
I cried on his shoulder and he told me everything would be okay.
He advised me to take a test and some days later i made my way out to look for a pharmacy. I made sure it wasn’t one near my house. The last thing I wanted was for tongues to start wagging. I looked for one far away, somewhere where they didn’t know me. Where my secret would be safe.
I asked the sales girl for two pregnancy test strips, she stared at me like I was some whore.Like “You have gone to do, now ur eye has come down”
“Silly cunt, stare all you want, you are the least of my problems” I thought to myself.
I hurried home and waited for the next day, for some early morning urine. My urine became my best friend I can’t remember giving my urine that much attention until then.
As I took the test all I kept saying was “be negative” please “be negative” please “Just one line” not two, just one. Please God let it be negative.
And it was negative but that didn’t stop me from worrying, I was so convinced it was wrong. I tried another test and had the same results but that didn’t allay my fears.
Did I mention worrying was my second name.
If I wasn’t pregnant where did my period disappear to? Why did it choose this moment to suddenly disappear? I never thought id ever miss my period. But I did and wanted to see that red stain I so hated. I wanted the cramps of it would end my misery. I was sad, I was depressed but most of all I was scared.
But my boyfriend kept assuring me that all would be well. I really wanted to believe that would be the case but I couldn’t.
During that period everything was a sign, I had an ailment at that time that meant I had to spit a lot but I attributed it to the fact that I was pregnant. I read books on pregnancy, surfed the internet and did enough research. Found out the signs and it seemed like I had every one of them or was it my mind playing tricks on me?
Body aches (check)
Morning sickness (check) or maybe I imagined I was sick
Breast swollen (Check) I couldn’t figure out if my breast were always that size.
Baby bump (check) I couldn’t remember whether my tummy had always been like that or there was a baby bump.
And I didn’t know which one scared me the most. Finding out it had always been like that or it was a baby bump but the latter scared me a lot more.
I made a mental note to always remember how all my body parts look so I can know the difference at times like this. Not that I pray a time like this will ever happened till I was ready.
I was imagining I hear voices in my tummy and felt things moving inside me. I’d press down my tummy with my finger and I’d feel something like a heartbeat.
I WAS GOING MAD!!!
Pregnancy paranoia they called it on the internet.
A pretty way for saying MADNESS!!
Tayo o. told me I would be okay but I didn’t believe him
Tayo b said I wasn’t pregnancy but I still didn’t believe him.
Abortion? It crossed my mind, but I couldn’t, it’s already two months old. But even if it wasn’t. I couldn’t.
Tears, more tears, even more tears, a lot more tears. I cried endlessly.
What happens to the plans I had?
My boyfriend advised me to buy more strips, I buy two more. Sales girl was now confirmed I was a whore.
Do I have to call you a cunt one more time and remind you how much I don’t give a fuck?
The tests were negative again. I still wasn’t convinced. Where is that damned period?
But he used a condom, but I have never trusted those things. Some overzealous fucker of a sperm could have found its way out to meet some equally eager cunt of an egg.
Deji I curse you and the day you were born.
It was the forth month and I still hadn’t seen my period, my boyfriend was convinced I wasn’t pregnant but couldn’t convince me so he suggested I take a blood pregnancy test. I found a clinic and he offered to pay for me to have it done.
A week later I saw my period.
Remind me to do thanksgiving in church, on second thoughts not such a good idea.
But I was still not convinced.
But after a while and I noticed the baby bump didn’t grow any further I realized I was just paranoid and I thank God I wasn’t pregnant.
One of the toughest times in my life and I thank the people that were there for me. You know urselves.Thank you very much.
Morale of this story…listen to that voice within, that tells u at times to do something or not to do it.u could be saved the kind of misery I went through.