Tuesday, 21 August 2007

BILIKI GOES TO AMELUCA!!

For those of u, who understand yoruba...read the yoruba words..its more interesting..those who dont..the meaning is in italics....its long but enjoy!




Biliki’s joy could not be contained. The news baba ibrahim brought was more than joyous.

Baba so mean kpe emi bilikis I wi be living in eh America? She asked with a tinge of disbelief in her voice.

“Beeni” he answers reassuringly.

She dances around the small one bedroom apartment she lived in with her parents and her four siblings while her parents look on happily.

“Ose o jesu a o ba ni yo! O se o jesu olorun a yo wa.Ose o jesu a o ba”……they all sing merrily at the news”

“Ah oluwa ose o! bilikis o mo mi ma lo si ameluca!! Ah ah ah..ese o!(Ah thank you jesus,My daughter Biliki will go to America,ah thank you o!)

“But ehn o ma need ko ma prepare fun o jo to ma lo o!”adds baba ibrahim

“Baba Biliki so ni any body to n wa ni America, ti Biliki can stay with?”

“Ah! Ah! Ah! em Broda me lekan ati yawo , won gbe ni …...mo ti gbage oruko ibi ti won wa….eh boya miliki? Abi omimi..ah mo ti gbabe o! (My brother lekan and his family stay at…I have forgotten the name of the place o! maybe it is miliki? Abi omimi? Ah I have forgotten)

“Shey Miami ni?” Baba Ibrahim chips in.

“Ehen Mi-A-mi ni..yes Mi-A-mi” He says with heavy Yoruba accent.

“O ma need ko so fun won nipa Biliki ko bere boya Biliki le wa gbe ni be, Ko wa ko se and maybe ko lo si school” (You will need to tell him about Biliki and ask if Biliki can stay with them will she works or goes to school)

“Ah ma worry, to ba de ola ma kpe won” (Don’t worry I will call him tomorrow)

“Okay a ma rira lola, mo fe ma lo” (Okay we will see tomorrow I have to go now)

“Ah baba Ibrahim, ese o! a dupe…ese dada…E ba wa ki Iya iBrahim o!” (Thank you Baba Ibrahim, greet you wife for us)

“Odabo!”

“Thank you sir!” Biliki manages to say as she sees him off.

She makes her way back but seems to be lost in her thoughts and doesn’t see her siblings by the door.

“Aunty bilikis mo fe yagbe!” (Aunty Biliki I want to shit!)

“A temi na!” adds the littlest one.(Me too)

“E mi na o!” (Me too o!)

“Wa yagbe si enu mi now!” she barks back at them. (Come and shit in my mouth)

“Ori eyin mete ta ti daru, emi! Kin ma ma gbe yin lo si toilet…kin ma nu idi fun yin….emi ti mo n lo si America!!!..eh!” She pinches her shirt by her shoulders and lifts it up and turns around as if displaying herself with a smug look on her face. (The heads of the three of you are not correct, I should take u to the toilet, me that am going to America)

“Te ba kuro lo ju mi ma fe lu e pa, se ti n ba de America o ma wape mi kin wag be e lo si toilet, e lenu jati jati” (If you don’t leave my front e, I will beat u die.Shey if I reach America you will call me to come and carry you to toilet, Ur mouth jati jati…lol)

She walks in and pushes them out of her way while they rain curses in mid tones on her as she enters.

One of them mimics her in a silly voice, imitating her mannerisms, while swaying his hips like a woman.

“Emi ti n mo lo si Americat, o fe ki n nu idi fun e, To ba de Americat sef won ma le yin pada”

The others laugh mischievously.

The next day she couldn’t wait to break the news to Bibi at work.

“Biliki where is our breakfast now?”

“I have do it, it is in the microwave”

“Aunty bibi, I am going to America o!”

Bibi laughs and twitches her nose at Biliki, dismissing the announcement as just another one of her jokes.

“Serious, I win Visa lottery. I am going to live with Uncle me in Ma…ma.mi..ma…America!”

“Are you serious? Biliki talk true I hope sey u no dey lie o!”

“I swear aunty Bibi, if I lie make devil faya my yansh”

Bibi chuckles at her last statement.

“Ah! Only you..that is good oh I am happy for u!”

“Aunty Bibi I will see pariz hittin, and beyons…ah emi no ma ma jo bi beyons oh”

“Ah o ma ri mi ni fideo(you will see me in video)…she shakes her body and starts singing…I will sing that song you taught me.

“We ri the club, we ride slow, we do d tins dat d ges don’t do. The boys meh, all my ges with their gele skentele”

“Hmm I didn’t teach you that one o!”

“Hmm at least I try now!”

“Ah Aunty Bibi is you I will miss o!, I will write you letter when I get to America.

“Okay Biliki, I will write back.

Its months after Biliki heard the good news about her Visa lottery win and tomorrow’s the day when that dream finally becomes a reality and she gathers in her small apartment along with her family while they bid her farewell in their different ways.


“Aunty Biliki so ma ra dolly baby fun mi” Shalewa asks

“Emi mo fe motoka !” Taofeek adds. (I want motoka)

“Me I want play station oh!” Junaidu says.

“Play kini? O ri da bi play station…instead ko so fun won kpe ko n mu iwe fun e ko ma ma ko.. enu e bi ti aja, Olodo!!” Iya Biliki says reprimanding him. (Play what? Your head like playstation, instead of asking for books so you can read, you mouth like that of a dog’s, olodo!)

“Ah mummy ko si wahala ni be, ma mu gbogbo nkan to n fe ati fun yin ati daddy” (Ah mummy there is no problem I will be bring everything they want and for you and daddy)

“Ema lo se nkan jaku jaku ni be oh! Ke ma gbo nkan ti Uncle e so fun e o! Ko ma respect yawo uncle e na. E ma ja, because won ma le e danu.Mo ti so fun e o! Je ki o ri kpe Biliki..So gbo?

“Mo ti gbo daddy!” She says as she yawns and gets up.

“Oya eyin mete ta ke ko ara yin lo sun” Baba Biliki orders the three littlest kids. (The three of you go and sleep)

“Afe sere pelu aunty biliki” one of them answers (We want to play with aunty Biliki)

He picks up one of his shoes.

“Ti n ba ju bata yin si enu e, o ma dide n be lo sun lori (MAT IN Yoruba), Je ki Aunty e lo sun. (If I throw dis my shoe inside your mouth, ull stand up and go and sleep on ur mat)

They stand up reluctantly and walk over to their mats and lie down.

The next day baba Ibrahim arrives to take Biliki to the airport,she bids her family goodbye admist tears and follows him inside his taxi.

Inside his taxi he tells her some few things she needs to know.

“When everybody dey comot from plane make u sef comot o till u enter airport, when u enter airport make u wait for the place wey dey call arrival lounge..Uncle lekan go don dey dere and as I don send am you picture, he go recognize you and una go go im house..so gbo?

She nods her head.

“You mean sey I go enter airomplane, e go dey fly and I go dey inside, ah I dey scare o!

Baba Ibrahim laughs.

“Yes biliki, but make you no fear o! Nothing go happen. Make you just behave yourself well well, make you no cause wahala o!”

“Okay!”

In no time they get to the airport and Baba Ibrahim waits till she boards her plane before he leaves.

Biliki had never imagined she’d be on a plane in her life. The interior looked weird to her, she had seen it in movies before but seeing it now seemed surreal. She was led to her sit by a hostess.

Minutes later a middle aged white woman joins her.

“Hello” the woman says smiling.

“Hello!” she replies embarrassed, it was the first time she actually spoke to a white person.

The captain announces that the plane will take off any minute. When it starts moving Biliki gets hysterical. When it lifts off she goes mad!

She takes on look out the window and starts screaming.

“Jesu! Jesu! Jesu! E gbe mi sile! Gbe mi sile o!!!!....ye ye ye!!! Ah so Baba ibrahim fe kpa mi…ah ah ah…..gbe mi sile….mi fe lo si America…Oluwa o! we go dieeeee o!!!


A hostess rushes to her side.

“Miss what is the problem why are you screaming, you are scaring the other passengers”

Biliki grabs her head admist tears.

“I scare who? Na me scare….you wan to ki me for my family….i want to come down..no no no take me down….”

“Calm down! Is this your first time flying?”

“Fly ke…. Se emi ati ewo la jo n fly”

“She gives the woman a waka sign”

“Is this your first time on a plane?”

Biliki nods.

“Calm down sweetie everything will be okay!” The lady beside her says comfortingly.

Biliki hisses.

“Ki le le n so”

She looks out the window again.

“Ah!!!! Oluwa o! Jesu o sope eyin ni baba..o sope tab a kpe oruko ehn…ah jesu!!! Baba Ibrahim ko ni da fun e lai lai o fe kpa mi, o fe kin ku danu.ye o! ye o! ye o!....Mummy mi o!!!!...yeeeee!!!”

“Please woman you need to calm down, please just close ur eyes and stop looking out the window. Madam please can you switch sits with her so she doesn’t look out anymore”




They exchange sits and Biliki begins to quiet down.

“Just close ur eyes and breathe” The woman beside her instructs.

Surprisingly Biliki obeys.

She sleeps for the rest of the flight, snoring and talking in her sleep much to the disgust of most of the passengers.

As Baba Ibrahim instructed her she makes her way to the arrival lounge, she had never seen so many white people. She takes a sit, but something catches her eye and she runs towards a skinny blonde girl screaming at the top of her voice.

“Pariz!!! Parizz!!! Parizz hittin!!!”

Everybody turns to look at the girl running and screaming the name of a celeb they know too well.

She gets to the blonde girl.

“Parizz!! Mo ma n ri e ni TV”

“Huh! What is she saying” The blondie says referring to the guy beside her

“Oh my God she thinks you are paris Hilton” he replies

“What!

Biliki tries to hug her and she shoves her violently.

“Get the fuck off me am not paris hilton” she screams

“Why u push me? Ko ni da fun e! O wo bo se ri….lepa oshi…oloju wonko wonko.”

“Mcheeeew!!! She hisses and walks away.

“That bitch is crazy!” the blonde finally says and walks away.

Biliki walks back to her sit,while everybody stares at the crazy girl who just though she saw paris Hilton.

Meanwhile, Uncle Lekan searches frantically for Biliki along with his wife and kids.

“Have you seen her yet? He asks his wife bose

“Not yet but lets keep looking”

“Wait I think I see her!” he says

“Where?

“Over there”

They walk over to her and he introduces himself and his family and the all head home.

Six months after Biliki had been in America, her english had improved slightly, she knew most places now and she was working for her uncle in his diner as a waitress until that day.

“Excuse me!” a couple signals to Biliki

She takes down their order and they wait patiently for her.

Thirty minutes later and their food wasn’t ready and they tried to signal her to come over. But she dismisses them with her hand.

She finally brings their food.

“What is this? This isn’t what we ordered” The woman says

“Ehen? I think it is what you ordered o!”

“This isn’t what we ordered please take it away and bring what we ordered”

Biliki is back thirty minutes later with a different meal.

“What is happening here, we didn’t order this either. What is wrong with you?”

“The both of you are mad!

“What!” they both say I disbelief

“Ti e ba fe jeun ke ma ko ara yin kuro jare” (If u don’t want to eat leave jare)

She starts packing the plates.

“Leave those plates and get us your manager” he whoman says putting her hand over the tray to avoid Biliki from carrying it.

“What happen to your leg?” she says and hisses.

“Kuro jare!” She flings the woman’s hand away.

“See as e be like ponmo wey dey never wash, d won wey e don chop never do am.” she says while clearing the table.

“Are you insulting us in your language” the woman asks?

“Ah no! why now”

“Iya apati, bloam bloam oshi” she says

“Bitch!” the white woman replies.

“Emi! Beesh! Biliki springs into action drops the plates and pulls the womans hair, which happens to be a wig.

“Gorimapa oshi!”

“Terry she removed my wig” the woman says crying.

“Are you insane?”The man stands up and uncle lekan comes running.

“Please what is ha….

He sees the wig with Biliki and the bald woman.

“Jesus! Biliki what did u do?”

“They order I bring food, they say they no like food, I should bring another one, I bring another one, they say I should change it and I am going this one call me beesh”

“That’s a big lie, she messed up our orders! My wife has cancer for crissakes. She took off her wig. Do you know how embarrassed she is right now? This is unacceptable, we are never coming back here. That girl is evil.”

Biliki hands him the wig and they get up and walk out.

“Let them go now, shebi we still have many more customers..abi they think if dey leave e go pain us”

“Biliki keep quiet and go and wait for me in the back.” Her uncle orders her.

He apologizes to the other customers and goes to the back and gives Biliki a good tongue lashing.

“Biliki you can’t work here anymore, maybe you will work with aunty at her store, I am tired. You can take the bus right. Well you can go home.”

Biliki leaves the diner angrily.

She gets to where she takes a bus and sits for a while. A weird looking black woman with frizzy hair and a tired look sits beside her.

They start talking for a while, and she sort of forms a little bond with her.

The woman tells her she doesn’t have anywhere to stay and she is hungry and Biliki tells her to come along with her to her house.

They get home and Biliki goes to prepare lunch before everyone gets home and leaves the woman in the parlour to watch come t.v with some food.

Some hours later Bose and the kids get back home. She opens the door and what she sees shocks her to the marrow.

“Dear God! Kids wait outside! Wait outside!

The woman is naked and humping a pillow.

Bose is scared stiff but she hears Biliki singing in the kitchen.

She screams for Biliki.

Biliki rushes in and sees the woman naked humping the pillow.

“Oluwa o! iru wereh wo le le, alakoba oshi, mo ti je gbese o!” (God o! which kain of wereh is this, I don enter trouble o)

She gives the woman a slight abara on the back and the woman flinches in pain.

“Gerrup! Gerrup! y you naked urself, are u mad?”

The woman quickly puts her clothes on and Biliki marches her out.

“Oloshi, oloriburuku…wereh ma ni woman yen o!”

“Biliki how did that woman get into my house?” Bose asked angrily.

“Ah aunty! I brought her. She she…was my friend so I just say she should come and play with me”

“Your friend! When and where did you meet her?

“I meet her today at the bustop and she say she no have food and house”

“That woman has mental problems and has been living on that street you met her for years. How can yu just bring a stranger into the house. What is wrong with you Biliki?”

“I am sorry ma! I no know. I just dey lonely and I need friend”

“Can’t you have a normal friend, you can’t just bring anybody into the house. What if she did something to you?”

Bose hisses and walk away.

Its weeks after the incident and Biliki hasn’t started work at Aunt Bose’s and she’s getting impatient.

“OOOooohh! Shebi im talk sey I will work with aunty, dey just leave me at home make I dey look like a ja mi lo kpa….E ru nonsense wo le le..okay mo mo n nkan ti ma se”

She walks to the kitchen to hatch up her plan.

“Have you guys seen Biliki today?” Uncle lekan asks as he enters the parlour.

“I think she is in her room” answers one of the kids

“Oh my word!” Bose says as she spots someone outside.

They all rush to the window to see Biliki carrying a bucket on her head.

“ICEEEEEE WATER TU TU RE!”

21 comments:

bllk wolf said...

MY SPOT!!! MY SPOT!!!!.....
(looks around)
(sticks out tongue)
na..na .na na na
u can not catch me...
lol!
hasta la vista baby

exschoolnerd said...

@blk wolf..are u alright?lol

bllk wolf said...

(says with igbo accent)
Baby, odikwa ok..
eferytin fine...
nice post enjoyed it...
hope Biliki got married in Ameluca sha...
but make i ask u something?
shei u no mix up the title...
it looks more like ...

...."LAIDE"RAT" GOES TO AMELIKAT"

=====
lol!!
na u look for trouble....

Zahratique said...

Hehe! Biliki..always a good read. well done :)

princesa said...

Take biliki out of da ghetto but you cant take da ghetto out of Biliki.

Wraps it up abi.

This Biliki character na another thing o! I surprise say she no beg person to lap her for the plane sef so she fit save her ticket fare,lol.

BTW, Biliki and her folks seem to like swearing and cursing too much sha!

30+ said...

Baba nuisance ni Biliki yio, omo disgrace

Anonymous said...

Laughing does not even do small justice to what I am doing right now. I LUUURVE your stories. This one was a little hard to read at first but eventually got into it. Cheers babe. The ice water part got me bad.

Kaydee said...

I'm a hip-hop fanatic but how come you love most things i love?"All this luv" plays in my car errday and i hear it errnite in bed.If u need any of Donnell's album,i got em all,even "my heart" album.I love Gym Class Heroes too.
I know u've got a great taste except u're a scummy.
Though i speak Yoruba like Queen does English,i don't understand those Yoruba shizzle u got up there.I'ma read later.
Are u goin 4 the ovaloaded bash? Let's roll together.

Ozymandias said...

Abeg find me biliki address make i go find am for maa-aa-mi..lol

The experiences of an achiever....... said...

lmao!!!!!!!!! d ending was terrific! Ice water tu tu re! Laide u're crazy! for real! who thinks up stuff like biliki's adventures in America! Great job! had me laffn a long time!

Anonymous said...

only u can come up wit such a story n make it worth our while(we d readers).LMAO.wuld like to meet u personally.real good.

Anu boy said...

Ex baby, u killed the story mehn... ice water tu tu re... perfect babe, just the way i like it

Teediva said...

i'm roflmao! girl, u got me. ah ah, i was cringing for this babe more than i cringe for mr bean! just had to send it to some colleagues on my intramail, so they could understand why i've been laffing for the past how many minutes, spread the laffs. hope u dont mind the 'copyright' lol.

Manda said...

laide u're crazi o! i didn't get all the yoruba but i could pick a lil and sure did enjoy it.lmao

@ princesa, biliki cannot ask to lap and save fare cos she's not ibo. yorubas r nto soo money conscious.

kokolette said...

lmao!
that girl is kookoo...

akin aworan said...

hahahah....ht

Arewa said...

Typical, lol..very intersting read. JUST DISCOVERED UR BLOG.
I dont speak Yoruba but understanda lil bit.

LurLar said...

lmao.....dat was classic!!! Icewater tutu re.

catwalq said...

phew!!! and I thought I wrote long posts...
where do u come up with such stories?

Fatoumatta said...

lol nice one....started reading it,had to go off to do smtin,then 4got bout it,till 2day....
very funny i must say,but dnt get wht happend in the end!!there are some parts that dnt have translations,left me guessing (i dnt even knw a SINGLE yoruba word!)
wht i like bout the way u right is,noone can perdict wht may or wld happen.i do that to ALOT of moives,books nd stuff, all turn out to be in my area of peridictions or smtin close to it,but i seem to always fail when it comes to ur materials....i guess i need to be more familair with ur style first.maybe u the kinda writer that tries hard to avoid predictions and cliches...which is GREAT!!
rock on girl!!

exschoolnerd said...

thnx all for the comments!!!