Olu walked in and saw his roommate Jide chatting on the internet, something which he did religiously.
“This guy! This guy! who you dey always chat with every night, abi u sef don start yahoo yahoo? He asked
“I no get time for all that one, na this chic wey I jam for hi5 and we don dey yarn for like three months now” Jide replied.
“Three months and you never meet am? Come! Chinedu come see this your useless friend o!” he shouted.
“Wetin happen?” Chinedu said as he entered the parlour.
“Jide meet chic for hi5 three months ago and im never meet am”
“No be jide, im dey always dull now. I sure sey e never even see the girl picture”
“Who tell u so?” jide countered.
“Oya where’s her picture lets see it”
They both wait patiently as Jide searches his hi5 page for her profile.
“No be im be this!”
Bibi! Fine girl” said Olu, as her profile appeared on the screen.
“No be the girl picture!”
Chineeeeedu!! how you take know? Olu asked.
“I am telling you that is not her picture, it looks like something she just googled and put on her profile. That doesn’t look like a Nigerian girl.”
“What’s that supposed to mean, shey naija girls no fine reach this?” Jide asked
“No be say dem no fine, u go no naija girl wen u see am. And shebi na only one of the picture they there, she tif am from google!”
“But she tell me sey na im picture be that”
“Wetin u wan make she tell u before, I fit put money on top am say no be im picture Olu wetin u feel now look am”
Na true o! me sef no think sey na im picture be this.
Na una sabi, you know what ehn, I will ask her to come over on Wednesday. Abi? so we go kuku see am live.
Be ready to be shocked, wen chic no put im picture for profile you go no sey small scoin-scoin go dey. Maybe he get one eye or the left side of im head big pass the other side.
“This guy you dey craze” Olu said laughing.
Make we sha wait till Wednesday, shebi today na Wednesday, e no too tay.
“Abeg I dey go sleep” Olu said as he made his way upstairs.
“Chinedu! Abeg come” Olu yelled from upstairs.
The door bell goes off and Olu goes to see who’s there.
He opens the door and an odd looking girl, on low cut, dressed in a chintzy outfit and carrying a black polythene bag curtsy’s as she greets him.
“Good afternoon, pls I am looking for Jide”
“Hi! Whats up? What’s your name please?”
“Bi-kini?” he asked.
“Biliki! Biliki! Or bibi! I no talk bikini.
“Are you the bibi that he’s always chatting with on the net?”
“Come in! Sit down Let me go and tell him you are around.
He puts on the t.v and makes his way upstairs to get Jide.
Just then Chinedu comes out and is trying hard to stifle his laughter.
“Ah! Welcome so you are bibi?” says Chinedu as he brings out his hand to shake her.
“Nice to meet you, am chinedu!
Then she reaches into her polythene bag and brings out a half eaten roasted corn and some pear much to Chinedu’s surprise.
“Come and join me?”
“Ah no thanks, please excuse me let me go and get jide.
You don see am? Olu asks as he Chinedu enters his room.
I no fit laugh abeg, biliki!!! She dey chop corn for parlour. Wey that jide sef? Make u no tell am anything o! Make im go see am for imself. Shey I no talk am.
Just then jide exits from the toilet.
Guys! How do I look?
“Like person wey fall for gutter!”
Chinedu I don no sey u be hater since.
So una don see am? Shey na d same chic for the picture? Jide asks excitedly.
Yes o! She’s even finer in real life. Dayuum!! And she has a nice body too. If u no take time I go come chance you for that parlour.
Lai! Lai! I dey go jare.
They both trail jide as he makes his way downstairs to the parlour.
He walks in and see’s bibi munching on her corn.
“Hey what’s up? And he heads back upstairs in a confused state searching frantically for his friends and finds them in the kitchen.
Guys! Where is she now? She no dey parlour.
“Ahah! Abi she don vex leave, we left her there.
They all go downstairs.
“Ahah shebi u talk sey you no see am” Chinedu says as he stretches out his hand towards bibi introducing her to jide.
Jide meet bibi”
“Which bibi?” Jide asks puzzled.
“Bibi now! Actually its biliki! The one you met on hi5” finished Chinedu constantly trying not to erupt in a fit of laughter.
“Are you not the one I shatted with on yahoo? Shebi u are jide? Bibi added
“Yes! I am but you are not the bibi. The picture on your profile doesn’t look like you and you sound much different that when we speak on the phone.
Chinedu and Olu are trying hard not to laugh.
“It is me! I just put that pishur (picture) there because I dirrin (didn’t) have any on the compooraa (computer) and when you call it’s my fren(friend) Belinda one girl wey get fine voice but im face no just gree for am, na im dey always talk to you for me”
Olu and Chinedu burst out in laughter and run into one of the rooms.
“But why have u been lying to me all this while” Jide asked confused.
“I am sorry Jide! I..i.. just think that if u see me you will not like me. And I like you very mush”
His countenance fell and he slumped into one of the chairs in the parlour.
You know what, maybe we’ll see another time. My aunty told me I might to go and pick my cousins from school today.
“Ah! Jide but she just came now” Chinedu said as he re-entered the parlour.
“I thought you had plans of going to tantalizers. And the school doesn’t close till another two hours and i’ll go and pick the twins. You guys just go out and have fun”
“I am even hungry!” added biliki. This corn I bought on my way is cold” she says and reaches into the nylon and produces another corn and offers jide.
“I bought this for u!”
No thanks! He says
O kin je agbado? (You don’t eat corn) Ah and I wanted to buy boiled egg for you instead.
Chinedu and Olu stumbled back into the kitchen with more laughter.
“Why are they laughing?”
Everything in Jide just wanted to pursue this impostor out. See her mouth like I am even hungry he thought to himself. But he can’t just send her home like that even though he really wanted to.
“Okay lets go, but I have to be somewhere later on.” He managed to say.
This is not happening! This is so not happening! Olu and Chinedu will never let me forget this. He thought to himself as they both made their way outside and to his car.
As he entered all he could think about was how he was never going back to hi5.
They got to tantalizers not too far from Jide’s house and quickly found somewhere to sit away from the prying eyes of others.
Just then like evil sprits on a mission to torture a soul, Olu and chinedu breezed in and waved as they took a seat by the corner. Where they could watch the drama unfold. They didn’t want to miss this for anything.
“See your friends!” biliki said.
I am not blind. Olu thought to himself. Now let’s just get this over with.
“Ah! Olu thank you for bringing me here o! I have never been inside here before. I only pass here and I tell myself that one day God will send somebody who will bring me here.
He nods uninterestedly and stands up to go and make his order, minutes later he returns with only one plate of food and sets it in front of her.
Ah! You will not eat?
No! am not hungry.
So only me will eat this big food?
She picks up her fork and knife which she obviously has no clue how to go about using. And exchanges the fork and knife back and forth between both hands untill she finally gives up and throws them down on the table the force sends the fork flying off the table into the lap of the lady sitting beside them.
She opts for a spoon instead.
Jide covers his face in embarrassment.
“Sorry! Please don’t be angry” he says apologizing to the lady.
Bibi doesn’t even realize what she’s done, shes too busy munching that she doesn’t notice.
In no time, she’s eaten almost everything off her plate and reaches into her polythene bag of tricks and produces a plastic container and begins to empty whats left in it.
“What are you doing?” Jide asks
I will take this one home, for mama and baba biliki, shalewa, taofeek, musibau and afeez.
“Infact sef make I call mama biliki”
She reaches inside the nylon and brings out a phone and proceeds to dial a number.
Jide turns towards Chinedu and Olu, who wave at him and at the same time, are laughing their heads off.
“Mama! Mama!” she shouts. Drawing the attention of almost everybody.
“Stop shouting!” Jide tells her
“Mama is me bilikis, mummy mi o le guess ibi ti mo wa.Mo wa ni tantalazar! Tantalazar! O mo tantalazar!...Ah inu de fine gaan o! E mi a ti jide wam bi…mo je shicken oh!
And she laughs a throaty laugh and snorts.
O dun gaan! Mi o gbagbe gbogbo yin o! e ba baby mi soro.
She hands the phone to jide who objects but later gives in.
“Good afternoon ma!”
“Ah jide! O mo dada. Ese o! bilikis sope o mu won lo si tanta…tanti..tanta…o sha mu wo lo si be kan. Ah ese o! o mo dada. Ko to ju bilikis dada, ema ja oh. Mo mo kpe bilikis ma n di wereh nigbawo but omo dada ni. To ba ni time ko wa ki wa nile.E fun bilikis fone
“Bye!” he says as he hands over the phone to bibi.
“Ah mummy, ehen mo sa kpata mi meta ati awon aso mi ni backyard to jo ba fe ro e ba mi so fun shalewa ko ba mi gbe wole.Ehn o da bo!
The attention of everybody is now on her and giggles can be heard around the room.
He looks at biliki and she’s chewing the bones from her chicken.
“You are not …..
She cracks the bone
…you are not talking jide, are u shy?
That’s one way to put it. He thinks to himself.
Am not fine?
She reaches into her shirt and slips her hand into her bra.
What is she going to do now, bring out her breast? He thinks horrified.
She brings out her hanky and makes to clean the sweat on his nose but Jide retreats.
He could hear laughter behind him.
“Jide I love you!
Jide looked at her crazily.
An attendant comes to clear their table and as she picks the tray, bilikis hits it down with her hand.
“I haven’t finished”
But there’s nothing left? He says.
I said I haven’t finished ti n ba ki e mo le. Get out jare! Idiot!
He hisses and walks away. She picks another bone and chews on it making irritating cracking sounds much to the disgust of everyone around.
“Ah! Jide jide! Jide o!!!! jide ye! Ye! Ah…..my nose my nose…..ya ya ya…jide…pepper pepper….
She bangs the table continuously
Pepper in my nose!
Ah!!! Ah!!!..Jide! Jide!
“What! What! He replies confused.
Jide! Omi omi o! omi mu omi wa..water!
The scene was attracting a lot of attention. Everybody was now focused on the both of them .
Jide o! jide!...she stands up and picks up the drink on the table beside her and downs it all.
“What is all this rubbish? What is this!” the owner of the drink shouts.
“Are u mad? “
“This woman has been disturbing us ever since she came inside here” He says referring to a staff.
“She’s been making all sorts of noise, threw a fork at my wife. I mean whats this rubbish. If you cant comport yourself properly then get out!
“Sir I think you and the lady will have to leave” the man in what seemed like a staff uniform said.
“It’s okay! Oga I am sorry. We were even about to leave.
“I am not going anywhere!” Biliki shouted
“I have not finished my bone, shebi I pay money too. Am I not customer, until I finish I am not going anywhere, and I will naked myself here now now and chase all your customers away if anybody touches me…awon oloshi won mo mi sha. U thin sey because I fine I no get craze. Just try me for here.
“Biliki what are you doing? Lets go” Jide asks angrily.
Jide I am not going anywhere, baby come and sit down. Why should we leave?
Look biliki you are beginning to annoy me, let us leave and stop disgracing yourself.
“It’s because its you oh jide, because of u , if not ehn ma da gbogbo ibi daru ehn.
He didn’t even bother looking at his friends as they exit he knew quite well what their reaction would be.
They both get into the car.
“Where can I drop you off” he asks
“Ahah, are u shasing me home? Let’s go to your house now”
“Did u forget something there? We are not going anywhere, where can I drop you I have somewhere to go”
“Jide why are you treating me like this?”
“Look I don’t have time for all this, tell me where I can drop you or you get down”
“Okay I am not going down, je kin ri n ko to ma se” she says angrily.
“Look I’ve been patient with you since, you lied to me, you have disgraced me. Look ehn infact get out!”
“I am not getting out!
“If I stand up from here I will come and throw you out of my car”
“Come now! You will know real madness today”
He gets out of the car and goes around to the passenger side and opens the door.
But she refuses and just sits still.
With all the anger in him he reaches down and tries to pick her up while she struggles. But he grabs her and tosses her out of his car to the ground.
“Jide! Jide! You do this to me? I will show u!
He walks back to the drivers side enters his car and drives off not once looking back at her.
He stops in front.
“Yes! He will come and beg me now” she says aloud.
But he opens the door on the passenger’s side and tosses her nylon out spilling the contents of the plastic container.
”Idiot! Bastard! You’ll come and beg me” She rains curses at him as he drives off.
God! That girl is mad.
All he wanted to do was get home and sleep, he had, had enough drama for one bloody day.
As he pulled into his compound Chinedu and Olu were waiting for him.
They spotted his car and broke into fits of laughter.
“Jide o! wey bibi now? Abi u go throway am for that canal?”
You guys abeg I dey go inside rest jare.
And he walks inside and heads upstairs immediately to his room.
The next day he comes downstairs to meet Chinedu and Olu already awake and in the kitchen.
Guys! How far?
“I had one kain nightmare like this sey I meet that bibi and she no just tally”
“Ah no be nightmare oh” Olu replies laughing
Jide see ehn we get something to tell you.
“What? The both of you are finally coming out of the closet?”
“That we support you and if you do decide to marry bibi we will be with you every step of the way”
“God punish una!” olu answers back.
They all hear the bell ringing and proceed to the parlour.
Jide goes to the door and opens it and the pretty face of a girl greets him.
“Hi! Um are u jide? I am bibi” she says in a voice Jide recognizes all too well.
“What! Boys abeg come o!
“Wetin happen?” they both ask.
“Please what did you say your name was because e be like sey I still dey sleep” He said referring to the girl.
“My name is bibi!”
“Na lie!” Olu and chinedu both chorus.
“I no even understand wetin dey happen” Jide remarks.
“So if you are bibi who was the chic that came here yesterday claiming to be bibi?” Olu aks
“Someone came here yesterday claiming to be me?” she asked surprised.
“Are you sure you are bibi?
“What sort of question is that? Of course I am” She replied laughing.
A laugh jide knew all too well.
“She sounds like the bibi I talk to on the phone sha, but you don’t look like the picture on your profile. You look a lot better but not like the picture” he explained.
“Shebi I tell you sey no be im picture”
“I know, I just didn’t have any online so I just put that there for the mean time”
“You are the second person this week claiming to be bibi so I have to be sure you know”
“Are you serious? Who else?”
“Some scary chic came here yesterday I swear that chic was mad”
“Wait a minute! was she very dark and had a low cut?
“Yes!” Jide answered.
“That girl is in so much trouble today, what I will do to her ehn!”
“Do you know her?” Olu probes
“It’s biliki! She’s our house girl”
Olu and Chinedu both fall down laughing.