Tuesday, 28 August 2007

More thoughts in my head during a lecture

Gosh this hall is already full, shebi I left home by 6:30 all in a bid to get to this class before 8 and the hall is full already…do these people camp here overnight? Mchew!!!

I see kazeem, he’s signaling for me to come over..he kept a seat for me..Wetin consine me? Maybe he thinks I will kiss him because he keeps seats for me. Let me not be mean now he is nice…but he should quit telling me he likes me and wants us to be closer…close to where?

Yinka kept a seat for me too but kazeem’s seat is more comfortable…if people find out I have two seats ehn they’ll break my head…this kain critical seat finding time.

One over sabi is announcing something…lemme even listen

“The lecturer is coming soon, please you guys should put off your phones and comport yourselves properly…we are all adults here..please behave”

Who send you msg..he isn’t even a class rep or anything..i have been noticing this boy’s ovasabiness for a while…okponu….teachers pet oshi…gaan siddown jare. Oh my God this boy is annoying me why is he closing the door on my leg.

“Scuus me why are you closing the door? U can see me here and u just shut the door on me?”

“Sorry! Sorry! but I have to close the door before she comes”

Jesus Christ! who is that morrafucker…that just put his/her hands through the hair I just brushed.

I look up and see Segun smiling at me…

So that means he should scatter my hair and tangle it…does he know what the detangling process entails….mchew!!!

I say what’s up to him and am smiling but inside all I want to do is chook him repeatedly with a compass…

Lecturer just arrived lemme better gaan siddown…CARRY!! ur hand comot from my hair jare!

Ehn ehn ehn na who siddon for my seat?

Oya oya before I …..

“Scuss me that’s my seat”

“Are you sure?”

I will bash this beashes head in.Am I sure? Did she smoke pot this morning?

“Yes I am sure, please stand up the woman is around.

She stands up reluctantly…eh….she should have just tried me this early momo, she carry her rugged nyash take put for my seat…idioty!..kan gerraway jare! Rascaboogee!

“Ehen kazeem darling, what was the woman saying?”

“You know I just like your height” he replies.

“Mchew!!!” I hiss

Is that what I am asking….pls if it is I love u, talk ur own u want to be doing, pls don’t be keeping seat for me again.

“This chick doesn’t know her thong is out, omigosh this one next to her doesn’t seem to be wearing pant…should i tell her, her crack is out…no let them boys enjoy it for a while…the perverted boys on my row..i tell dem make them no wear payiint?” Mchew!!! Abegi!

I have stopped complaining about butt cracks, because no matter how much I complain they never seem to go away…am sorta used to seeing 15-25 buttcracks per day..thats on a good day..on a bad day 34-45….and I brace myself for the nightmares while I sleep.

Hahahaha…lecturer just sent the “ova sabi- teachers-pet-wannabe out!!” Gosh he must feel so humiliated..after all the over sabi he did for her…ntoi! Gosh where is he so I can put my fingers under my eye and say ntoi!!!

Hmm todays topic is birth! and the topic is getting into sex.

And you know peeps just like sex talk…anyways the woman is explaining that if a woman doesn’t give birth to a boy that it’s really the man’s fault not hers and someones asking …one mumu olodo “If performance can determine whether they have a boy or a girl” which sends everybody cracking up. The woman replies with a big fat NO! but says there r positions which could likely bring about a boy…

POSI-KINI? Everybody is now alert….questions from every corner…”WHICH POSITIONS O!...WHAT POSITION! TELL US THE POSITION MA!”….but she keeps evading it…at one point she says something like “when the man ejaculates into the woman” ….a girl in front shouts “JESUS!” and the lecturer says

“Will you shut up there, acting like they haven’t ejaculated inside you before….lol… the whole hall roaring with laughter”

awww..look at poor teachers pet outside..hahahahah!!!

Gosh I have sexy hands…my fingers are to die for..

The lecturer is ordering the girl to come out.. and show us the position she meant earlier with a boy that has long volunteered….Lol..me I am just enjoying the show laughing jejely….

The girl is acting all shy and shit..the boy is already down and standing sef…the chick doesn’t budge.

Lecturers screaming for the girl to come out….but home girl still dey do like crayfish..hey make she no start to call randomly oh! Lemme berra just avoid her gaze..i have my cough prepared just incase she has ideas of calling me…say werrin happen..make I come do blue fim for una. TUFIA!!!

…anyways she just asked if we SHOULD WE LEAVE THEM AND MOVE ON”….of course u know the answer “NO!!!! WE WANT TO SEE THE POSITION”...LOL…

she orders the girl to come out again….and surprisingly she actually stood up….and everybody SCREAMS!!!!! It’s crazy but am loving it!!!

Ah the girl get liver sha, I wasnt expecting her to even stand up,as per unilag girls and their forming…but the boy chickened out and sat down…lol…and the lecturer abused him that he can’t perform thats why and he was weak and shit….

Everyones laughing at the poor boy!

She’s asking us to ask questions..hmm..

I have one question to ask..but shame dey catch me…

Lemme rehearse the question in my head well well

“When intercourse is going on between a man and a woman is the woman supposed to feel like she’s going to fart as the momentum rises”

Lol…chei this people will think am speaking from personal experience oh!!…lemme just hook my own and sharrap before I disgrace myself..maybe I can start with “I have this friend”

Lecturer is finally explaining the position …for those of you who need male shidren…she said…the girl kneels down and raises her ass for easy acesss..na she talk am o! and yada yada yada and the boy kneels too…wait I don’t know..lol..i cant remember who’s supposed to be kneeling…don’t go and wound urselves o!

Jesus Christ! I just saw BILIKI…at least a real life biliki….chineke…I remember this girl from registration….her mannerisms, laughter everything about her is BILIKI..the way she’s laughing, her hair..her dressing..the way she’s talking…lol…I need to know this chick, she will be my inspiration for more BILIKI episodes to come…this is so scary…this is BILIKI to the tee.see her scratching her nyash in the full glare of the whole class..gosh I musto know dis chick..

Ewo!!! My heart just skipped three beats…It is a lie…okay I first knew him on the radio as “the BIG M” when he was a presenter, but we also went to the same secondary school…and anytime I reach the end of that bridge near foursquare church at Maryland and see that MTN billboard with him, I wanna die…Mofe Duncan…okay he is foine foine foine…he is tall, built, beautiful specimen of a man,.oh my lord..come!! hace!!! this girl in the front will u stop touching him…am sorry this cuteness is too cute to ignore…he is right infront of me…chei…I wish I can just switch him with kazeem oh…Oh my he just saw me staring!!!

(Pudgy don’t worry he has got nothing on u, its just lust)

“Stand up!!!” the lecturer shouts at my direction.

I point to myself..me?

“No the stupid boy sleeping beside you”

Oh kazeem! Fuck up!

“Ah fear catch me oh”

“Stand up and get out of my class, you have no respect”

God is this a sign, is this your way of telling me that u want Mofe to come and sit beside me? that…..

“Somebody outside should come and take his seat” Lecturer instructs…

Ehn which sumborri? Biko this seat is reserved…oooooohhhhhhhhhh!!! Who is this one, which kain eye dis one carry put for head, its scaring me oh..ah..which direction is he looking...it will not let me concerntrate....oya pass pass jare, no match me for leg…mchew!!!

Genge! Someones phone just went off….

“Pretty pussy ina d air…black and beautiful..something something”

…that yeye dirrty song!!!

Laughter in hall

“Whose phone just went off!” lecturer asks angrily.

Gosh who’s the idiot that can’t just put off his/her fone for just 2hours…this woman left last week cause the same thing happened…and we still haven’t learnt. Who is the porous brain having, imbecile who left their fone on now?

Lecturer’s picks up her note and walks out of class.

Next lecture pls!!! awww mofe is leaving…this girl leave this boy now…what is wrong with this lepa sef..leave him…go on ur own…gerrafuckaway….leave him!

Mofe ..i bid u farewell now..let lepa have her go.

Chai! this chair has done my nyash strong thing oh! i am so scaling the next class...


princesa said...

Me Firsty!

Laide u don kolo for real!
At this rate, i get to pray for you before you carry "let my people go certificate" comot for dat school o!(not ur portion dear).

That ur lecturer na wa o! She neva talk wetin she want o!

wavemasta said...

Laide laide, how many times I call your name.....abeg focus on the class and stop admiring mofe.......lol.
Anyways sha Ive gotten distracted so many times I cant count..Just make sure u make up for it by studying.
Take care

exschoolnerd said...

@princess...Amen o! that will not be my portion my sister.

@wavemasta....two taims o!...abi make dem kuku remove mofe from that class so i cn concerntrate.

Nyemoni said...

Kai...you this girl and your extra long posts...I can only imagine how long your seminar /project will be abi? Na wah for you.... Wetin you dey study for school sef?

Anonymous said...

Nice post Laide...yay I'm da 5th...its Prince Olu

omohemi Benson said...


YOU don kolo finish, see you narrating your lecture like film.

enjoyed this post.

the genius within said...

''Will you shut up there, acting like they haven’t ejaculated inside you before….lol… the whole hall roaring with laughter”

u tell a good story..i can actually picture the class...

n yeah 'butt' sounds more refined than 'crack or yansh'

but then lil do i know i guess..

PS: i do dislike this word veri stuff

Rayo said...

“You know I just like your height”


Anu boy said...

Laide... i see you always have a good time in school, nothing do you jare...

Anonymous said...

Laide i really need to meet u.r u for real?i never miss ur posts n m always on d look out for updates.good sturvz.cheers

Ugo Daniels said...

What a class...and course instructor too :)

Kaydee said...

Lighdeh,I know U attend Mountain of Fire,When is the next deliverance?Had two accidents in a week,lost my phone and entered one chance too.Abeg,Help me oh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Zephi said...

lawl lawal lawl...
how did I miss your blog

Come oh, which kain class be this wey your teacher dey teach sexual posihun?

catwalq said...

I nearly passed out at "Men, I have sexy hands..."
you are so random, it should be illegal

bighead said...

All this in head during one lecture? How many heads you get?


...the characters are hella hillarious! Sexual positions de bring male children...Ummmh, is dat not some kinda miseducation? funny!!!

30+ said...

LOL, olopa o all this in a Class.

Same question here o which kin class be that where they are telling sexual position for male children pppsttt, that lecture no even get scientific backing.

So did you write any notes or where you just looking at butt cracks all day.

Afrobabe said...

LOL.....you are good girl...Love your exclamations cos thats how we really talk... gerrafuckaway,
gaan siddown jare....Loving it..

AIVY said...

wow...nice post girl. na all this one u dey think for class ehn???

i love this blog

יש (Yosh) said...

roflmao! This is fun!

What were your notes like in that class, that day?

LurLar said...

You always got me showing my teeth to your blog page....Nice one!!!

uknaija said...

This is so funny and brings back Uni memories- we didnt have phones then sha

Obinwanne said...

laide! u always the best, you just make my internet surfing worth while, but take am easy sha and concentrate on ur books....

take care
(ive updated)

Arewa said...

lol.. u this girl..u got issues...

I am definately feeling u on the crack thing.. i think most girls intentionally do it to get attention from the guys. I just think it is very unladylike.

Another good read though.
I have just updated my blog so do stop by and hollar @ a sisiter x x x

Fatoumatta said...

lol.....ROFL....LMAO!!!cant stop lafn...tsheeehhhhhhheeeew

Anonymous said...

Omo y u come dey tay b4 u write up storie again.U just dey make person check and check without meeting any thing new.Abegiiiiiiiiiiii sora gidi gan oooooo

Naapali said...

I am glad I discovered your blog. I had suspicions you are an Akokite from a more recent post. The memories of getting to complex at 7 for an 8 o clock lecture only to have all the seats saved for some fine girl to stroll in at 8:15 came flooding back. As did the memories of the eye- service-ITK-teacher's pet.