Saturday, 11 August 2007

Polis men versus naija girls

Park! Park! Park!

Oya make all of una con down! Con down!

“Officer any problem?” asks one of the occupants of the car.

U go soon know sey problem dey, comot jor!

They all hurry out quickly.

“How many una be!” he says as he counts them.

“Five! That’s very good”

“Where are you coming from at this time of night?”

“We’re coming from school!” One of them answers.

“The school no get name? You never hear say Fashola say make we dey arrest any yeye girls wey we see for road after 10:00pm?”

“But we are returning from classes, and we are going home we haven’t done anything wrong”

“Who tell you so, na me go determine that one! Hace!” he calls out to two other officers.
“You these ashawos!”

Look officer I am a married woman I am not an ashawo neither are these other girls, we are evening students and we just finished our lectures and we are heading home”

“Shurrup! Married woman what are you doing outside at this time, wetin u dey go school go learn the one wey u don learn never do you. You don give baby breast, u wan go school at this time of the night?

“Officer please mind your mouth oh!” She answers angrily.

“I go chook this my batton inside that your nose! Common will you shurrup!”

“What is all this!” he says referring to the rolls of flesh underneath the shirt spilling out of jeans if one of the girls.

He shakes his head in disbelief.

“See this one as e cari tyre for waist but im follow go wear show me ur belly, shey na ur kain belle we wan see?”

“But officer this is harassment now, none of us here are dressed indecently why are you just holding us up”

”Look I have warned you already, na me go determine whether u dress decently abi u no dress decently”

“Oya one by one make una just bend dey touch your toes”
“Ah! Touch our toes for what officer”

“Bend down begin dey touch your toes now now, before I blascatter una head one by one, if I just see pant comot from your yansh na straight to panti and una wey tie rope, wetin be that rope rope thing again”

“String! Abi g-string” answers the other officer.

“Ehen una wey wear g-string for here, your own don finish, three days inside panti, after that time if u see g-string u go pick race, na inside panti sef dem go help you tearam comot..foolish girls!”

“Oya ale le bend down!”

“Ah ah! See this one as he just assume position, no be today u don dey bend like this shey. Ah ashaaaaaaawo! Infact officer I no even wan examine dis one again na prostitute go carry am put for vehicle.

“But na you talk sey make we bend now!

“Na u sey make me bend down” he mimics her in a retarded child-like voice.
“Wo! Carry am go car jare.

“Dis one wey we no fit no who be ashawo and who no be ashawo anymore because of the way una dey dress, the era of ‘after the bum bum knicker’, ‘show me your belly shirt’ and ‘hol yansh jeans’ has ended.

“ E don do! all does your spaghetti and indomie wey una dey wear e go stop today, by the time una don spend time for panti and dem don box u well well….ur eyes go clear”.

“Na wa for dis country o! d tin wey dem dey take person eye see” one of the girls lament.

“Wetin you don see! Shey na because dem don begin to dey catch all of una…infact God bless Fashola make we rid this lagos of all these yama yama girls!
Oya! You bend down…Ehn stand up..u nko?

“Officer I no go bend down lai lai”

“Ehen married woman! Wo fidelis carry am make e go join im second, e no see as e resemble scorpion”

“U nko! U wan go join am too…oya carry dis one too. Maybe im no even wear pant sef.
Oya small ashawo’s wey remain una wan go join dem too.Okay follow go na panti una go kuku sleep dis night.

“Jonas! Dem just message me sey make we go ojuelegba side sey one robbery dey happen dere sey some police men don already dey dere but dem no dey enough”

“Amadioha scatter that ur mouth, make we go where? Go accost robbers make dem quench dis life wey I just dey manage. The police wey dey dere don do abeg make we dey go jo”

“Dem talk sey dey need more officers sey make we report there immediately”

“I don go check the day wey I go die, see u….no be today. But if u wan go sha, na ur lucky…u no kuku get wife an pikin no body go miss u. All does ur chicken wey u dey keep for house na me go go takam, do Christmas, New year and Easter witham, no worry dey go”

“Wetin we go come talk wen dey sey why we no go dere”

“Look we are addressing more important issues here! No ask me any question jare…where dat bornfool wey dem call sheriff, make e com start car jare!”
Sherrif! Sheriff!!!

“I dey come I dey piss for here” he calls out from behind a fence.

“Na only piss piss u know, u don piss today like five taims…I sure sey u dey piss for bed, make u do quick make we dey go jare!

“Fidelis, na u go drive this their car follow us for back”

“Officer please now! Please officer my mother will be worried please”

“Your mama see you dey comot for house like dis she no waya u with koboko! Na im causam now, make im cry small”

“But there is nothing wrong with what I have on now!”

“Eh eh! Hmmm…shebi u no fit bend down..okay now, carry dat my name comot from ur mouth jare.

“But officer we bent down now!”

“Ehen! What are you doing out at this time of the night? What? No decent lady will be out by this time.

“But there is no law that says that we can’t be out by this time and we were returning from school, this is my i.d card”

“Carry dat thing comot from my eye level before I takam fling for gutter, e hard to get i.d card, abeg leave dat thing… no cry o! no just cry for here”

They get to panti in no time and the officer orders them all out of the car and marches them into the police station.

“Ah bros! you don come back.”

“Yes o! oya make u go put all these girls inside that cell shey e still dey empty”

“No o! me and Ja-mis(james) catch one man for road wey no wear belt”

“Please when has it been an offence not to wear belt!” he bellows from inside a cell.

“This is a gross violation of our human rights and flagrant abuse of power. This is very wrong and I wont stand for it”

“Ah ! oloyinbo…infact shey una don givam fone make e call im family? he asks one of the officers at the station.

“No o!”

“Good! Next tomorrow na im anybody go know were u dey.Idiot!!”

“Ehen and we carry one orobo woman lik dis, ah dat woman get powa o she nearly wound jamis…e con begin dey shout sey im husband na polis na polis na im I con talk sey wetin consine me, e husband na polis e no tellam sey make e no comot for dis kain time…n im and im daughter I carry for road o! Ah if u see d kain wahala dem give us ehn, we beat dem ehn!!!

“Dem dey inside?”
He goes over to peep into the cell.

“Ah papa!” one of the girls cry out from inside the cell
“Papa! Na u be that”
“Chineeeeeeke! Ngozi wetin u dey do dere”
“Mama dey here o! im no fit stand up” she cried out
“Ah! Na ur pikin be dat?”
“See dis bloody fool oh! Na my pikin una go carry put for cell”
“Ah ! Nnena mo! Wetin dem do ur face, stand up now…ah u no fit?”
“God don cash u!” one of the girls say excitedly


But seriously jokes apart what is happening in Nigeria, the last time i checked they must have constituional power to undertake something like this which i am very sure they don't have,they has been no law passed on indecent dressing and without such a law people are free to dress to their taste.The police have misplaced priorities,instead of trying to comabt the menace that are the touts that harass us on a daily basis and the rampant robbery cases all over lagos...i mean one in every 4 people i know has been robbed.WHAT EXACTLY ARE THEY DOING ABOUT THIS? The arresting of women for supposedly dressing indecently can't be justified and it should be called off immediately..I heard they came into unilag to arrest girls in the faculty of social sciences...i mean whats happening.Arresting dudes with dreadlocks...thats ridiculous!!!

And also on the issue of Covenant university subjecting their students to HIV and pregnancy tests before can graduate.First of all HIV tests are voluntary..nobody should be forced to take them..and the results should be made known to only the person...this is so not right...i think this is something university regulatory body NUC should look into.

I don taya sha!

the person i am the most scared for is him

God help him.


The experiences of an achiever....... said...

lol! Denrele is in his own world! but really i agree..the police are just USELESS and HOPELESS!! with misplaced priorities for real! our rights give us freedom to speak, express..meaning dressing et cetera et cetera..our govt and police should face the serious issues plaguing our country like the derelict and dilapidating roads, buildings..and stick their noses where they should be! making our lives better..not harrasiung us! GOD give us a revolution!!

Fatoumatta said... this was going on now??anything that involves serious work,it will never be done as much as the unserious ones in nija....may God help us wa

Ozymandias said...

pregnancy test to graduate ke, na waoh...wetin Niger dey turn to...police own, na im own wahala,...these people continue to infringe on the rights of people and the govt. pretends not to notice...abeg, no wear show ur belle dem no cash you

wavemasta said...

The naija police are messed up. You have a bunch of frustated people who have finally bin given the power to touch women they never belived they cud handle in their wildest dreams. The fact remains that if they see an armed robbery taking place, they will run like rabbits. As for Denrele,and Deji from soundcity, well God help them.
As for the covenent uni HIV thingy, well as much as I respect the man behind the vision, I feel that the policy is wrong. I also have my issues with the way they run things at the uni, but well thats just my opinion. Haven gotten Peer Education Training about HIV, I knowthe testing is not what you force on people, its actually a violation of their fundamental human rights.
And nice sketch by the way, It made me laugh.

exschoolnerd said...

@ ozymandias if i even do mistake go wear 'show me ur belly' make dem take me go lock for kirikiri...swallow the key!!

Aijay said...

Lmao.......that was so funny!!
I wonder how they'll feel if their daughters & wives were being harassed.
They've totally lost it in Naija. It's so annoying. I'm tired of ranting about the madness.

Anu boy said...

Ol boy... i thot it was all a joke oh, only for me to pass Sanusi Fafunwa at about 1am, guess what? i did not see any girl on the streets... na wa, one quick question, where are they?

Anonymous said...

Omo men...this gist is just too sweet...chai...I had my glass of shayo with me as I read d tori....omo thunder fire every police officer left yansh...ishe! E good as them beat d officer family like how d guy saved his life jare....ok picture this, them beat in family, in come go report to d crime scene come mud...sad tale...and d police aren't even well equipped. Their guns sound like claps or pop corn...can u imagine? Naija has a long way to go...and why d fuck is Covenant Uni acting like that harrasing these students? Ok fine they got HIV but a lot of them don't even get d virus sexually. Ya dig? Now after putting in 4 or 5 gruesome years into ur studies, its cos of one pregnancy test that's gonna fuck u up? Its a serious pry and invasion of privacy...ko ni da fun iya la ya won...amin! Nonsense! And a lot of these kids got influential parents who can push buttons to stop this nonsense but nah...nobody is smart enuff to put an end to it...if na to chop money, u go see as them go dey fight for who go carry d biggest slice go house....newayz, to make a long story short, lol, lemme stop here jare!

Anonymous said...

Newayz, its Olu

kingsiju said...

i think we should learn to speak out before things go out of hands, here comes another one.

azuka said...

This was awesome! For a moment you had me there.

I agree, getting the police to carry out such acts without even attempting to make it a law is highly irresponsible -- but then, everyone in power thinks he's the law.

Omotayo said...

Hmm so this is for real? Thought it was one of those Ur thought-up jokes.....pls update me whats going on in Lagos at night....well God dey. Lighdeh, how U dey....I don dey feel like fabulous dey rhyme Ur name b dat

exschoolnerd said...

@all the story is made up oh! was just trying to point out something..they go about harassing innocent people how wud they feel if that was done to their own family.

in my head said...

This was a really funny rendition, but on the flip side, we have a serious problem on our hands. I am not too sure that I will always pass the bend down test. And I will definitely get the 3 nights at panti punishment on some days.

I can not conceive how the police can justify allocating officers to be the moral police when crime wants to engulf us.

30+ said...

This is a good one, nerdy. As you said what can we do, I feel so powerless against all this madness. Talking of which what is the story on that dude in the picture.

Anonymous said...

I was just reading the post innocently and thinking to myself what Lagos has now become (remind me not to wear my g-strings when I come)until I got to Denrele's picture. I so laughed with tears coming to my eyes. He sure will be 'juicy meat' for them our 'misplaced priorities uniformed geeks'.


i no know wetin dem go do denrele if dem catch am. they will probably lock him up and throw the keys away!!!! Lol. this country is just mad.

catwalq said...

i am sorry but I am neither tickled or amused by this issue. we will laugh until someone from our families is hurt and you will realise that this is no laughing matter at all.
Women have enough to deal with from useless Nigerian men (which are in the majority) than to have to endure harassment from frustrated, barely literate policemen whose interpretation of their orders mean that they can harass whomsoever they please for their own amusemeent and monetary gain.
I am so sick of this issue to my stomach. all our hypocritical, good for nothing leaders. Fashola who passed the law, am sure has a young, barely legal mistress somemwhere.
Bastards all of them.

Anonymous said...

i dont even want to comment on the fashola's fashion police!i am abgry thikning abt is doing my head in!i am pissed!God will judge!

Anonymous said...


uknaija said...

This is so annoying

יש (Yosh) said...

Nice twist to the story. If only they see it this way, but I digress.

That case is so not funny and in Naija, things like this go without a blink from the authorities. It's so unfortunate and if this is allowed to continue, Lagos might as well lose all its glamor, the good, the bad and the ugly! Women wearing burqas and the guys wearing jumpsuit pants, with shaved heads...not funny!

princesa said...

Girl u did it again!
Cracked me up really!!

I like the way you used humour to drive home the point.
Good for the stupid policeman, they gave him a dose of his own melecine.


welcome to naijaaa

exschoolnerd said...

@ibo dude...abi o! uv been scarced on blogville..wassup?

Mr.Fineboy said...

LOL...Hilarious but real..thats Naija for u o...the last bit was the funniest with the famous eccentric Afro dude...hehe

Nilla said...


But the Covenant stuff is not funny.

Longest time Missy.
How are you doing?

bumight said...

hey, I've been reading ur blogs for a while. I actually "followed" u from xanga (stalker me!), love the way you write!!!

bighead said...

So which one were u? the show belle or the married woman? lol

Afrobabe said...

Men,the situation is ridiculous and stupid,the people who put down this regulations act like they never went to school...

Anonymous said...

nice story! but is there something i'm missing about denrele? abeg someone fill me in. i heaven't been home in like 4yrs and back then the guy seemed like every normal unilag person