Tuesday, 18 September 2007

My body

This post was inspired by PRINCESA'S post with the same title.


Just leaving the house

My body: U need to fart a.s.a.p
Me: Why didn’t u tell me when I was in the house, shebi we just left now now.
My body : U didn’t need to fart then, u need to now, so sue me!
Me: stop giving me attitude
My body: Stop imagining attitude
Me: do u expect me to fart on the road?
My body: Na u sabi just sha do and fart
Me: No I will hold it, till I get back home
My body: At 6pm, dem swear for u?
Me: I got this, don’t worry.

In the bus

My body: Omo u really really need to fart
Me: serious?
My body: as a heart attack
Me: But we were just standing at the bustop, why didn’t u tell me then, do u expect me to fart in the bus.
My body: Blame it on the fat one…
Me: who
My body: wait I forgot ur the fat one!
Me: You are trying me, I will so give you a slap you will never forget
My body: Ha! How funny will it look, when people see u slapping urself..go ahead bish..make my day!
Me: Let me get to school, I will branch to the toilet and slap the hell out of u.
My body: Its coming, it s coming, it coming..AHAH!
Me: Stop it oh! Stop that rough play…stop loosening my ass muscles this minute.
My body: Hehehehe…
Me: But what has been up with u lately…why do I always have this urge to fart…nowadays..before farting was like a twice a week thingy .
My body: Is that what u tell urself “Oh I don’t fart a lot” is that what makes u sleep better at night.Your asking me? what do u eat?
Me: do I even eat sef, is it not when I get home by 6pm that anything gets into my mouth.
My body: yes oh, meanwhile tell that your worwor friend I said thank u for saying I had lost weight…but did he have to add the “Thank your God u have lost weight, like if I hadn’t he was going to produce a needle and burst me.
Me: Thank him urself….
My body: Mchew!!! Its coming its coming…
Me: Its sweeting u now to play, if that thing just comes out…I won’t even mind…I will punch all ur stomach ehn….
My body: Mumu like u wont feel the pain…
Me: u more than I sha…




At school, in critical analysis class

My body: u need to mess, fart, pollute the hair, let one rip….anyone u understand u need to do it na na na..u know wen I start tlking like waffi I am dead serious…na na na!
Me:Have u lost ur Gaddarn mind!Oh wait that’s me…anyways cant u see am in class…

My body: Wetin consain conductor with person wey leave purse for house…to be forewarned is to be forearmed…gat any mouth spray or body spray in ur bag..so immediately it comes out..u can just spray to quench the deadly smell
Me: Thunda faya u…idiot!
My body: Just excuse yourself and go out and just let it out…let ur people go..lol
Me: I can’t, I say I got this, I can hold it till I get home, I know I can.
My body: Oh yeah, u also need to eat..u hear that rumbling in ur tummy…
Me: if I wound u, how many things do u want me to do…abeg free me.
My body: I will free u, oh yes I will!(in a whisper)
Me: what did u say?
My body: Nothing
Me: I thought so.


Fifteen minutes later….

A farting sound like no other that sounds like

“Supercalifragalisticespialidocious” is heard…and the smell…..is even worse!!!!!!!

So people scamper for safety!!! Last time they heard anything like that was during cantonment bombing.

Every body looks at me.

Me: (referring to body) Jesu! What did u just do.

My body: je na pais anglais….tu le parlez vous les…dimanche avec vous?

Me: (referring to class)…It’s…it’s my body (and realizing how stupid that sounds afterwards)

Okay the last bit is actually a figment of my own wild imagination…which I actually pray never happens..but the bit before it truly does happen…and I want to just clarify some issues…I know I talk about farting a lot..but no its not one of my hobbies or talent…so those of u scared to meet me or who have the impression that am like a walking fart-bomb…don’t be scurred…lol…I don’t fart like that!


Meanwhile people pls check out this site...A friend of mine lost a friend of his recently,he shot himself with is dads gun, in his parents room.He left suicide notes for members of his family, and including his supervisor, a frustrated bastard called mr adewumi, in the dept of comp sciences unilag. I dont support suicide, but im sure he was frustrated out of his mind, by his supervisor. Tomi hadnt graduated since 2004 and this is the blog created by his friends and is dedicated to Tomi "turing" sonaikes memory. I will still blog about this issue..but just check out the site TOMI

this is so sad..and i cud cry.

21 comments:

princesa said...

Wow! Laide that was damn funny!
I see your body is as stubborn as mine too.

That link, the one on Tomi is not opening o! It says Blogger not found or something.

Afrobabe said...

kai...Pricesa...I almost made it oh...ok let me go and have a read...

Afrobabe said...

go ahead bish...lol...let it out gently with body slightly raised...blame the fat one...hahahahaha

36 INCHES OF BROWN LEGS said...

this babe u r just hillarious!! i think its something in d air jare. everyone is farting extra these days.

on a serious note, i actually heard Tomi killed himself in d bath tub? i think soemthing like he filled up d bath and dropped some electric cable on or something? all d same suicicde is a very sad thing and may his soul rest in peace.

wavemasta said...

Tomi shot himself, I was his friend, we both entered UNILAG together. And this is the correct URL of the site

http://enmemoriadeturin.blogspot.com/

Cheers and keep fighting student victimization

Ugo Daniels said...

Please i need a favour, wat kind of crack are you into cos mine doesnt get me high again,LOL! You are too mush, haba :)

On the flip, i pity the lost soul, i don't know NIgerians have in them to commit suicide, na real wao!!

badderchic said...

Babe, how far? its so hard to believe tomi had liver to commit suicide, i kinda had a similar supervisor, i spend 10 solid months writing my project as in the guy was just showin himself sha and there was nothing to do about it, even in 400 level my Bish ass HOD who claims to be a feminist made my classmates stand raise their hands and close their eyes in class that was the day i started rethinking the eradication of cultism. in my opinion someone should deal with the woman (she's still there).

Laide u never cease to amaze me. crase girl.

Anonymous said...

the link to TOMI didn't open

bighead said...

this is extremely funny esp the part when your body no parle francais.

Like ugo said, its hard to believe a Nigerian committed suicide. stuff like that was formerly the exclusive property of oyibo. I hope he didn't do it cos of the kain supervisor. Truly sad.

Efua said...

Omo, my friend u better mess if you wanna mess, i no know who u de do chic for... silly cow...

RIP Tomi

30+ said...

You are a hilaritycrasious funny girl. Na wa

Sorry about the Tomi guy but the site is not coming up.

exschoolnerd said...

@all who asked for the link..the link shud be among the comments(the comment by wavemasta)...pls check.

@36..abi thats another suicide case..i heard this tomi shot himself in the head!!

@ugo..its called boredom...thats d crack i be on.24-7

@badderchic..ur kidding me...all dese lecturers et al...am just so angry at the way most of them behae toward students...its gets me all worked up when i think about it.

@bighead...abi oh..almost everybody i told asked the same question...although i dnt think he shud hv commited suicide..but u tell hw fustrated he must have been..if only he had someone to tlk to him...maybe he did.,.maybe he didnt listen..i dunno...i just wish he didnt do it..cause it doesnt solve anything.

Labelle said...

lol! funny read...oh and i do hope u not a walking fart-bomb...lol...will check out the 'Tomi' site.

bumight said...

are you kidding me, where do u pull these things out from?

Arewa said...

Im suprised that u were able to hold the fart for that long....lol
Next time u feel the need to fart..just start walking fast and let loose as u walk(obviously when theres no one walking past at that moment)....lol - THE ART OF FARTING IN PUBLIC....LOL

4real said...

It's a pathetic situation.He should have waited a bit.Life without education does not mean u'll will not make it in life.
Alot of people didn't go to school they made it, are making it now and will still make it.Y sniff life out of urself.Ride on,dont't ever relegate yourself to the background.Success lies ahead,don't be shortsighted.

4real said...

And u oga madam(joking)no course of study is superior to the other.I beleive in life that success is not attached to any course of study.If u are determined that u'll make it nothing will prevent u inrespective of ur course of study .Alot of people that read the so called good courses are not heard, not all mind u.Reading some courses are o.k but that does not determine ur success.
It was said of Dele Momodu of ovation,that he read Yoruba language as his 1st degree.Has he not made it in life?Is he not popular?The rich both home nad abroad wants him.By our grading of courses no parent would have allowed his/her child to read the course baba wole Soyinka read,I learnt he came out with 3rd class.He made it in life foreighn presidents bid him to have breakfast ,lunch ,dinner with them.
Those are just few examples, thousands,billions of examples abide.
(Iya to n ta pure water nkole,iya ton ta aso ni cutter leko ko ti ra ile.)The woman selling pure water has built houses and trained children to school whereas someone selling expensive clothes in Lagos Island has not bought a piece of land,but could be a minister of faji.

Naapali said...

reading your writing is as laughter inducing as reading the best of P.G. Wodehouse, Bill Bryson. u r a comic in the purest sense of the word.

Anonymous said...

Truly truly brilliant. I am laughing so hard I'm crying.

Sorry about your friend, oh!

femme said...

hahahahaa.
that was very funny and very kookoo too.

Atutupoyoyo said...

LOL. Nice one Nerdy. Loving those pics too.

RIP Tomi. Very sad