I just started watching Ugly Betty, well they just started showing it in this part of the world. I think am on the 3rd episode and am already a fan. No it’s not that easy to win me over, but something about this particular series struck a chord with me. And although I cringe and squirm every time I watch all the embarrassing moments she suffers either by her own doing or by someone else’s I still love it cause I can relate…cause I was once like her. Seriously I was Ugly betty, it wasn’t so much that I was ugly but I just didn’t care about how I looked, you know I thought there were more important things than the way a person looked and I desperately needed someone who could look beyond the physical and see the real me.
i was overweight and I let it get to me and people made me feel like I wasn’t worth being on earth but you know what I let them make me feel that way, I let their words, taunts, and whispers get to me. My self esteem was non-existent.
I cry as I write this but am just trying to pull together because I remember me back then and I feel sorry for the girl I was. I almost want to hug her and tell her everything will be alright.
I used to be a sad sad girl in the past, I’ve been scared of the world and the people in it. My brother said I used to be the poster child for “low self esteem”. I didn’t want people to look at me, I didn’t bother taking care of myself cause I felt no one even looked my way. Oh my gosh its hard remembering….do u know that walking on the road with my head held up high staring in people’s faces is all new to me and is something that gives me joy now because I never used to do that before…when I was walking I stared at the earth and I walked with my hands to my back like I wanted to enter the ground.
I detested life/my life so much and hated myself even more, I think that’s why I couldn’t keep friends cause I was forever complaining about how horrid life was. How lonely and depressed I felt, how I wished people wouldn’t judge me by my outsides but get to know my insides and accept my outsides the way it was.
Secondary school was ….it wasn’t the best. I remember the taunts, I know the names by heart, I know the people who made me feel like I was better off dead, who made me rush to the bathroom every other time to cry and made me stay alone in the biology lab writing all day amidst tears. That’s actually how my love for writing began, in the biology lab by myself crying, wondering why everybody hated me so much.
(That’s how I actually got the name “exschoolnerd”…well I was more an outcast than a nerd..but then a nerd is a type of outcast and “exschooloutcast” doesn’t have that nice a ring to it now does it.)
I let all the things people said get to me, even worse I believed I was everything they said I was and I didn’t get to do all the things I always wanted for fear of what people would say and it turned me into a recluse which I still am, made me a lot timid and painfully shy and unable to speak up even when I was being taken advantage of, its hard and always has been hard for me to make and keep friends. It’s not because I feel like I don’t need anybody but I’ve just been a loner for too long I don’t know how to function as anything else…am not unfriendly, anti-social or a snob as most people think my social skills are just not that good.
Another thing that added to the way I felt was how protective my parents were, overprotective I mean, but am sure they meant more good than harm, I didn’t have to deal with the outside world and I actually liked it and thought it would be like that forever. There was always a driver to take me to school and to bring me back from nursery school till I finished secondary school, to take me anywhere I wanted. But then it got to a point where those privileges weren’t available, everybody became busy, no driver or brother to pick and drop me anywhere…and I had to go into the big bad world by myself…I took public transport for the first time when I was 20 and I was scared shitless. You probably would not understand but I have been so shielded from the world that I felt now I would have to stand up and fight for myself. No mummy and daddy to tell that conductor to shut up when he calls me “orobo”, or when that okada man shouts at me and tells me to “carry your yansh jare” I will have to deal with it myself. But I am happy now cause I do not have to depend on anybody to go anywhere, or fight my battles… the feeling cannot be put to words…this isn’t just about being able to take public transport but its symbolizes the liberation of me.
I just started living life at 20, my teenage years where a sad time that I would rather put behind me, it was a time when life held no meaning to me, when tears where what I used to go to bed every night, when I didn’t love myself, when I thought that everyone was against me and id rather be alone with my thoughts, when I felt like being in this world was torture and I wanted out, when I felt like I wasn’t loved and then I went in search for love in all the wrong places and on all the wrong deceitful faces. It wasn’t a happy time…but I thank God…I thank all the people who have always been there for me…because laide has never ever been this happy..laide has never liked herself this much or believed in herself….the future now seems bright for laide…and her confidence has reached a point where no one can touch it now.
I am the ugly caterpillar that grew up to be a beautiful butterfly.
BEAUTIFUL IN EVERY SENSE OF THE WORD.