Tuesday, 4 September 2007

UGLY LAIDE

I just started watching Ugly Betty, well they just started showing it in this part of the world. I think am on the 3rd episode and am already a fan. No it’s not that easy to win me over, but something about this particular series struck a chord with me. And although I cringe and squirm every time I watch all the embarrassing moments she suffers either by her own doing or by someone else’s I still love it cause I can relate…cause I was once like her. Seriously I was Ugly betty, it wasn’t so much that I was ugly but I just didn’t care about how I looked, you know I thought there were more important things than the way a person looked and I desperately needed someone who could look beyond the physical and see the real me.

i was overweight and I let it get to me and people made me feel like I wasn’t worth being on earth but you know what I let them make me feel that way, I let their words, taunts, and whispers get to me. My self esteem was non-existent.

I cry as I write this but am just trying to pull together because I remember me back then and I feel sorry for the girl I was. I almost want to hug her and tell her everything will be alright.

I used to be a sad sad girl in the past, I’ve been scared of the world and the people in it. My brother said I used to be the poster child for “low self esteem”. I didn’t want people to look at me, I didn’t bother taking care of myself cause I felt no one even looked my way. Oh my gosh its hard remembering….do u know that walking on the road with my head held up high staring in people’s faces is all new to me and is something that gives me joy now because I never used to do that before…when I was walking I stared at the earth and I walked with my hands to my back like I wanted to enter the ground.


I detested life/my life so much and hated myself even more, I think that’s why I couldn’t keep friends cause I was forever complaining about how horrid life was. How lonely and depressed I felt, how I wished people wouldn’t judge me by my outsides but get to know my insides and accept my outsides the way it was.

Secondary school was ….it wasn’t the best. I remember the taunts, I know the names by heart, I know the people who made me feel like I was better off dead, who made me rush to the bathroom every other time to cry and made me stay alone in the biology lab writing all day amidst tears. That’s actually how my love for writing began, in the biology lab by myself crying, wondering why everybody hated me so much.

(That’s how I actually got the name “exschoolnerd”…well I was more an outcast than a nerd..but then a nerd is a type of outcast and “exschooloutcast” doesn’t have that nice a ring to it now does it.)

I let all the things people said get to me, even worse I believed I was everything they said I was and I didn’t get to do all the things I always wanted for fear of what people would say and it turned me into a recluse which I still am, made me a lot timid and painfully shy and unable to speak up even when I was being taken advantage of, its hard and always has been hard for me to make and keep friends. It’s not because I feel like I don’t need anybody but I’ve just been a loner for too long I don’t know how to function as anything else…am not unfriendly, anti-social or a snob as most people think my social skills are just not that good.

Another thing that added to the way I felt was how protective my parents were, overprotective I mean, but am sure they meant more good than harm, I didn’t have to deal with the outside world and I actually liked it and thought it would be like that forever. There was always a driver to take me to school and to bring me back from nursery school till I finished secondary school, to take me anywhere I wanted. But then it got to a point where those privileges weren’t available, everybody became busy, no driver or brother to pick and drop me anywhere…and I had to go into the big bad world by myself…I took public transport for the first time when I was 20 and I was scared shitless. You probably would not understand but I have been so shielded from the world that I felt now I would have to stand up and fight for myself. No mummy and daddy to tell that conductor to shut up when he calls me “orobo”, or when that okada man shouts at me and tells me to “carry your yansh jare” I will have to deal with it myself. But I am happy now cause I do not have to depend on anybody to go anywhere, or fight my battles… the feeling cannot be put to words…this isn’t just about being able to take public transport but its symbolizes the liberation of me.

I just started living life at 20, my teenage years where a sad time that I would rather put behind me, it was a time when life held no meaning to me, when tears where what I used to go to bed every night, when I didn’t love myself, when I thought that everyone was against me and id rather be alone with my thoughts, when I felt like being in this world was torture and I wanted out, when I felt like I wasn’t loved and then I went in search for love in all the wrong places and on all the wrong deceitful faces. It wasn’t a happy time…but I thank God…I thank all the people who have always been there for me…because laide has never ever been this happy..laide has never liked herself this much or believed in herself….the future now seems bright for laide…and her confidence has reached a point where no one can touch it now.

I am the ugly caterpillar that grew up to be a beautiful butterfly.

BEAUTIFUL IN EVERY SENSE OF THE WORD.

26 comments:

wavemasta said...

Hey, my teenage years sucked too.....I went through almost the same stuff, and all, and I also began livin life at 19. The important thing is uve changed and come out of it.

lolly said...

I started living last year when I moved out to live on my own,without mummy,daddy,brothers..all by my self and believe me babe it was the most challenging year of my life not having mummy to protect or daddy to comfort and brothers to care for me was a nightmare..but looking back now liade I am glad I did it because I found me and am so in love with my new me..No one can make anyone happy expect confident in ones ability to see beyond what is on the surface..Am Glad You Are Happy With You..because ones you find yourself you are always a step ahead of It all...love lolly.

30+ said...

BLESS YOUR HEART MY GIRL,OMO HOLD ON TO THAT O DON'T LET ANY FOOL COME AND STEAL IT AWAY FROM YOU.

ibiluv said...

good to know u are past all that
because u are what u belive you are
i am small and i believe good things come in small packages

people will always tease
either hateful or playful
u only need to surround urself with those who truly care about u

hateful people always try to taint what they dont have

u know how animals can sense ur fear and capilise on it
so can humans sense if a person's self esteem is low
and hateful people capitalise on it

what lies behind us and what lies before us is nothing compared to what lies within us
fan it into flames

u go girl

Zephi said...

why was I crying as I read your post? because I can realte to every word written... I hated myself because I was too skinny and evryone made fun of me..Id walk with my head down, hardly said anything and was a recluse in every sense of that word...like you, I am blossoming into this butterfly everyday...its and ungoing process...I am not were I am supposed to be but I am not were I used to be..

here is to many more years of self discovery and love..
keep your head up...You are beautiful

Anonymous said...

this is a wonderful piece, quite a lot of young people out there who share similar feelings, if only someone could give them a listening ear.

badderchic said...

Now dont i know what you b talking about? no amount of Aguilera's ur beautiful made me feel beautiful but hey...we really r! abegi bone those pple jere (especially d conductors and olokadas) which day are you coming to my house?

Obinwanne said...

its sad to hear your teanage story, was similar to mine even for the fact that im a guy, i lived with my brother and didnt have that time to communicate with the outside world myself, i started living my own live last year when i moved here to study and live all by myself, so now i see the real me, and i love myself, please hold on to yourself okay...and keep it real

LurLar said...

hmmmmmm i can relate to your story in a way...about parents being too overprotective. I only have friends in school. Yup u have really turned into a beautiful butterfly inside,nd outside.

exschoolnerd said...

am surprised to find out that so many people had to deal with the same thing.but am glad we all came through..it was long and hard but in the end we came out on top.

Nyemoni said...

Nice to know you love yourself... believe me, it happs to most people, whether fat or super-skinny, tall or short, light skinned or dark...

chicala said...

Wooow, u write oh so well!
...Bless.

That liberation u feel now is sth noone can take away from you. I'm happy u love 'u' more now, nothing feels as good as it hun.......

יש (Yosh) said...

You know, had all those inferiority complex as I grew up but in all I always manage to have someone on my side! Someone who stood up for me, both in elementary and high school!

I still carry my reserved state about...it helps when I want to shut the world out, sometimes. But I've learned to handle my new found glory and have fun in it!

Arewa said...

AWWWW.I know exactly what u mean. But at least u were able to overcome all those feelings of low esteem and move on with ur life. WELL DONE GIRLFRIEND!! {hugs ***)

Afrobabe said...

Not sure anybody had the ideal teenage love, I looked ok and was very popular,everyone wanted to be my friend but I had insecurities I covered my by bullying others...I bullied anyone who wouldn't be my friend till they were forced to be...I still meet sec mates that tell me they hated me cos i was rich and bitchy....I am a better person today...hehehhehe...still have a wicked sense of humour but a softer one...
Only now am I trying to be myself and not care what others think about me....
Love you loads girl...

NikkiSab said...

WOW!!!! so sad wat u went thu for a long time. I tink every1 has faced some bullying in dia life but the most important tin is how u overcome. I av bn skinny since any1 has known me and it WAS & IS still d case, i've been teased and i am still being teased by old friends of havin no flesh to hold but I learned early in life dat u cant pls every1.D point is once u luv urself den pple will see u as loveable. I'm glad u av grown stronger and confident about urself. Beauty is not all in d look of a person (saddly society judges on dat). And by d way pple judge odas quickly to distract pple so u dont see d flaws in dem. 10x for d b.day wish girl!!

femme said...

and to think the first thing i thought when i came to ur blog was 'hmm nice picture'
or did u use photoshop on your lips

bighead said...

This is your deepest post I've read so far. Its all good that you've found confidence and self-esteem. I only now wonder what the turning point was.

Ugo Daniels said...

way to go babes, as i always say, suck it up and JUST DO IT! One!!

princesa said...

Laide love, this is one heavy post.
believe me girl, every one and i mean everyone has at a point in time in their lives had to deal with one insecurity issues or the other...even the so called popular kids at school...you cant begein to imagine how insecure they really are.
I wasnt ever the low-self esteem person... but i had my periods too. Times i would feel like i was less than i was just because someone said something nasty but today i have come to realise that i am fearfully and wonderfully made by God which means am special.

Glad you have risen above it all.

catwalq said...

u were not the only one.
I lost most of the weight and I am now very comfortable with the way I look.
It;s not hungry looking and I don't look like I am the only one that knows where the buffet is...
In a way, I was a poplular outcast. I fit in with everyone and no one. That can be even more painful because no one really connects with you and the more you try to connect, you make mistakes that further alienate you and brand you as different.
The beauty is, you have blogville and we love you...

Pink-satin said...

thank God you are who you are now!all that helped u be strong person u are..keep flying butterfly

Anonymous said...

I know EXACTLY what you're talking about, can relate to it all. Socialisation is one of the most important experiences a child NEEDS at an early age for normal development as they grow up - it enables them to learn how to relate to others, negotiate and builds confidence.

I curse my childhood at times, even though it was priviledged, because we were never really allowed friends. Our curfew even at the age of 17 was 6pm.

As a consequence, I was very introverted as a child and learned to entertain myself and hence love my own company. That's why I can understand when you say that you find it ''physically draining'' in the company of others.

Sheltered children are often too trusting, not streetwise enough, naive, and allow themselves to get into situations that they shouldn't. They sometimes hang out with the wrong crowd just for acceptance.

I've had to learn how to socialise and it's been difficult but I'm getting there. It's different when you're an adult and already have preconceived ideas about how to behave.

However you must remember that you mustn't alter yourself for the pleasure of others. Work with what you've got now and try to cut out the types of people who make you retreat into your old shell. You'll find people who compliment your personality and make you feel comfortable without feeling like you have to make an effort to impress them - that is what drains you. Sorry this is so long but your post touched a nerve.

exschoolnerd said...

Thanx to everyone for ur comments.

@the anonymous before this comment)

felt like i was reading bout my life..u have it to the tee..i appreciate ur comment.and i dnt mind about it being long.

Fatoumatta said...

i actually released alot ppl went thru the same thing as well,either worst or better....but nevertheless, we all see it thru nd live it up!!!
keep being beautiful girl

exschoolnerd said...

thnx girl