Wednesday, 12 December 2007

I am not an IBO girl!!!

Thanks to all who took the time to leave comments on my previous posts...comments are much appreciated....your words were wise and comforting and i have taken them to heart and will try and make certain adjustments and try and reach out more and connect with the friends i have and most importantly with God.Thanx again!

That being said..... I AM NOT AN IBO GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I feel like I should get a bloody shirt that reads ‘I am not an Ibo girl’ .

Not that there is anything wrong with being ibo, yeah I have eastern blood in me but the bottom line is my father is Yoruba so therefore I am Yoruba, but 98% of the people I have met in my life expect me to say Chichi or Amaka when they ask. What is your name?
Apparently I look like an Omo Ibo…its funny when people think am ibo and they start talking about me in Yoruba in my presence and I reply them in English letting them know I heard all they said about me…hefferized cunts!

The worse is going to tejuosho….and then the ibo bois act like they’ve found their long lost sista. Nne! biko now…my towns girl…Chioma! If u gree me, I marry you one taim, and they proceed to speak ibo with you odikwa riski riski riksi…

Or random guys be trying to toast you in Ibo…

The craziest was recently when I was in a bus and I happened to be sitting next to this man I usually see on my street and who is always staring at me but probably hasn’t the guts to talk to me, not that I want him to cause he has a reputation of being a lousy morrafucka…it was too late to get off so I just sat down and hoped for the best.

The best being…him not talking to me.

He struck up a conversation…like I feared.(The bold words are his, the normal ones r my replies and the one in italics are the thoughts in my head)

“Em hi… are you not living on orobokibo street?”

Er…duh! Why are u now tryna play dumb like u don’t know I live there….mhchew!!! see ur head.

Yeah! I mumble

I see you all the time, you are always on your own, don’t talk to anybody just listening to your walkman.

Walkman? Weren’t t walkmans(abi na walkmen) phased out in 19brogodo.

I just smile my…oh-really-now-if-that-is-all-i-will-like-to-be-left-alone smile.

But homeboy did not catch on o. those ones with big heads never do.

Warris the name?

I thought he said ‘warri is the name’, I later realized ‘warris’ was his weak attempt at phonerizing ‘what is’….

“laide!”

It came out like word vomit and then I regretted not using my fake name kemi..but what’s the point anyways.

Why are you lying to me now, are you not an ibo girl, you are jor

Are you asking or you are telling me. na ur mama born me? Abi wetin dey do dis eran ko…unboiled meat.

I am not?


I mean me and my boys see you all the time and we all know you are an ibo chic…


Did he say ‘boys’…okokobioko…abi old papa’s…granpa’s sef…abi u think sey I no dey see una…some of una wey don 40, 50….members of the irresponsible mens association of orobokibo street whose activities include being loud, drinking, smoking, inspecting the heftiness of every female chest and rotundness of every bombom…u call urself boys….delusionville is a nice place..ive been there a couple of times so I wont blame you if u choose to live there permanently

I have told you my name already so what your friends think doesn’t matter


Hmm talk true…some even say u look like an ibo chic that likes money that is why they haven’t talked to you.


Come again?

Visibly irritated.(I am)

Do not take it serious oh, they just joke around. They say maybe the reason why u r big is because all your previous boyfriends that used to spend on you have run away.How in all that is sane does that add up? which boyfriends have taken care of me,am I not capable of taking care of myself? Yes some have been very generous but I no get papa for house….abi dem use craze swear for all of una jobless men finish wey no get anything sensible to yarn about.


Anyways can I know you ‘more better?’


I laugh…….that ‘more better’ line is the line I use to make the cut…and boy have a heard it a lot of times…what the heck is more better? Go and learn English more better then I will talk to u….after that foolishness that just came out of your mouth..even after you learn it..i might still not give your assuming ass an audience…a be be nu be.

My name is slyvester

I think he meant….Sylvester!!!

Slyvester my son,.dem send u to school u don’t know how to pronounce your name….shay shay shame…shammmmmme!!!!!!!!!

But u can call me sly!

Only?…stallone nko ?Old man feeling funky.

It seems like you don’t want to talk to me, are you a snob or are you unfriendly. I have noticed that about you. You don’t talk to anybody in the area, life is not like that oh. Being proud takes you nowhere.

At this point I am fuming….where does this man get off saying all that..how our own take be sef, I know you from abraham.No be your fault, I blame the ifesinachi bus wey carry you come lagos….oloju gboro gboro…


Look you can say whatever you want to say, after all you have been saying it before haven’t you, so because someone is not acting like a lousy market woman it means she is a snob. Abi I should come and be greeting ‘u and you boys’ anytime I see you guys, prostrate for all of you before you agree that I am not a snob… I reply

No but at least be friendly, talk to people, misk (mix)…don’t you misk in school.


I don’t misk in school I mix!!!


Are you in the university?

Yes!

Studying what course

English education.

You want to be a teacher (and he laughs one irritating, knock inducing laugh)

I didn’t answer him

English! you must know how to blow grammar very well, I hope you haven’t been examining my English.

Boya lemo!!! Should I recount 1) more better, 2) slyvester, 3) misk and many more to come.

I should be careful with my English o!

Kinda too late for that don’t you think…silly purzon (person), annoying sumborri

So are you going to school now or are you going to see him (the same upper cut inducing grin)

I am going out

So what is your real name, at least I am not a stranger anymore..you can tell me.

I have told you already.

Well I will make do, abi what will I do

No…ma make do! u for don dey beat me until I tell you.

Can I have your number?

Man yi!!! put me down jare I no wear pant (that’s waffi for leave me the f**ck alone already)

I don’t have a fone.

Ahan! A fine girl like you doesn’t have a phone.

Yet again what does being a fine girl have to do with having a fone…na fineness dem dey use buy fone again..abi if u go shop sey u wan buy fone sey u fine…dem go carry N95 put for ur hand.

“Girl change into that victoria secret thing, that I like, alright okay…. I love it..i love it..u love it..u love it…everytime everytime we touching”(My phone is ringing)

Busted! Who is that flasher oshi now!

Is that not your phone just ringing, oh you don’t want me to have your number?

It’s not mine, I lent my brothers fone. My phone was stolen and I have to return this to him when I get home.


Okay can I give you mine?


Ko si wahala…dem tell u sey if u give pesin number pesin musto call..gimme now! Make I take am do decoration for phone.


Not.8.not…bla bla bla bla

I have to come down here, I will be expecting a beep from you….maybe then you will tell me your real name.

It is kelechi! I shout…as he alights.

I knew it.

Knowers club..ode…na u do d naming ceremony wey dem name me kelechi.

I would have such a laugh when he’s shouting kelechi trying to call me on my street when he sees me again. Next time when I tell him my real name he will believe.

Oniranu!

16 comments:

Tiona said...

lol

i totally feel u on this one

they always think im ibo..

i dont have a single drop of Igbo in me

and i always wonda how these guys come up with such useless lines and whut is slyvester???
lolololo

u go gurl!

simplynuttie said...

You should have misked with sly to get to know him better...kai!

Afrobabe said...

lol...

I seem to look like all the nigerian tribes oh...i have been called ngozi,Ekaette,Funi and Aisha....its all good..

love the boiled meat curse...lol

please try and misk with people oh.

36 INCHES OF BROWN LEGS said...

my friend why r u lieing to all of us na? uknow ur real name is kelechi!! lol. misking with slyvester and sturvs!!!

SCOMISS said...

at least your own is ok, when I tell people my name the next thing is "i thought you said you were Nigerian, "whish" kind of name is that?"

like i know my name is not THAT strange

but on the misking levels....you should misk around :)

Anu boy said...

Ex baby, omo i think you really need to misk with people oh, na wa oh, anyways, me i know u r not yourba, why are you claiming yoruba there, no be abia u come from....

big foot like u, anyhows, u always know how to drop a funny post. much luv madam

cally-waffybabe said...

Girl, you are too funny. You are just a riot. I can't stop laughing.

Wishing you a lovely xmas and new year in advance girl. I hope you have a swell time and may all your dreams be fulfilled.

Hugs
xxx

Arewa said...

Can i know u more better....lol...Damn..#
i feel u girl..some guys just dont check themselves before they try chatting up girls, especially when the girl is so no in thier leauge...

bumight said...

Nne kelechi,
while I was misking around on blogville, I sighted your blog from afar, I will like to get to know u more better.
thanks,
bumight

LAWL!

Fo said...

no wonder i cldnt get to ur blog,u changed the site name..u shld have said so..hows u by the way??

princesa said...

LMAO!
Craze girl!
So they think you are ibo ehn??
Thats a compliment na...ibo babes are foine!!!

How you dey?

babzent said...

Ify, nna biko y are u trying to haid ya tru identity. Cracking post as usual.Longest time, how've you been? Any luck with your letter to Adekanye? Wish u all da best.The things we do 4 love...

Zephi said...

oh ghel..I am feeling your yabbis...your mouth sharp no be small ting oh...

LMAO..sly ko sly ni...maybe his name is really slyvester, as in na wetin in mama and papa christen am.. error passed down..

LMAO.. i am still cracking up

icequeen said...

ROFLMAO @ stallone nko? for some reason that one has left me with tears in my eyes. i havent even finished reading the post. i had to comment...LMAO!!

Mz. Dee said...

Well i cant rily relate to u on the ibo thing but i don understand how ANNOYING it is to have guyz acting lyk they know everything about u!!
Just did an entry bout all dem toasterz.. weird dat i'm readin dis now!
Awesome post!

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