Monday, 10 December 2007

I was scrolling through my phonebook the other day, I was having a bad day….and I needed something to pick me out of the dumps….and sorta let me know that everything would be alright.I have probably over 350 names in my phonebook and I just couldn’t pick one person to call.cause I reaslized that I know way too many people but have few friends and even among my friends I didn’t know who I could call who would have my time, who knew the right words to say that would make me feel better.

Have u ever felt like nobody really knows u on a deeper scale (the only person I feel might know me like that is Obinna, and we don’t talk anymore)….i have never really connected with people as much as I would have wanted. I guess I just have to accept that deep down the real me is a loner, and is incapable of having deep relationships with people which is quite sad…because I really do need someone that knows me in and out as I do them…that knows what am capable of so when someone else tells them… Laide did this the person will be like….not the Laide I know, no matter how much evidence this other person lays down, he/she wont just jump into conclusions because, he/she knows me on a level that no one else knows.

Someone that when I am down in the dumps and I call..can insult me back into happiness..and talk some sense into me…and tell me those words that need to get me back on my feet. Knows when am sad, I don’t need to say it, knows when am angry, happy, and we both just understand ourselves and our moods.

Someone that doesn’t sugar coat anything for me, tells it like it is even if it hurts.

Someone that I can tell anything to without being afraid that he/she would judge me and think I was a bad person..because yet again…he/she knows me and knows that there had to be a reason why I did what I did….something had to have pushed me and not because I relish doing it but is it able to tell me I was wrong when I was wrong and lay it all out for me.

I am a loner, I enjoy being alone most times but even a loner needs someone, needs a confidant…I am not a loner everytime..there are just some times being alone suits me…and I don’t know how to reach out to people…to tell them I need u…I have existed by myself for so long….i don’t know how to do it..and sometimes I feel so lonely….that words can’t quite describe….

People misunderstand me, they think I am unfriendly, a snob….but I am only being what I know how to be…I am trying to reach out….i really am…..because loneliness seems to be doing my head in…and I feel no one knows me…u read my blog..u get some insight into part of my life….but there’s more to me that what I put on my blog….a teensy weensy part…that is unknown…




That I wish somebody would just get to know……

I have not wanted to talk about this for a very long time…but I am tired of keeping it in………I am tired…so so tired.

I started using relationships as a way to feel that void…and although sometimes it did a little, other times it just didn’t and then id move to the next one thinking that would do it.

I am tired now, I know I need something in my life….i need God, I need a confidant. I need something to just feel up that hole, that void and drive away loneliness completely…and the rest of her friends she has invited into my life, depression, boredom, unhappiness…I don’t want anymore…let her pack her load and go and take her friends with her.
I am on the brink and she isn’t making things easy…I just need to stop feeling the way am feeling as I type this..tears come easy to me now…i once wrote a poem in which I said ‘my eyes hold a river I never knew of’….well loneliness makes that river flow…..

15 comments:

SCOMISS said...

i totally know how u feel...been there

but sometimes u may have those people around but you just don't know because you've never really opened up to them....

but please do not be depressed it's not a good feeling at all...been there too....

call me jo

Bold and Beautiful said...

I really really really do feel that way somex and i know how miserable it can feel ...u can be lonly in the midst of a crowd know,God is the only one that can fill the void though...whats ur email addy?

Maybe u need new freinds..

Olamild said...

u shouldn't be a loner

wavemasta said...

Hey I understand how you feel, and I know its easy looking for substitutes to feel the void within.....pele, it will pass.

KEMI said...

HI Lovely lady, please dont do this to yourself take your time and cry the tears you will definately feel better.When your eyes clear out make a list of things you could do differently that might bring some people closer to you. Thing is you are a lovely person and there are people around who love you to bits and would readily give you a shoulder to cry on, you might not even realise its those people and believe me they will be the ones you never thought off. Dont give up on the obvious ones either i.e. friends you might have drifted from and are too proud or ashamed to call just let yourself be vulnerable for a bit, give up on being so strong for yourself just a bit, you will be amazed at how many offers of help that will come your way. Most of all pray to God he will calm you down in his own special way and see you through this. Situations like this are always a wake up call for me, there is a lesson to be learnt from this feeling Laide pls make sure your mind is open to see it.
Besides your fans like me dont like our Laide like this o! we might not know you too well and are just some random internet people but you do not know how you have brought laughter into my life at times when i was down or made me see issues from another perspective. Please release bubbly Laide back. God Bless you chic

psykotikdiva said...

i know how you feel swts,i'm there right now,hopefully it will pass and it will be blue skies before the new year.

Bubbles said...

I hope u find that special friend, we all need that type of friend in our lives. I don't have one right now, but i have had friends like that in the past, so i totally understand what u mean. You'll be fine.

4wardnfiaca said...

it can be hard when u seemingly have a lot of contacts, but no one to talk to...
hopefully that changes for you soon. keep in mind that God is always ur friend and can fill the void in ur life...whatever is causing it. will definitely keep u in my prayers

AN IBO DUDE'S CORNER said...

which obinna where u referring to..? me?

we are all loners in our own way.
trust more and reach out, there are lots of good people out there...like me

cheer up dear

Anu boy said...

ex, i was so mad when i was reading this ur post, omo i no believe say out of that yeye 350 contacts on ur phone, you did not see my number to call, thanks for letting me know that i am not one of ur true friends...

Bold and Beautiful said...

Ok babe...hope u feel better now,saw ur comment on my blog and already sent u a mail.tk care

fantasy queen said...

all loners unite!!!
i feel like u do sometimes, one thing i'm certain of is that i'm my own best friend...it might sound crazy but i talk to myself, face the mirror and just let it out, or record my voice, listen to it afterwards and delete, then i feel better. its weird but hearing myself bitch is like having the perfect friend who knows how listen without interupting, then i laugh at my stupidity and i feel better...excellento...

but then i'm sure if u/i/everyone who claims to be a loner tries to actually reach out, we'd find someone who would listen.

Zephi said...

eyah..I understand..Maybe you should do something you have never done b4. You know. reach out more and make the extra effort to talk to people and get to know them. i bet there is someone right under your nose who can be your confidant but you have not fully opened to them.
cheers

Koisha's JouRneY said...

damn its like u wrote my inner most being..sha dont worry all is well ..jus get closer to ur Man upstairs n the worries, anxieties, loneliness will disappear..

Nwanyi said...

I thought 'warris' was HIS name lol..