I was scrolling through my phonebook the other day, I was having a bad day….and I needed something to pick me out of the dumps….and sorta let me know that everything would be alright.I have probably over 350 names in my phonebook and I just couldn’t pick one person to call.cause I reaslized that I know way too many people but have few friends and even among my friends I didn’t know who I could call who would have my time, who knew the right words to say that would make me feel better.
Have u ever felt like nobody really knows u on a deeper scale (the only person I feel might know me like that is Obinna, and we don’t talk anymore)….i have never really connected with people as much as I would have wanted. I guess I just have to accept that deep down the real me is a loner, and is incapable of having deep relationships with people which is quite sad…because I really do need someone that knows me in and out as I do them…that knows what am capable of so when someone else tells them… Laide did this the person will be like….not the Laide I know, no matter how much evidence this other person lays down, he/she wont just jump into conclusions because, he/she knows me on a level that no one else knows.
Someone that when I am down in the dumps and I call..can insult me back into happiness..and talk some sense into me…and tell me those words that need to get me back on my feet. Knows when am sad, I don’t need to say it, knows when am angry, happy, and we both just understand ourselves and our moods.
Someone that doesn’t sugar coat anything for me, tells it like it is even if it hurts.
Someone that I can tell anything to without being afraid that he/she would judge me and think I was a bad person..because yet again…he/she knows me and knows that there had to be a reason why I did what I did….something had to have pushed me and not because I relish doing it but is it able to tell me I was wrong when I was wrong and lay it all out for me.
I am a loner, I enjoy being alone most times but even a loner needs someone, needs a confidant…I am not a loner everytime..there are just some times being alone suits me…and I don’t know how to reach out to people…to tell them I need u…I have existed by myself for so long….i don’t know how to do it..and sometimes I feel so lonely….that words can’t quite describe….
People misunderstand me, they think I am unfriendly, a snob….but I am only being what I know how to be…I am trying to reach out….i really am…..because loneliness seems to be doing my head in…and I feel no one knows me…u read my blog..u get some insight into part of my life….but there’s more to me that what I put on my blog….a teensy weensy part…that is unknown…
That I wish somebody would just get to know……
I have not wanted to talk about this for a very long time…but I am tired of keeping it in………I am tired…so so tired.
I started using relationships as a way to feel that void…and although sometimes it did a little, other times it just didn’t and then id move to the next one thinking that would do it.
I am tired now, I know I need something in my life….i need God, I need a confidant. I need something to just feel up that hole, that void and drive away loneliness completely…and the rest of her friends she has invited into my life, depression, boredom, unhappiness…I don’t want anymore…let her pack her load and go and take her friends with her.
I am on the brink and she isn’t making things easy…I just need to stop feeling the way am feeling as I type this..tears come easy to me now…i once wrote a poem in which I said ‘my eyes hold a river I never knew of’….well loneliness makes that river flow…..