Yes madness that’s what I call it, this sorry excuse for a day of celebrating love….more like a day where sheer commercialism thrives and singles…like..moi are felt to feel like LOSERS just because we are single. I guess that’s why it’s called Singles Awareness Day a.k.a SAD. Okay am sorry if I come off as the grinch that stole valentines day, maybe if I was in a relationship i wouldn’t be such a hater right? Look am all for expressing ur love and all..i mean whatever rocks your boat…flips your toast, knocks your socks off, sweets ur be-le… but what’s with dedicating one particular day to that..What happened to "Just because it was Tuesday"..I sent you flowers just because it was Friday…not because it was Valentines Day…okay okay …
Okay so here are some valentines day survival tips for all those people…like moi..who are single…I say survival because that day could be quite depressing for us..
1) If you don’t have a partner to share the day with.., don’t hurl urself over third mainland bridge yet, the fishermen might be celebrating vals and might not be in the vicinity to save ur sorry ass, emergency service..even if they are not celebrating vals..they aint coming for your sorry ass….valentines day isn’t all about couples. Show love to a friend, family, a colleague, show some kids who need all the love they can get that they are still remembered, go to the orphanages, hospitals…
2) Hang out with friends…gather a couple of your favourite female or male friends, who are single…no couples allowed…make that a rule…try and avoid all those places were you know they’d definitely be having some valentines day event. Which would probably leave you with a warehouse or a mallam’s kiosk cause they seem to be doing some valentines day shindig everywhere. Avoid those places because, you are bound to see couples, and no matter how giddy you are (or pretend to be) about your singledom…it would still suck. Save yourself the self-pity or the thoughts of going over to the sappy couple in the corner holding hands and acting all lovey dovey and causing them some bodily harm…now I know why in movies the psycho always goes for the couple making out in some secluded area…that’s one time I can actually relate with him.
3)Stay indoors and watch TV all day….could be quite depressing but being outside is alot worse…the couples and all…valentines cakes in ur faces, mannequins dressed up in red and white, shops strategically positioning teddy bears, flowers and lingerie at the windows, posters everywhere….red red red red red…..just stay indoors would you.
4)Get yourself a Valentines Day boyfriend, only to be used for the day and dumped afterwards….if it’s so important for you to be ‘valed’…try and get yourself one sucker before the day. Remember this isn’t a period for fronting…the first normal looking fruitcake that eyes you, give him the eye back..strike up a conversation….who knows he might just make your valentines day. Or is there someone who’s been asking you out or who u fancy but haven’t given the chance, here’s the right time to make that call(that’s if their phones aren’t switched off, to avoid people like you)
"Hello lagbaja how are you?
"Ah, sheila! this is the first time you have ever called me"
"Are you seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrious?"
"I am serrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrious!"
"Anyways how are you, can we see? Ive missed you" sheila asks.
(He does the math, Valentines Day is in four days time)
"God punish you! Shey na because of valentines day you call me.click!
Redials the number
The number you have dialed is switched off, pls try again later.
5 mins later…
Operator: the number you have dialed is switched off, pls try again later
3 days later
Operator: the number you have dialed is switched off pls try again later.
On Valentines Day…
Operator: The boy you have called doesn’t want to celebrate valentines with you ah! kini!.na by force..pls try again later.
Or who knows you just might find one poor sap who doesn’t mind to be used….then drop him like he’s hot afterwards…valentines day PUNKED style.
5) Hear no evil, see no evil… carry on like it’s just a normal day, go about ur normal duties…with your ipod, phone and sunglasses that is. That way you don’t have to hear anything about Valentines Day….and your dark shades means you don’t really see red.(pun intended)
7) Val yourself…yes..you love yourself don’t you..not in the am too sexy for my t-shirt way…but the healthy self-love we should all have.
You could use some new Victoria’s secret lingerie right?
That old teddy bear isn’t as cuddly anymore, u’ve squeezed the cuddliness out of it during those boyfriend less nights…get urself a new one, a bigger one, a much bigger one (get your mind out of the gutter)
You could do with new perfume..maybe the old one is the reason why all your partners ran away(I said maybe)…maybe it smells like raid or air freshener or drummer boy.
Chocolate…anything that’s better than sex is worth having everyday….get urself some(no pun intended)
For the guys..how long have you been rotating those two boxers? Nows the time to val your "jewels" (or whatever perverted name you call them)..with some new underwear..they deserve it don’t they, those poor things living in such conditions…infact u should val them for the next five years till they have recovered from the harsh conditions they were made to live in.
Go out to your favourite restaurant or Iya biliki’s buka and order till you can eat no more .Treat yourself to a nice time, if nobody else wants to. Nobody knows your worth yet, they don’t know how awesome you are, how incredible you are, how amazing you could be…how…OYA SHUT UP already and stop trying make urself feel better.
Let me know which one you decide to do.
As for me am leaning towards 2, but in the event where I check my account and there’s no money which might likely be the case…3 or 5 will be just fine. But wait oh 6 is very cheap.Thank you! I can’t shout.