This entry was inspired by A column in Sound city’s Blast Magazine…(which I write for) supposedly by Dbanj….its called “Ask the Koko master” and I read it and almost died because it was hella funny and if its really him that writes it then he is the craziest person ever.….i decided to do my own spin…”Ask the Exschoolnerd”
You can leave your own zany questions as comments…and ill probably treat them later.
Every single time I and my three friends go out, they always get toasters and even if we meet four guys the last one never even talks to me. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Am not ugly, infact am very pretty and I am not even FAT…why do u think I can do so they can notice me?
Dear Toasterless Titi,
First of all why did you have to put FAT in the mix? Neways you say u are very pretty, u should have sent evidence. How am I sure u r not lying and wasting my time? You know you might be seeing a pretty girl in the mirror but what everyone else sees is a scorpion. It’s called ‘illusions of Prettiness”. Neways since you say you are pretty *coughs* aren’t we all*coughs*…who am I to disagree.
Now the only other thing you can do is to change your soap.
What soap do you use by the way?
Ahah! therein lies your problem!
Infact u are a very stupid girl! See the name of the soap sef how u wan get toasters..mchew!!! u r a stupid girl but ill help you.
Now find out the soap your friends are using and start using that soap and you’ll see how your life will change. Maybe they r using ‘Boys follow me soap”…because no girl gets toasters every bloody time.
NO MORE TOTO! Say it with me…YES!
Two guys have died days after they proposed to me, is it me? Is it something I am dying wrong? Why are they dying?
Dear Petrified Patricia,
Oooooooh!!! I hate it when people waste my time with things that are very obvious. I mean when you lose your job because of your incompetence you’ll say people are doing you but when the writings are on the wall that someone is doing you, you start asking stupid questions…I am very angry….but this is what you can do.
Those days of MFM deliverance weren‘t in vain.
Write down the names of everybody who you think hates you….
Nobody hates you? Hahaha! In that case write down the names of all your family members plus ur parents and siblings, friends, co-workers, everyone you feel you have slighted and pray this prayer filling the gap with their names.
If it is ……………………… that is behind the death of my fiancé’s and doesn’t want me to get married. Father cast them into the deep with hot chains and fetters of iron and send 7000 arrows of God into their chest and send your thunder fire and lightening to strike them and die by fire.
It’s called the elimination process, you have to go through everybody since u can’t pinpoint where the hateration is coming from.
The spirit says you should pray it for 21 days!
Ah! What is ah! 21 days is too much? Stay there..las las na baba fryo your papa gateman u go marry. Shut up! and pray.
21 days prayer and fasting, pray and fast from 7am in the morning to 3pm when you can break your fast okay?
The only thing is that many people you know will die but your Adam will locate you by fire. D o I hear an Amen?
I have a bulge, but I love to wear tight clothes so I can compete for club boys, lecturers and aristo’s with other campus girls. What do I do about the bulge? I have tried everything to get it down, drank every concoction, and rubbed every cream…pls I need your help there is a party next week and I need to look decent and bulge-less…got any tips?
Dear Desperate Didi,
Hahahaaha! okay am sorry for laughing, I’ll not judge your reasons for wanting to get rid of the bulge no matter how stupid they are, it’s not your fault you don’t have home training is it? Now I don’t know how big your bulge is….are we talking itsy bitsy bulge like mine..or king kong bulge…in which case you should be writing to extreme makeover instead.
I don’t know which magic you want me to do before next week but get a stretch material, tell your tailor to sew a tube like attire for you, make sure its very tight on you so its sucks in your bulge and keeps your folds in place. You might not be able to breathe but isn’t that a small sacrifice so your bulge will be less visible?
Now go out into the world and wear your tight clothes sporting your bulge free body proudly….when you contact HIV…pls do not mail me.
My mum thinks am I slut what can I do to change her perception of me?
Dear Suzy whose mom thinks she’s a slut,
Ho, I mean hi Suzy dearie. I can so feel your pain because that’s what the perception I tot my mum had of me when I was little, but you have to have done something. Did u do show and tell with your private parts when you were 8 with your cousin? Or write love letters to a boy in her primary school when you were in secondary school…none of which I did by the way..Am just asking?
Mail me and let me know if there’s anything you’ve done for her to think you are a ho! I mean slut.
Its Suzzy again, I am not denying the fact that I am a slut I just need to know how I can make her not think I am a slut.
Dear Slutty Suzy,
What I want to know is are you planning to leave your slutty ways and become a good girl, or you want to stay a slut and give your mum the impression that you are not a slut…feel a sister in.
Look I am a slut, and will always be a slut. I just want her to think I am a good girl I have no intentions of not being a slut anytime soon..u dig?
If that’s the case, you need go into deeper life dressing mode. Which means long dresses, turtle necks, socks,..pratically anything that doesn’t show any skin at all…tell her you’ve joined the choir in your church, learn some new Christian songs to convince her and sing two a day in your room so she thinks you are practicing..You can still be your slutty self on the low low…but when Jesus Christ wants to punish you…me I no dey dere o!
My name is determination and I am 23 years old and still a virgin. All my friends have had sex and they keep making fun of me that I am so useless I can’t even get a girl. What can I do? Pls I need your help…
Dear Determined Virgin,
What! U r a 23 year old virgin….I mean I mean that’s like the worst thing ever…I mean the world is coming to an end…Mchew!! IDIYOOT!
Look haven’t you seen 40 year old virgin? And you are here complaining that u r 23 and you r still a virgin..neways I don’t blame you when many of your mates had their first taste of sex when they were 5 or 6…I can imagine how that must make you feel. You see I will help…
I’ll put u through a plan..It’s called "how to get laid in a day”
Now its either one of two things…its either u are poor or ugly..which one is it?
Ah..double jeopardy! But don’t panic there is still hope…
I’ll put u through a plan..its called’ how to get laid in a day”
I’ll find you a nice oye pumping, gbedu blasting car….some nice clothes…a shirt…jeans…and sneakers…and then you’ll go to UNILAG. Immediately u enter thru the front gate put your radio on the loudest so you’ll get noticed and fly your collar so you look retarded…apparently retarded is the new cool. When you enter, park your car near moremi…you walk to love garden near senate and sit down…..bring out your car keys and shake it five times…and you will begin to look attractive in the eyes of all the girls there….i tell you that car key shaking thing can make Gollum look like Reggie Bush….it works wonders….by the end of the day you’ve been approached by 10 girls or more..choose the dumbest one..tell her you just came from yankee…speak good English oh! Infact you don’t have to speak good English..u have a car don’t u…forget English jare…take her to a nice motel…that’s after you’ve set a lot of effects around the room…some wine….that rolex that I borrowed u that if you misplace being a virgin wouldn’t be your only problem….then last but not least to ensure that you are getting some..buy her chicken and chips….my friend…you r are so getting laid…after which she will sleep…gather all the effects…and disappear from that motel….is that clear? You can leave you number incase she thinks your kpenshing skills r worth calling you for and can overlook the fact that u are poor and ugly…which I seriously doubt but hey what the heck…you got laid! Go and tell all your friends!!!!
Oh yea one more thing…change your fucking name!
Before I go i'll like to introduce you to u a couple of blogs I think you should know..
His name is Sanchez..yes the one who sang “pick it up”….not only is he a talented rapper but an even better writer….if you’ve watched the movie ‘Letters to a Stranger’ you’ll now what I mean…and someone that I really admire and look up to as a writer.
Pls show him some love by checking out his blog at TATAFOHQ
Some of you probably know his blog already, he is my friend and a pretty good writer too and I convinced him to start bloggin… read his stuff at WELLSBABA
Last but not the least, he wants everybody to know he is a Nigerian Web Developer, he is a friend but a very annoying one, designs websites and is very smart but weird…pls check him out at DAMILARE
Now all o yall can send me my dough for the publicity I just gave you…better still my birthday is on the 6th of April…so u can like to start getting me something now!