Monday, 31 March 2008

Ask Exschoolnerd!

This entry was inspired by A column in Sound city’s Blast Magazine…(which I write for) supposedly by Dbanj….its called “Ask the Koko master” and I read it and almost died because it was hella funny and if its really him that writes it then he is the craziest person ever.….i decided to do my own spin…”Ask the Exschoolnerd”
You can leave your own zany questions as comments…and ill probably treat them later.

Dear Exschoolnerd,
Every single time I and my three friends go out, they always get toasters and even if we meet four guys the last one never even talks to me. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Am not ugly, infact am very pretty and I am not even FAT…why do u think I can do so they can notice me?

4rm Titi

Dear Toasterless Titi,

First of all why did you have to put FAT in the mix? Neways you say u are very pretty, u should have sent evidence. How am I sure u r not lying and wasting my time? You know you might be seeing a pretty girl in the mirror but what everyone else sees is a scorpion. It’s called ‘illusions of Prettiness”. Neways since you say you are pretty *coughs* aren’t we all*coughs*…who am I to disagree.
Now the only other thing you can do is to change your soap.
What soap do you use by the way?
TOTO soap!
Ahah! therein lies your problem!
Infact u are a very stupid girl! See the name of the soap sef how u wan get toasters..mchew!!! u r a stupid girl but ill help you.
Now find out the soap your friends are using and start using that soap and you’ll see how your life will change. Maybe they r using ‘Boys follow me soap”…because no girl gets toasters every bloody time.
NO MORE TOTO! Say it with me…YES!

Dear Exschoolnerd,

Two guys have died days after they proposed to me, is it me? Is it something I am dying wrong? Why are they dying?

4rm Patrica

Dear Petrified Patricia,

Oooooooh!!! I hate it when people waste my time with things that are very obvious. I mean when you lose your job because of your incompetence you’ll say people are doing you but when the writings are on the wall that someone is doing you, you start asking stupid questions…I am very angry….but this is what you can do.
Those days of MFM deliverance weren‘t in vain.
Write down the names of everybody who you think hates you….
Nobody hates you? Hahaha! In that case write down the names of all your family members plus ur parents and siblings, friends, co-workers, everyone you feel you have slighted and pray this prayer filling the gap with their names.

If it is ……………………… that is behind the death of my fiancé’s and doesn’t want me to get married. Father cast them into the deep with hot chains and fetters of iron and send 7000 arrows of God into their chest and send your thunder fire and lightening to strike them and die by fire.

It’s called the elimination process, you have to go through everybody since u can’t pinpoint where the hateration is coming from.

The spirit says you should pray it for 21 days!
Ah! What is ah! 21 days is too much? Stay there..las las na baba fryo your papa gateman u go marry. Shut up! and pray.
21 days prayer and fasting, pray and fast from 7am in the morning to 3pm when you can break your fast okay?
The only thing is that many people you know will die but your Adam will locate you by fire. D o I hear an Amen?

Dear Exschoolnerd,

I have a bulge, but I love to wear tight clothes so I can compete for club boys, lecturers and aristo’s with other campus girls. What do I do about the bulge? I have tried everything to get it down, drank every concoction, and rubbed every cream…pls I need your help there is a party next week and I need to look decent and bulge-less…got any tips?

4rm Didi

Dear Desperate Didi,

Hahahaaha! okay am sorry for laughing, I’ll not judge your reasons for wanting to get rid of the bulge no matter how stupid they are, it’s not your fault you don’t have home training is it? Now I don’t know how big your bulge is….are we talking itsy bitsy bulge like mine..or king kong bulge…in which case you should be writing to extreme makeover instead.
I don’t know which magic you want me to do before next week but get a stretch material, tell your tailor to sew a tube like attire for you, make sure its very tight on you so its sucks in your bulge and keeps your folds in place. You might not be able to breathe but isn’t that a small sacrifice so your bulge will be less visible?
Now go out into the world and wear your tight clothes sporting your bulge free body proudly….when you contact HIV…pls do not mail me.

Dear Exschoolnerd,

My mum thinks am I slut what can I do to change her perception of me?


Dear Suzy whose mom thinks she’s a slut,

Ho, I mean hi Suzy dearie. I can so feel your pain because that’s what the perception I tot my mum had of me when I was little, but you have to have done something. Did u do show and tell with your private parts when you were 8 with your cousin? Or write love letters to a boy in her primary school when you were in secondary school…none of which I did by the way..Am just asking?
Mail me and let me know if there’s anything you’ve done for her to think you are a ho! I mean slut.

Dear Exschoolnerd,

Its Suzzy again, I am not denying the fact that I am a slut I just need to know how I can make her not think I am a slut.

Dear Slutty Suzy,

What I want to know is are you planning to leave your slutty ways and become a good girl, or you want to stay a slut and give your mum the impression that you are not a slut…feel a sister in.

Dear Exschoolnerd,

Look I am a slut, and will always be a slut. I just want her to think I am a good girl I have no intentions of not being a slut anytime soon..u dig?

Dear Slutyrella,

If that’s the case, you need go into deeper life dressing mode. Which means long dresses, turtle necks, socks,..pratically anything that doesn’t show any skin at all…tell her you’ve joined the choir in your church, learn some new Christian songs to convince her and sing two a day in your room so she thinks you are practicing..You can still be your slutty self on the low low…but when Jesus Christ wants to punish you…me I no dey dere o!

Dear Exschoolnerd,

My name is determination and I am 23 years old and still a virgin. All my friends have had sex and they keep making fun of me that I am so useless I can’t even get a girl. What can I do? Pls I need your help…

Dear Determined Virgin,

What! U r a 23 year old virgin….I mean I mean that’s like the worst thing ever…I mean the world is coming to an end…Mchew!! IDIYOOT!
Look haven’t you seen 40 year old virgin? And you are here complaining that u r 23 and you r still a virgin..neways I don’t blame you when many of your mates had their first taste of sex when they were 5 or 6…I can imagine how that must make you feel. You see I will help…

I’ll put u through a plan..It’s called "how to get laid in a day”

Now its either one of two things…its either u are poor or ugly..which one is it?


Ah..double jeopardy! But don’t panic there is still hope…

I’ll put u through a plan..its called’ how to get laid in a day”

I’ll find you a nice oye pumping, gbedu blasting car….some nice clothes…a shirt…jeans…and sneakers…and then you’ll go to UNILAG. Immediately u enter thru the front gate put your radio on the loudest so you’ll get noticed and fly your collar so you look retarded…apparently retarded is the new cool. When you enter, park your car near moremi…you walk to love garden near senate and sit down…..bring out your car keys and shake it five times…and you will begin to look attractive in the eyes of all the girls there….i tell you that car key shaking thing can make Gollum look like Reggie Bush….it works wonders….by the end of the day you’ve been approached by 10 girls or more..choose the dumbest one..tell her you just came from yankee…speak good English oh! Infact you don’t have to speak good English..u have a car don’t u…forget English jare…take her to a nice motel…that’s after you’ve set a lot of effects around the room…some wine….that rolex that I borrowed u that if you misplace being a virgin wouldn’t be your only problem….then last but not least to ensure that you are getting her chicken and chips….my friend…you r are so getting laid…after which she will sleep…gather all the effects…and disappear from that motel….is that clear? You can leave you number incase she thinks your kpenshing skills r worth calling you for and can overlook the fact that u are poor and ugly…which I seriously doubt but hey what the heck…you got laid! Go and tell all your friends!!!!

Oh yea one more thing…change your fucking name!

Before I go i'll like to introduce you to u a couple of blogs I think you should know..

His name is Sanchez..yes the one who sang “pick it up”….not only is he a talented rapper but an even better writer….if you’ve watched the movie ‘Letters to a Stranger’ you’ll now what I mean…and someone that I really admire and look up to as a writer.
Pls show him some love by checking out his blog at TATAFOHQ

Some of you probably know his blog already, he is my friend and a pretty good writer too and I convinced him to start bloggin… read his stuff at WELLSBABA

Last but not the least, he wants everybody to know he is a Nigerian Web Developer, he is a friend but a very annoying one, designs websites and is very smart but weird…pls check him out at DAMILARE

Now all o yall can send me my dough for the publicity I just gave you…better still my birthday is on the 6th of April…so u can like to start getting me something now!


Omotayo said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Omotayo said...

Am first 2day? Pretty impressed with meself. Nice Q&A ...... determined determination.....he really needs to change his name. Hope U aiight....06-04....where we dey enter go lounge? Waiting for the holla. Nice entry.


babes u r terrible!!!!
come lets go out for lunch for ur birthday na??? on me!!

theicequeen said...


"The only thing is that many people you know will die but your Adam will locate you by fire. D o I hear an Amen?"

"fly your collar so you look retarded"

girl youre tew tew craaaazy! lol

meanwilez, put up one of "d'banj's" Q and A's nowww...for those of us that, AHEM, have never seen the said magazine...

wavemasta said...

Crazy post....I liked the how to get laid

bolaji(bididdy) said...

sounds like wavemaster is in the same shoes...mehn laide u've gone retarded urself...wetin make u think of all these's all good anyway and for that gurl dat can't get a toaster...emmm....God help u sha...maybe wen u're 50 u'll finally find one...p.s holla me for the B-day bash...

SCOMISS said...

if i was in naija i would take u out.....but since i am in jand

You have my love...chei u don old pass me again...i will catch up in July

darkelcee said...

i dont know what to say dear.

Just that you are too funny.

Just recovering from ur last post now this! lollll

cyber hugs and kisses

musco said...

tanx 4 giving us a clearer picture of what happens in unilag!

Anonymous said...


Eve said...

very funny

Omohemi Benson said...

dear Exschoolnerd,
I have a mad friend called schoolnerd,
how can we help her?

wellsbaba said...

lol....dis girl u no go kill person ooo...d way u alwais portray unilag is sick crazy mehn.... u too get am! i no mind d publicity u give me ooo but u no need byday gift for me to compensate naw,I'll just give u publicity back too on my!

olu said...

I love your response to Determination's letter. Effing funny! O ti po ju! I think the guy shouldn't waste fuel going as far as Moremi/Senate building, he should just stop at New hall (precisely Makama or MTH, I'm not sure about Fagunwa) and he would get some game even b4 he steps out of the car. Trust me!

badderchic said...

No reason stating the obvious. you don crase finish!

miss me?

InCogNaija said...

this one where you are pouncing on those that asked you kain counselor get as e be o!!

Damilare said...


What more can I say?

Terrific ****!

Hapi Bday sha, u'll get some surprise idiot! LOL

Mz. Dee said...

Lmao... In fact its not only MFM prayerz she needz.. send her back to Prayer City, so the "spirt killing husband" can be removed.. her grandmoda is probably remote controllin her sumwhere.. go to ur village and look under "Mama'z" bed.. wen u see the calabas, scatter am.. bash am.. destroy am with holyghost thunder.. then bring ur offerin to me..

Wonderful entry Skulnerd... totali made my dai!

Mz. Dee said...

oh wait... april baby???
ure 20 dayz ahead of me.. eemagine.. sha.. we shud celebrate together!! i'm 26th!

Sasuke said...

very funny post. you sure know how to string them stories.

about the guy named determination im be like say im determination no be small one. but at least thanks for proferring a solution to help the guy get laid
nice blog would be stopping by often

musco said...

wow,did I actually get a comment on my blog from the most popular blogger in lagos?I really appreciate the fact that you took time out to go through my blog.

nice to know you are studying English.I can now understand & appreciate where the muse to write comes from.studying English in the university is not as easy as people think.I can remember vividly that I really felt like giving up when I was in school because the workload was just 2 much.even when I thought I had finally escaped from mathematics,it came to rear its ugly head again during one of my 300level courses-transformational generative grammar(TGG).we had to draw stuffs that looked like tree diagrams.studying English in the university wasn't easy at all.

no matter the number of texts,poems,assignments and research you have to do to get your degree in English,never forget to give it your best shot!

Charizard said...

Yeah thanx for stoppin by @ ma blog...I doubt that I will irk the fcuk (forgive ma yoruba) outta u...and its an honour to have ur comment on ma blog...

Charizard said...

Girl u got the aptest description for gettin laid in unilag!!!! In my mind It can't get more cliche than that...the whole motel ish...u dnt even need a motel, whhen the back seat is big enough...the whole ish pisses me off abt unilag mayn...*psschew*

יש (Yosh) said...

If I'm gonna write your Mag-show, after I'd seen your response to your 'fans', I'd just come up with different vague issues, xters and scenarios just for the laughs...cos your responses are killer-ish! :D

Ms. Catwalq said...

1. u r not even well...

2. toastless titi: no worries, when they start. u sill be tired
murderer: ehn, people are dying after talking to you. you are asking why? me, I amnot talking to you
Tube & Tyre: Girl it is called a gym. And also a crunch. Try both. Nonsense. wasting my morning!!!
Never gbenshed: take your salary and pay someone to help you out joo. we have professionals in that line.
Slut: omo, there is nothing u can do.

Naapali said...

dey cant take your queen of kolo crown from you! I heard you were ill, I hope u are doing better.

Simi Speaks said...

as always, i have a wide grin!

Happy bday!!!

princesa said...

Where are you babes?
We need to go see that psychiatrist at Yaba mental hospital sharp sharp!
LOL! Just kidding but you know are just one hell of a rib cracker!

Never change laide, just keep being you!

wellsbaba said...

xskoolnerd jst had2come u killed d comment on d MFM prayers,ebi lyk sey ur popsie naw MFM

exschoolnerd said...

@omotayo...lounge ni kan kan..broke as hell...come and take me out naw????!!!!

@36inches...r u serious...okay now! ill let u know wen i can come.

@ice queen..ill see what i cn do

@wavemasta...y u no go like dat part..

@bolaji..which bday bash??? meanwhle am expectng sumthng o! wahala sweets...u can save it till wen u come back...and on the birthday tip ul forever be tryna catch up *stix out tongue*

@darkelcee and Pink satin, for stopping by.

@musco..ur welcome my brother.

@omohemi...theres nothing u can do oh...ive met her before...she is better insane than anything else o!!!

@wellsbaba..gerraway u! yeye dey worry u..publicity ko publicity ni...dnt worry na me and u for this blogville...mke u no get me nething...

@olu...he be like sey u dey do the get laid in a day thing gaan....hmmm!! meanwhile i no i hvnt replied ur binu..i will reply..we shud least we dey for the same school. i didnt! see ur head u cnt holler a pesin shey?

@incognajia...i learnt from my sec shl guidance counsellors oh...they'll first abuse u and give u yeye advice.

@Mzdee...u chop small craze sha...happy in advance sweets!!

@sasuke..thnx for stpping by..appreciate it.

@musco...check ur blog for a reply.

@yosh..oga hw far..long long time..uve been missed o! hw u dey

@ catwalq..u get one kain evil mouth and tyre! if we used to hang out we'd just be insulting people left ryt n center... did u knw i was getting scared oh! cause only a few people knew i was..neways thnx dear for checking up on me.rili appreciate fne now!! hope u r doing okay too.

@damilare...i dnt want ur gift!

@simi speaks..happy to have made u smile.

@princesa...fine gurl..thnx for the comment...ill try to!!! hope u r gud..have a lovely weekend.

Anonymous said...

i hve blog missed you Soooo much.. funny as EVER... god i wan laf cry... i swear this babe... u are MAD... lol...

Afrobabe said...

you don kolo finish....but...

Happy birthday sweet heart....I pray all your dreams come true, especially Adekanye West!!!

theicequeen said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! mwah mwah..soz that theres verry little i can do present-wise on, but wish you many more happy years filled wiv God's blessssssingz!

Anu boy said...

hey baby, werin de happen sef, hope ou got the pink shuffule, finally

Sha said...

u gimme jokes.

so ure a fellow arian.. awww happy belated birthday..

exschoolnerd said...

thnx for the birthday wishes...

@ anu.ur a cow!

eFJay said...

Laide u knw what? whn i move back home, me and u know need to start a radio show 2gether!

'ef babe'

se u saw my bday message

exschoolnerd said...

@efjay..i saw it sweets..thnx appreciate it..

about the radio wahala!!!

hws mr man?

exschoolnerd said...