Monday, 17 March 2008
Phone conversation with my boo!
Browsing yesterday I saw something about my baby, it got me so furious that I just had to call him to verify! I was mad! Fuming! Praying it wasn’t true..here’s our phone conversation…and this is not a joke! For real! Am not kiddin!!!
Laide: Oluwa kanye Adewest!
Kanye west: Yes baby!
Laide: Do not baby me, ma baby me ra ra ra ra just answer me did you or didn’t u?
Kanye west: what is the problem now? Did I or didn’t I what?
Laide: What is the problem? I will tell you what the problem is…Did you or did you not secretly get hitched to anorexic…abi wetin be that im name again
Laide: I don’t give a damn what her name is!
Kanye: baby lemme explain!
Laide: Explain what! What do you want to explain? Did u or did u not marry her in Paris?
Kanye: Baby u see ehn, it was my publicist, he told me that marrying her would be a good move, I can’t remember his reason but I am sure it was a very good one.
Laide: Ah! (Shakes head twice) O ma n se bi ode at times….so you don’t have a mind of your own ni, is it ur publicist that would come and save you when anorexic starts sucking your blood.
Laide: if u correct me again. mo le gba oju e
Kanye: Look baby its only temporary!
Laide: You marry person u tell me sey na temporary…u keep me for naija dey put me on “is coming” ….dem tell you sey me I no wan go movie preview…abi na dat opelenge only sabi wear Monique lhullier and bagdley mischka…
Kanye: Ah laaaaaide!!! U be original long throat!
Laide: leave that one jare….abi make I no go do holiday for Bahamas
Kanye: But baby ur in school in Africa now!
Laide: Wait wetin u call am? Africa! I am in Nigeria, where u are originally from and are there not schools there? Abeg leave story for bouncing baby.I deserve it more than her and you know it, who helped you get out of naija, who was stealing her mother’s gold so you could purchase a ticket….no make I curse u oh….who went to meet that baba so that you can be signed to rocafella…who?! Tell me now! And also made you and instant success? Who o! When you had that accident, who sent you that cream that baba made for you?
Kanye: stop shouting now!
Laide: I haven’t started shouting oh! When I start the traditional shouting na then u go know
Kanye: Ah laide!
Laide: Stay there, by the time I go meet one baba and u find urself back for moshalashi dey sell hot tea and risky burger na den u go know sey I am not to be messed with.
Kanye: Ah! mo da ran
Laide: when last did we see, when you came to Nigeria…I was supposed to spend an hour with you but ended up spending less than 20minutes after that your bodyguard harassed me poured away the nkwobi I brought for you saying you don’t eat such! No be you even tell me sey make I bring am,…Imagine 1,500 naira nkwobi..i just look am sey I no blame am if dem no carry generations before am from Africa no be NURTW he go dey work las las…idiyoot! I hope u have fired him like u promised.
Kanye: I have baby! I have!
Laide: Kanye I will show you pepper!
Kanye: Ah! olaide mi….ide mi…you shouldn’t talk like that…it hasn’t reached that if you know the way wey I take miss u ehn…yeah knahmean! Das what am talking bout….ama holla achu la-ah boo
Laide: Kanye! Oti ya wereh ni? Ta lo knahmean fun?
Kanye: Ma binu jare I dey HOVA house he just pass now make e no hear me dey talk broken…baby! When I’ve made enough money ill fake my death and ill come to Nigeria and build a nice little house in quiet Ibadan when we can live happily ever after.
Laide: Story! E be laik sey I have to do something drastic for you to know that I am not playing around sha….if I don’t hear by next week that u filled for a divorce from anorexia….i will mail TMZ, E news…..US weekly…a picture of ur truck pusher days and the family you left in ijebu igbo….idiyoot! they claim chi-town! Loius vuitton don oshi!
Kanye: Laide you wouldn’t dare!
Laide: Kanye do you know how many unilag bois I have turned down because of you! Fine ones at that…prospects!! on top sey I get one boyfriend for obodoyinbo..shame dey even catch me make i mention your name..because na so so laff laff go follow after…Nobody believes me they think I am just lying..so don’t tell me I wouldn’t dare…
Kanye: Ah laide mi! e ma se be!
Laide: before you traveled what did you say? You would go to school get a job and come back and marry me
Kanye: But baby I didn’t know I was going to be this famous, some of us can’t help but be blessed.
Laide: who bless you? u famous o! u no famous o! e no consain me…u reach dere…mumu…one yellow tolo tolo shake im yansh for you, u forget me wey help u reach dere sef.
Kanye: baby! I didn’t forget u don’t u know that song with pharell- Number 1...it’s about you my sweetie pie.
Laide: Oh did you tell her d same thing too? Kanye am too old for all this nonsense…u need to come correct and prove that I mean something to you or else it won’t be pretty!!!
(Female voice in the background)
Voice: Kanye who are you talking to? HOV needs you for a minute! He needs your opinion on something.
Kanye: Okay ill be there! Babe lemme put u on hold for 2 minutes ill be back..
Laide: Better don’t keep me waiting, HOV was not rubbing mosquito repellant on your back in mushin for u…
Kanye: I’ve heard! U sha!!!
(Puts phone on hold)
Female voice: Bitch! I know its you who’s disturbing my man! Why don’t you just give it a rest and quit acting so desperate. He’s married now
Laide: Who’s this?
Alexis: His wife Alexis.
Laide: Ah! ashawo! Finally we meet..Don’t worry next week he’ll be giving your ass divorce papers to sign, I know him better than you do and I know how to make him do what I want.
Alexis: Yeah that’s why he married me right? U should see the humungous diamond on this ring and the lavish wedding we had…just leave us alone and stop calling my man. Have some pride will you?
Laide: Your man! Did I hear you correct!
Alexis: did I stutter? Yes ma man…
Laide: look bitch am in Nigeria, I am African and you know what we do to your type, you gold digging whorish types, you don’t want to mess with me bitch! Oh no you do not!
Alexis: Leave that thing! I be naija girl too! Any thing you bring I go counter am.