Monday, 19 May 2008

Coming out of the closet

My chin hurt from smiling, as I chopped the okro gently all I could think about was how disgusted I was with myself. For how long would I continue to live this lie, this charade.


I glance at my mother wondering what she would think of m if she knew I wasn’t what I pretended to be. Should I tell her and finally be rid of this burden, this secret that haunts me many a night. This was me and if she really loved me she would accept me the way I am. I know it is going to be a very hard pill to swallow, but she’s gonna swallow it alright. It wasn’t my fault I was born like this, I have only just realized it. For so long I have been pretending now was the time to finally come out of the closet.

Laide: Mummy!

Mummy: Yes laide!

Laide: Mummy! I don’t even like cooking sef.

Mummy: Leave this minute! I can’t even look at you.

Laide: But mummy!

Mummy: I said leave!


Okay she didn’t add that last bit about me leaving…but the look of horror on her face was frightening, an awkward silence ensued. You would think I told her I was gay or I was into transvestite midgets.I felt bad and tried to say something to ease the tension.

Laide: it’s not that I hate cooking or anything, you know, if we had one of those massive kitchen’s on MTV cribs with a TV and all I just might like cooking…all hope isn’t lost.

Mummy: (Without once looking at me) Oniranu! If you hate it, you hate it she said with a tinge of disappointment in her voice.

More awkward silence.

I actually think if I old her I was into transvestite midgets she’s have taken it better.

Just disown me now and get it over with, will u?

She became really snappy afterwards and when I asked her what to put in the soup she shouted at me and gave me that look- oh it was a horrible look.

Take a chill pill mumzilla.

I men this is hard for me too, I feel bad enough that I am not the girl she wants me to be, I mean I can cook but I just don’t enjoy it,I know I am supposed to because I am a GIRL, I don’t know ugwu leaf from poison ivy, I mean I say stuff like “Chicken omi-eran” (Chicken meat water), I have to be true to myself. I thought about telling her I didn’t even like baking but that would be too much for one night, her blood pressure was high enough.

I felt sort of relieved you know, I could finally take off those cookery books off my window sill and probably burn them, and quit acting like I am interested in being in the kitchen when I’d rather be on the couch watching Grey’s anatomy or a Man.u match but most especially I can quit pretending I like watching BBC food…

24 comments:

AlooFar said...

Laide!

You got me laffing my bele dey pain me.

SCOMISS said...

na wa o....poor woman...u should have just left her in peace

AN IBO DUDE'S CORNER said...

Wo, better go and start liking how to cook ooo....except your husband plans on hiring maid to be cooking for him

...you know what they say: the secret to a mans heart is thru his stomach

but ur momsy sef...she harsh o

ibiluv said...

i hate cooking too....but since no one has died yet and mum has also grudginly accepted i can make a mean gbure oboro soup....i can hate it all i want as long as i deliver when i should......dont worry...ur mum will grudgingly accept too......*wink*

Dylan said...

haha ! laide ! is that really the story? you can come out of this closet as many times as you like !

come on ! spill the beans ... what sordid deed are you into ?

Akshay said...

Interesting Post!! My sister knows nothing about cooking...ok ... may be instant noodles...My mom is always like...."what is she gonna do when she gets married"

musco said...

wn't agree with u on this 1.why won't a girl know how to cook?

u shldn't even ve told ur mum about ur hatred 4 cooking.telling her u re not intrested in cooking wld ve bn like telling her u lost ur virginity b4 marriage.

Mz. Dee said...

I totali get wat ure sayin!!
I can cook but i dont lyk doin it.. i get bored halfway and i h8 eatin the food i cook cos it just seemaz lyk ive done so much hardwork and i all i wna do is sleep..lol

I'm readin the commentz and everythin and I dont agree with sum stuff.. there's nuthin wrong with hatin cookin..as long as u know how to do it and probably do it well. I alwayz think its kind of sterotypin wen ppl say a girl must like cookin..she shud knw how to.. dsnt necessarily mean she mst love it!

eFJay said...

awww...i love bbc food! I love the Food channel, i love cook books, i love cooking, i love baking, i love kitchens(nice spacious ones)!!!

Hw r u? and hpe 'mummy' has recovered 4rm the shocker.

'ef babe'

eFJay said...

@ musco
I think everyone is allowed not to like somethings! Just cos she is a girl does not mean she is born 4 the kitchen, and telling her mum she doesnt like cooking certainly shouldnt be compared to telling her mum she lost her virginity before marriage in my opinion.

'ef babe'

musco said...

@efjay
i think u got my comment all wrong.i was just trying to say the timing 4 telling her mum she didn't like cooking was wrong.picture d scenario again-d mum is in d kitchen preparing dinner or lunch.she's needing all d help she can get & then suddenly or out of d blues,d daughter she's counting on 4 help to get dinner or lunch ready suddenly says she doesn't like cooking...

maybe i shldn't ve compared it to dat.i'm tendering an apology!

thanks 'ef babe'.

Aphrodite said...

First time here.
Am so hooked to this blog from now on.
Will read ur previous posts.

teediva said...

i hate cooking. my mama knows it, i never hid the fact.

NigerianDramaQueen said...

When I read the first few lines, I thought you were going to say you were gay or something. I was ROTFLMAO when I saw you were talking about cooking. Ur tewwww much!!!Im never dissappointed when I read your blog

bumight said...

the fact that you're a girl doesnt mean you have to like cooking. For those that can cook, not all of them like it. heck! even those caterers some of them dont like cooking.
This is just taking the stereotype thing too far.

larrahromire said...

girl i found a partner...i totally hate entering the kitchen and my mum always talk too much about it...i don't see anything wrong in it...

classybabe said...

I don't like cooking myself but when you tell people that, they give you this look of disappointment like you have failed womanhood.I now keep it to myself...

Baroque said...

truth is, you dont have to love cooking, what's important is that you know how to and well too...its like school, some of us hated it but had to be in it & believe me, i was not bad at it, at all...if you dont do it well, like in afrobabe's rules®s #11, you shall have your car changed, an awful lot...so do you feel like you're outta the closet?

SOLOMONSYDELLE said...

hahahaha.

Too funny!

D said...

I personally dont like cooking either, in fact the only things i "like" (and i use that word loosely) in the kitchen are the fridge and the microwave, needless to say this drives my mum crazy...one day she got angry and roared at me "Dont you know the woman's place is in the kitchen?" I quietly retorted "we left that behind ages ago for the board room.." She replied with a slap.

olu said...

Well plotted."Transvestite midgets". Fucking funny.

exschoolnerd said...

@aloofar..abeg o make e no pain u too much...hw u dey?

@scomiss...mba i had to come out with it...i was tired...

@an ibo dude and musco...its not that i dnt know hw to cook.,..i do..just dont love doing it.

@ibluv,mz dee,teediva,larrah,classybabe....hmm my partners in cookery hating...now i dont feel to bad...yall get me right..i mean i just dont get a kick out of it...ive tried to like it..but i can't am sorry....

@efjay..hw did i know ud be one of those cooking addicts...mchew! see ur head....hw r ur exams? finished yet?

@aphrodite...thnx for readin and yeah do read other entries....

@Nigeriandramaqueen...love ur blog too sweetie..its always a delight to read.

@baroque...yeah exactly i just h8 it..m allowed to hate sumthing aint i...bt i can do it if i have to....

@solomon..hmmm i wish my mum found it as funny ss u did o!

@olu....you!!!!

@ d...r u for real..she slapped u..pele....chei...hope it wasnt too hard o!

eFJay said...

LMAO @ d's comment! Sorry o!

I hvnt finished exams o...

Afrobabe said...

lmao...yes oh...I actually love cooking to impress...

But if you dont like it ...you dont like it..

Now we have to find you a man we can convince to eat from sweet sensation...