Sunday, 25 May 2008

Why can't i just buy a boyfriend?

“Are you she-si or ma-yu?”

Those were the words uttered by someone me and my friend have come to know as “sharming pwince” at 1:00am in the morning…the day after the UEFA Champions league finals in which Man.u won!!! Saweet victory. i digress!

“Did you wash the ball?” he asked?

“Are you sher-si or ma-yu” (Chelsea or man.u)

At friggin 1:00 am in the morning…abi dis one don crase.

I’ve told odunayo that’s she’s not my friend as long as she continues to entertain such such…..don’t even know what to call it. He got her number from someone and she aint seen him yet but he’s in love with her and thinks she’s an “hangel”…he asked her…what did u store my name as on your fone….she said what did you tell me you name was…isn’t it Demola.

“No it replied (the it is intentional) store it as “sharmin pwince”…so there you go…we call him sharmin pwince and all others of his kind.

I am tired of “Sharmin pwinces” approaching me,and a lot have been approaching me lately….

I haven’t been in a relationship for a while, and part of me doesn’t want to be in one cause of the whole sex issue and part of me would really like to meet someone but its hard cause I don’t come by people I really dig that often…there are some I dig now…but our friendship is too precious for me to spoil…

Why isn’t there a market where we can just go and buy a boyfriend, and ensure he comes with all those specifics, like we always look for in cars, if there was a boyfriend shop I definitely know what I would be looking for. We all know the basic things we all want someone caring, loving, trustworthy, God-fearing…all that good stuff….but these are some other specific features that “LAIDE’S POTENTIAL BOO 2008 model” has gotta have.

Speaks good English…Now I know English is not our mother tongue but if we choose to speak it we should at least speak it well. Is it too much to ask. I mean to meet someone who doesn’t make blunders like “I want to know you more better” “Pls reply me back” or “ I can hear the smelling”…..i mean common! This is the biggest turn off for me, I don’t care if you schooled at Harvard if you can’t put together a sensible sentence free of grammatical errors…it just ain’t happening. Even if you are Tyson beckford, with lebron james money….i am sorry.I don’t need that headache of trying to decipher what you are saying…it would run me mad….and ill have to go through the arduous task of thinking up a way to kill you. Thats how much I hate blunders.


I just want a dude that possesses intellectual ability and transcendent common sense…ok put that dictionary down before you hurt yourself…that’s just big grammar basically FOR someone who has got some sense. I want someone who I can learn from everyday, who’s like a fountain of knowledge just overflowing into me, who knows things I do not and is well read. Smart but fun, not in a geeky way but more like Tony stark in Iron man. He can play teacher and I will be his ever listening student…and he can spank me whenever….okay this is turning perverted…

That’s has a knowledge and love of the arts…cause I do so it’d be good to have someone who I can relate with and talk about the same kinds of things and appreciates the things I love…

Sense of humour/craziness/witty....I mean hyper, extroverted, people person who just know how to make people laugh,the life of the party and doesn’t take things too seriously. Like someone I met recently. But he has a girlfriend, me and my friend still talk about the crazy things he did or said…we just remember and I’ll be like “Can u remember the time when T was like…and we’ll giggle…I think we both secretly like him. …
Someone who has brain touch, that acts like wire is sparking inside his body….cause I am introverted, it would be a nice complement…crazy like dbanj….but less vulgar and without too many names for his private part and without too many girls who want to taste his koko.

That dresses well! My ex boyfriend Kanye West was a winner in this category..the bobo dress shege!..i mean you don’t have to buy the designer duds just look put together whenever and do not I repeat..do not fly your collar like a friggin retard. Someone who doesn’t follow the bandwagon when it comes to dressing does his own thing.Doesnt follow fashion rules, makes fashion statements.

Looking for a guy who doesn’t like sex is harder than Jason and the Argonauts search for the Golden Fleece, so I’d just say someone who is maybe a lot more patient and understanding when it comes to that…and who understands that NO means NO…cause some guys need their cheeks boxed a couple of times and their features redesigned before they can properly assess the word NO!..Sometimes No doesn’t mean YES. Just because I am your girlfriend doesn’t mean I have become your property so when you say open sesime….the doors to the cave musto open….if not you’ll pry it open.


Must be ambitious and have potential….if you are smart and sitting on your mothers couch at 30….thats just pretty stupid….i want to see that drive, that passion to get up and do something and that urge to strive and get to the next level, it will sort of inspire me too….there are some people that might not have everything now, he might not have the car or the flashy crib….. but you look at them and say this person knows where he’s going and the way he’s going at it, he just might get there….he has potential and that’s good enough for me.


Thinks I am the best thing since “Girls of the playboy mansion




As per looks, notice how it’s the last thing I listed..that’s because it’s like the least important….now hold on….that doesn’t mean that you should carry face like prey-mantis and come and meet me o! pls o! Don’t say laide but you said you don’t care about looks..i said you don’t have to be a 10…you could be a 4 or 5…not a -6….you don’t have to be the finest of persons. You just have to take care of yourself properly and have all the other qualities listed above.

And when he acts up you just take him back to the store

“Eh I think there r some screws loose in his head, I had to uh slap him upside his head when I caught him staring at my friends ass….could u like tighten it a lil harder”

“Is there any chance that this can be sewed back on, I don’t care if it ever works properly… I chopped it off…when he cudnt understand that no was no”



You know that kinda thing…aww!! If only wishes were horses…beggars would have a jolly ol’ ride.

33 comments:

olu said...

So you are a Man U fan! *gives computer a look filled with hatred* I'm Chelsea like that.

"She-si or ma-yu". Arrgh!! That's crass.

Where you go see that kind guy. I think you should an ad in a newspaper... maybe you might be lucky. Hahaha! *laughing too hard*

zara said...

she-si or ma-yu?? lol mad funny!

the kinda guy u described is the kinda guy most girls want but we always have to settle for less..sigh...

btw.. just so u know.. man u sucks! arsenal rocks! lol

Naapali said...

That dude sits next to you in class and u probably don't know. His papa is nobody but he has read all the scanty books in the library. He has a plan for the future but right now he is a hungry looking Akokite who can't ask any girl out because they tell him he doesn't have what they are looking for.

princesa said...

Laide love, i don miss you well jare!

Am with you too.
If only guys could be ordered to specification...

LOl!wishful thinking. We have to manage them like dat. Am sure they wished babes were ordered to spec too.

AN IBO DUDE'S CORNER said...

well, the last sentence said it all - "if wishes were horses..."

Wo, abeg hold the one wey come ur side jare (but not sharming pwince ooo). man no die , man no rotten

Anthony Arojojoye said...

Wake up & smell the coffee honey.
This ain't no Mills & Boons.

Welcome to reality, where the perfect ones aren't yet born.
If he's perfect, that cos u haven't known him that well.
Ain't it a perfect world?

olu said...

or better still order a robot from Japan that meets your specifications. LOL

musco said...

there's always a perfect match for everybody.all u ve to do is to wait 4 him!

badderchic said...

I know where to go to buy a perfect boyfriend...dreamland babe! the only problem will be bringing him back to real life. lol

Aphrodite said...

The boyfriend Shop.

Buy one get two free,lol...

My dear, i wish.

Afrobabe said...

you know the one comment I always make when I come acroos guys with wrong tenses and pronounciations???

If my mum could bring up my brothers the way she did, why couldn't other mums do it????

KemiMamaLopes said...

I don't think your description is of a perfect man like some do. I think it's pretty normal so here's to hope that springs eternal.

He will be found and probably in the most unlikely place. I found mine when I was 3 years old. Did not know it till I was almost 30!

Sha said...

LMAOOOOOO D mofo just murdered d name of the BESTEST team in d whole world... CHELSEA! UP BLUEEEEEES!
But on d realz ppl shud stick to their 'type'.. mister razz shud find miss razz, the world would be a berra place.

stuck in my throat o said...

Mayu or she si..you are way too funny...
U need to go give Princess a run for her money..
Just in case, you find where we can buy boyfriends, please by all means, HOLLER

seun said...

ssup, just lerring u know i still read ur blogs..nice one, i wish i had my babe on a leash like a dog, better still, i wish she had a remote control.........lol, if wishes are horses shey.

eFJay said...

Laide! Hi dnt like man-u! Hissss!!!

I feel ur pain sweetie! I know how many frogs i had to kiss in my this my small life before i met 'jaybaba'.
It sure is hard, and it'd take a while but it'd happen.
And i guess not wanting to shag ur life out doesnt help, tell me about it! I dnt why it so difficult to understand for some people!

'Ef babe'

exschoolnerd said...

@all.....kemimalopes thnk you very much oh...i mean ive been readin all the comments and everybody's like i am looking for the PERFECT guy..whats perfect about my description...wo! if ur boyfriend doesnt hv all ive listed better return him oh..i didt even list anything sef..u can say am looking for perfect when i am looking for a tall,dark handsome man who has money and will be faithful and is without faults...which i know is no possible because we all ave our scoin scoin!!!

exschoolnerd said...

@all.....kemimalopes thnk you very much oh...i mean ive been readin all the comments and everybody's like i am looking for the PERFECT guy..whats perfect about my description...wo! if ur boyfriend doesnt hv all ive listed better return him oh..i didt even list anything sef..u can say am looking for perfect when i am looking for a tall,dark handsome man who has money and will be faithful and is without faults...which i know is no possible because we all ave our scoin scoin!!!

eFJay said...

I dnt go to ctc o! i knw a few people that did though.

'ef babe'

lola said...

I think the guy you described is attainable. It just might take some time. However, since you're a stickler for grammar, you might want to check out what you write: "Come on" and not "common".

We all make mistakes, but if you shouldn't ask for certain standards if you don't meet them yourself!

lola said...

Talking about mistakes...

We all make mistakes, but you shouldn't ask for certain standards if you don't meet them yourself!

wellsbaba said...

so u b ma-yu fan....u con dey beef ma she-si?well done....lol....nice post,nice post but I must say ur writing invitation letter to alot of swarming pwinceses...lol

bumight said...

I think your specs are attainable but very rare.
you can find a man who speaks good english, is well read, and has a knowledge of the arts, bu is an ARSE in everythin else!

or the one that has potential, is fine, well read, but cannot dress to save his life

or maybe one that fits all ur specs but his lists of negatives far outweigh the positives.

that being said: i can NEVER compromise for a guy that has the "h" or "l" factor!

theicequeen said...

kabisa! end of discussion.youve said it all!

lmao, youre crackin me up serrriously here oh!all them sharmin pwinces..i cannot stand, because i keep imagining how it will be if certian people see me talkin to them and come over to be introduced and hear "elo, mai nem ees shukuemeka" taaaaa..and then theres the issue of the dissssssapointed look my papa go give me if i carry dat type go hous..kai!

oh and im she-si oh..just here, nursing my heartbreak..

Ps.Olu, Sha, and Wellsbaba..if una know how i wan bearhug una eh! blues fo lyf abiii!?

exschoolnerd said...

@ lola.. i type this stuff off the cuff...i dnt have unlimited internet acess like certain people...so i rarely do a spellcheck.i apologise for that..i speak english quite good and i am not from another planet so they should also be able to do the same...

@icequeen,wellsbaba....boo hoo! maybe next season

@bumight..feel u on the h factor...its very annoying.

Ayodele said...

babes u r terrible!!! she-si or ma-yu!! ki ni gbogbo shit yen!!!

oya come, ua nd i, lets start this business of seling men na, we will make money i promise u!! lots of ppl interested already. lol

Baroque said...

my dear, I wash the ball oh, ma-yu win sher-sea for penarity?the day hi see you hanging out with such people, me & you don hend?sharmin pwince my foot?

you sexy nerd?for all you know I'm abit fussier about grammar than you & I look almost better than Tyson Beckford?babe, if you want me to teach you,don't make me spank you ok? I love the arts?sense of humour,crazy,witty,extroverted, I dey get incessant brain touches & the only name for my prick is PRICK?I no baf reach Kanye but I dey try small,pardon me I go fly my collar sometimes, but I'll definitely make another fashion statement?now, see where wahala go dey, me I like fuck die but I know when NO is NO, because sometimes NO fit no be NO?I gat potential (sometimes over ambition dey kill me sef), i'm good enough for you & I look good 7.8 (me being modest)?

exschoolnerd said...

@BAROQUE will u marry me? i promise i'll like sex when we are married.....

..HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA..ur comment cracked me up...hmmm..ur perfect oh..only the sex wahala...hmm what can i do now...what oh....chei....this is what i dnt like..find the right person and there's one comma..why do u like sex now? biko? havnet u had enough to last you for three different lifes...

Black Man Comes said...

a man who doesnt like sex? u mean with a woman or not interested in it? the first one would be gay, the other abami eda. either way not going to happen, all men want sex even if it is with another man, but i suppoose u mean one without sex on his mind. either way, not going to happen. the guy u descirbed is made up of many men so if u are into polyhandry or whatever they call a woman with many bf, u got it nall worked out. but then find someone chisel him as he chisels u and then u are good for each other.

Sting said...

I bet there are tons of girls wishing there was a boyfriend market.

The bad english thing gets to me, and i can't see myself taking anyone who talks like that serious.

AS for not liking sex, i wonder why. I bet you would like it if u had it with someone who knew what he was doing and if maybe u RELAXED. I'm just saying.

Naija Invisible babe said...

Girl-i really feel you...our wish just cant come to pass...we always have to make do with the ones we have and they have this dumb notion in their head that they are god-sent...such is life

Zephi Fahrenheit said...

omg..cant believe I have not been here in awhile..you always have my ribs hurting...and baroque is just a nut case I swear....lmao

pinkyandbrain said...

@sting..thanks for the sex advice there.I feel you got your self completely figured out..kudos..e no easy though in this insane world where we have to rely on humour to wade thru.
=================================
Look....we all have shortcomings,its so funny that you fail to realise the the complete quintessential guy also longs for the same qualities in the opposite sex and am sure not all of you babes are desirable not to talk of the scoin scoin we guys have to put up with.

As regarding the sex,we are the charger hence we have to make the move..just too bad that most guys cant process the 'NO'word into the valid or invalid status...and of coz when you girls are so marinated and need some mauling you keep mute and expect us to telepathically decipher it.we aint psychic but just ordinary as humans are,communicate!communicate!!communicate!!! is the key ,no be una dey read Cosmo pass!...am so sorry but this is a trait i notice with most of our nige babes except for the real liberal and open-minded ones.

In conclusion,you cant buy a complete BF you can only make yourself complete......'naijafineboy' i recalled had this issue highlighted with our sistas as well....we do want to tie the knot also @ d end afterall wanting the best is both sexes wish.