Monday, 16 June 2008

Since the last time i blogged...


LAIDE GOES TO "AA"




Hi my name is laide, and I am a learner….

So I’ve started driving lessons at AA, no not Alcoholic’s anonymous people, although they do seem a tad bit drunk cause if not they wouldn’t give me my first friggin driving lessons on friggin third mainland bridge, I have a third mainland bridge phobia for crissakes..but no! no! he wouldn’t hear….

This man parked the car and said oya come down and drive…
Say what say what? I thought I heard wrong until he stepped out of the car….

Abi dem swear for this man, come and drive were Third mainland bridge, eh…whoever sent you tell them you did not see me, me wey never drive before…
Look Laide don’t let us quarrel o! don’t let us quarrel I say come and take this steering and lets be going…you know the basics that should do, the car only does what you tell it to do and I have put you through it all..so come and enter now!

Man yi! U no dey hear I haven’t driven anywhere before….Third mainland bridge bawo…u like urself so….are u okay? Abi na today u plan to kill urself… pls let ur head be correct.

Anyways so I’ve driven on third mainland bridge five times now, all the way to lagos and all..my driving instructor-Mr Henry is a character..when he starts ehn….

..ooooooh…laide!!! .press the accelerator..press press I say press did I say release,presssssssssss o!!!..release release….indicate to the left…I say indicate you are putting on wiper…..you don’t have any business looking elsewhere face your front, face your front….match your clutch…gear 3….i said gear 3..is that gear 3…I said gear 3,listen listen you are not listening…..brake brake!!!!..dont mind that suya crossing the road….plus the man can like to tabon eh….

And why does everybody have something to say about learners, shut ur mouth and drive away you don’t have to state the obvious that am a leaner and all those stupid idiots selling stuff on the street that can’t mind their friggin business…I will never hate on a learner again I promise…

Gosh if mumcy finds out ehn I can’t tell her oh! She’ll start …..I don’t want to know..hell! he could have been sitting near you with the gear in btw his legs..i don’t give a damn…do you know that there are other forces, unseen to the human eye that are looking for such an opportunity….to to….all they have to do is fire one arrow and that’s the end of your enemy, are you mad? Gimme the name of that your driving instructor…what if he knows my sisters…and they are in cahoots….what if what if..whats his name again.
she’ll pulverise me and come to school and beat that instructor shitless…drag him out of that AA car…..are you the driving instructor that….*gbaow*……this is for not taking her to the driving range…*gbaow…this is for making her drive on third
mainland…. *gbaow*….this is just cause I can….*gbaow*

So I guess I’ll be mum(pun intended) about the whole issue for a while till am through.


WE GOT A DOG



So my family are huge dog lovers, once upon a time we had ten dogs I kid you not…but some died cause of old age others cause they got sick and all..so we just got a lil puppy..its a rottweiller….cute thing like this…you see I like dogs and all but I hear rotts are vicious when they grow…so I can like to pitch my tent now…and rub him and feed him so he’ll bond with me…because I can’t shout(literally and figuratively) a dog has torn out of my laps before, his name was rocky, I think he took his name to heart to much, yeye dog….i can’t let it happen again…so am bonding with our puppy and I have to do this cause I only get to see him during weekends….so everytime am like puppy puppy…oh yea so we were thinking of a name….and all my brothers could come up with his Shiloh?...i was like Shiloh ko, Moses ni….abeg jare….pupcy came up with osama and Taliban but I think he was joking….i suggested Chester the name of our former terrorist dog, also suggested Mr whiskers but my brothers said I wanted to turn the dog gay, Rambo was another name I liked…me brothers weren’t having none of it…someone suggested Wasiu….everybody hissed….and finally I came up with the perfect name, a name I knew nobody would reject, the name of all names, a hard name to live up to but am sure our lil rott would try his best….ROONEY!


So yeah we have a rott named ROONEY after the great WAYNE ROONEY.
All arsenal and Chelsea players…beware….if u r visiting u must be wearing a man.u jersey or else…ROONEY has been taught to cause serious bodily harm to yall…gbage! He only shows love to man.u peeps..To be forewarned is to be forearmed.


I MIGHT BE GETTING A LITTLE SISTER

No mumcy isn’t pregnant, how now! *tries hard to erase the mental picture in my head of mumcy and pupcy doing the dirty*…eww!! Eww!!! Eww!!

I was in the kitchen when my brother came to tell me one kain news like this, he couldn’t stop laughing while he told me. i would later come to understand why.

“Do you *laughs*…do you know *laughs*…do you know that *laughs* do you know that mumcy *laughs*

“What is it now! I shouted…

“Do you know that mumcy said she wants to adopt?”

“A human?” I inquired

“No a chicken, of course a human” he replied

“Are you sure she didn’t mean a dog, they adopt dogs don’t they?”

He gave me one weird look like….

It took me a while to wrap my head around what he just told me and I just started laughing…and ran to my other brother to confirm..

“Is it *laughs*…true that *laughs* is it true that *laughs*

Talk jo! He shouted….

Is it true that mumcy said she wants to adopt?

Yes he said smiling….and I just collapsed with laughter….a human I asked again…or a dog cause they adopt dogs don’t they….

“A little baby girl ode”

Sent me rolling on the floor again….whats up with the friggn brangelina connection lately, first of all dumb and dumber want to name the dog Shiloh and now mumcy wants to go all brangelina on our asses and adopt..she’s the last person I would think would want to adopt, not because she’s not a kind hearted, sweet, loving, caring, mother Theresa incarnate which she is and all ...except the mother Theresa bit…but ehn…anything that didn’t come out of her womb mumcy is suspicious of, me sef that even came out of her womb sometimes she’s suspicious of me…if the girl just starts acting one kain mumcy will conclude that maybe she is a witch…I haven’t asked her yet cause I am still laughing but I will pretty soon, pupcy doesn’t know about her plans and am sure he would say a big fat NO!...or maybe not who knows? Maybe I just might have a lil sister!!!


MEAT IN THE MOUTH MOMENT

A while back I went to eat at one of the popular places to eat in school, SUB, anyways I couldn’t get what I ordered for cause it wasn’t ready so I just got rice and meat….ate my rice oh and one of the meat and then put the last gbese of a meat in a mouth..you know does annoying type of meat you cant cut with your teeth cause they are all rubbery and all…see fight with meat in my mouth, and the meat was kinda big…chei which kain wahala be this…I cant swallow it except I wan die and I cant cut it with my teeth, the place was filled so using my hand was a no-no, chei which kain wahala oh..i looked in my bag for tissue but there was none, the serviette on the table was finished..i cant spit this thing back into my plate..that’d be disgusting….only thing to do was leave with the meat in my mouth and hope I didn’t meet any one I knew on the way…as I was leaving someone followed me, when I got outside he was like excuse me, I looked at him…cutie!. I smiled and wove,..i sha continued walking…excuse me em…can I talk to you….i look at him but don’t say a word…he must be thinking shey dis one na deaf and dumb…
You don’t want to answer me? I just wanted to talk to you and all didn’t mean to disturb….i continued walking…

Eru gbogbo nonsense le le I thought…I can’t reply him with this meat in my mouth and I don’t want to act like a snob…

Are you in hurry or something, I could drop you…

I shook my head…why aren’t you answering me? Is there something in ur mouth?

I pointed to my wrist watch and walked faster…

Okay bye…he said.

Ah when I got back to my hostel I spat out that meat with annoyance ehn stupid idiotic meat…when one oniranu is talking to me meat will not be in my mouth oh….

32 comments:

Zena said...

First,

and my first time here as well, woohhooo

lmao, ur a character I SWEAR,

lol, eyya. maybe you'll run into him again or something.
you for try shift the meat to one side sha, lol

my older brother wud absolutely love you, he has a rot name rooney as well, actually 2 rooney and rooneyJnr(don't ask me, he's mad)

I loved it

Mz. Dee said...

Arghhh!! Damn.. i shuda been firstt. wen i got here there were no comments oo. I just sed let me read b4 commentin.. zena welldone o! Lol

Lmao at "a human?". Wich kind of question is that??
Pele for the rubber meat... god will provide another cutiee.

Dogzzzz. I loveee dogz. I had 10 dogz at some point too.. Rooney.. perfect name my dear. Up Man Utd!!!

(Laide abeg remove dis verification thing! thx)

Sha said...

LMAOOOOOO
mister henry is a trip sha

olu said...

Wasiu?! Omo, you no go kill me oh!
The name Rooney is very apt for a rott. Yeah, I'm hating Man.U like that.

LOL at the meat saga.

This post is as funny as muthafucker.

How you dey?

Kaydee said...

Rambo!!!!!!!!! That's the name of our fav dog.Rooney will bring u several red cards,why not Ronaldo or Vidic?
So who's he?Y'knahamean?

musco said...

i luv ur driving instructor.u shld be thankful he's making/forcing u to have first-hand driving experience.

Pink-satin said...

laide u are FUNNY!ur dad sef funny...he wanted to name the dog taliban,your brother ,shiloh...lol

lol @ ur driving teacher!!

that eran(meat) na real gbese!
ur mom wan adpot...ur bro talk sey no chicken ni!yall are funny in ur house..lol!

Sting said...

Lord, u r funny. My sister's dog's name is shiloh. As for ur mom adopting, that doesn't seem like a bad idea.

Pink-satin said...

BLOGVILLE IDOL 08 is coming soon..please check my blog for more details

CaramelD said...

Please don't leave for so long again, I nearly entered withdrawal !! I couldn't laugh out in my office and I had to suppress it so now my eyes are watering!

theicequeen said...

lmao!! whats it wiv erryone doin drivin lessonz? i can sha drive oh, but im just perfectin..my lessons go sumin like...slow DOWN..match clutch, CLUTCH!! just let it roll..keep your LANE..common remove your leg from the accelerator! too FAST!!@ use your horn! :P

and thunda faya that meat that got in the way of you and cutie..od go send am your side again..:P..and too cute bout the lil sis oh..but make dem no carry ogbanje come your house oh!

Pink-satin said...

as to your question on my page concerning BLOGVILLE IDOL 08 yes bloggers i naija can participate(u can just record your song in anyway and attch in a mail to the producers)

Pls i was even gone to ask u for ur email addy!i need a favor

134ElitZ Magazine said...

LMAO!! very fuuny..loved it

bumight said...

lol @ "indicate to the left..."

my driving teacher (when I was in naija) was a perv!

u'll be surprised at ur mom if she finally adopts, she would be very lenient with the child. they all do.

archiwiz said...

LOL.... Hilarious... Your mumsy for beat d instructor for real? Chaii... and I can picture the suspicion you're talking about. My grandma is like that...



Ahhh... God forbid that meat ohh... you for cough am out and ask the cutie for water...make im feel like say im do big tin...Chaiii... O gel, u no know say God dey work for mysterious ways?

Obinwanne said...

meet in ur mouth" that was very funny.....a lil sister will be cool...wouldnt you like it?

InCogNaija said...

lmao!! your crazy self never ceases to crack me up everytime. LOL@ mumc beating up the driving teacher guy just cause she can.
I am thinking of getting a rott myself seeing as there is a ban on pittbulls where i live. do you have a rough idea of the cost of a rott pup?
anyways, its nice being back on your blog.

darkelcee said...

Where do i start from..... the adoption thingy, i think all parents look at adoption to curb boredom.

meat in the mouth..... lolllll i know the feeling. i once had gala in my mouth at work and a customer walked in. mennnnn, u need to see me as i was nodding like a lizard. ko funny rara.

theicequeen said...

awww...Roney is too cute!! too cute!

b said...

i think I had Mr Henry once...so i guess u are the dolphin AA....third mainland was my classroom, see me cruising!

As for the meat in ur mouth, - it just happens at the wrongest of times!

now the adoption thing got me laughing like mad!

as for the dog naming, at least u didnt name it Olu.....or Ade....something like some people (rolleyes!)

exschoolnerd said...

@zena...lol...twas too big jare..make i kon shift am make the meat mistakenly fall..tufiakwa..major error….thnx for stopping by.

@mz de..amin o! will try and remove it dear..the thing they annoy me too.

@sha...he is oh...the man also doubles as a pastor and motivational speaker

@olu..i dey jare..u don resume school? if u like make u dey run 4rm me this semester..ill treat ur fuck up.

@kaydee…amebo! Hw u dey?

@musco...thnk am...i dnt know yet o! till m tru with my lessons then ill know if hes worth thanking..of which hes saying i shud buy him an ipod to thank him.

@pink-satin...crazy set of human beings i live with i tell yer!expecting ur email..left my emil addy as a comemnt.

@sting...i dunno yet o...i dnt knw hw to take care of children, she still work so i dnt knw hw shez gon do it..bt hv a lil sister wont be bad.

@carameld...i promise i wont sweerie..glad to know someone misses my rantings.

@icequeen..abi o na the ogbanje thing i dey fear o!!!

@134elitz..thnx for stopping by..appreciate it.

@bumight..mine is a lil bit of a perv too oh...saying laide i for mind u oh..winking at me calling me baby..saying no matter how tall i am he can still do the do..am like worrafuck!

@archiwizz...lol..abi oh maybe i shud have done that..ayah too bad i didnt think of it..on second thots he cud have been so disgusting and just walked way..

@obinwanne..id nt knw what i feel about it oh...hw u dey?

@incogajia..long time..hw u dey..ill find out and get back to u.

@darkelcee..lol..i cn only imagine...lol....

@icequeen...thnk u thnk u dear..

@b...so u feel me on hw crazy it was driving on third mainland shey? ade ke? last name id think of to name a dog oh!

wellsbaba said...

concerning d drivin lesson thing n d gwao gwao punch thin...LOL...lol...u don finish me dis girl ...lol...
so u go buy rooney so we chelsea fans no go fit come greet u4house abi?nolongtin naw we go jam 4 road..lol
n concerning d meat thing...na lie!LAIDE U NO NEED LIE NAW...lol...im just imaginig it happenin..lol...pele...sh'o gbo?

Cyclone said...

Third Mainland?! Now thats a baptism of fire. But what doesn't make you piss your pants only makes you more fragrant. Driving aint easy O, but it all comes together in the end ;)

eFJay said...

ewww....i not only not like man u, i hate wayne rooney! hissss! LOL
Pele about ur meat incident o, eiya, fine boy just went to waste because of one stupid meat! hissss! LMAO!

ef babe

Afrobabe said...

ROFLMFAO....Haaaaaaaaaaaa Lade, you will not kill me oh...
I swear this was 3 posts i one...hahhaha

Dont even know what to comment on now..

lol...Mumcy wants to adopt...hahhahhahahah...get ready to be a lil sister...and babes abeg, next time you eat check the kind of meat it is first before you shove it into your mouth...hopefully you will meet cutie again and you guys can laugh over it...

Afrobabe said...

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, I just remembered omething else that made me laugh my ass off...WASIU!!! hahhahahaha

Today's ranting said...

babeeeeees u really funny ooo. You have a funny way of expressing yourself and I enjoyed your post. Sometimes all these yeye meat we eat in restaurants can put one into trouble and embarrasment. I remember one experience I had it was really painful. Lol!

princesa said...

Did u not hear u were tagged?? Check my blog and do urs asap!

No worry, we wont have the SBR at a 2k drinks place,lol!

Hope u good darl?

Anonymous said...

omo men...ur too funny..kai..this is my first time reading your blog and i have read everything from top to bottom.
I was cracking up so much that my friends thought i was mad...u are the next naija fine boy o..pls keep them coming...looking forward to the next post...don't wait for too long...

zara (my alter ego) said...

U'VE BEEN TAGGED! VIEW MY PAGE FOR THE RULES. its in caps just in case u dont see it.. hehe

Baroque said...

3posts in one, first of all, why dont i think that the dog in the pic is a rott? double check that puppy!...you never talk wetin you do your driving instructor, you don take bobi confooz the man LOL...you sure say ne bo 404 joint you enter? abi na elephant meat?

Anonymous said...

I see you have met the crazy Mr. Henry. I was doing 80km/hr on the bridge and he kept shouting at me "Step on the gas! Step on it!"...Person wey him hand never strong for car won speed to him death o.