Monday, 16 June 2008
Since the last time i blogged...
LAIDE GOES TO "AA"
Hi my name is laide, and I am a learner….
So I’ve started driving lessons at AA, no not Alcoholic’s anonymous people, although they do seem a tad bit drunk cause if not they wouldn’t give me my first friggin driving lessons on friggin third mainland bridge, I have a third mainland bridge phobia for crissakes..but no! no! he wouldn’t hear….
This man parked the car and said oya come down and drive…
Say what say what? I thought I heard wrong until he stepped out of the car….
Abi dem swear for this man, come and drive were Third mainland bridge, eh…whoever sent you tell them you did not see me, me wey never drive before…
Look Laide don’t let us quarrel o! don’t let us quarrel I say come and take this steering and lets be going…you know the basics that should do, the car only does what you tell it to do and I have put you through it all..so come and enter now!
Man yi! U no dey hear I haven’t driven anywhere before….Third mainland bridge bawo…u like urself so….are u okay? Abi na today u plan to kill urself… pls let ur head be correct.
Anyways so I’ve driven on third mainland bridge five times now, all the way to lagos and all..my driving instructor-Mr Henry is a character..when he starts ehn….
..ooooooh…laide!!! .press the accelerator..press press I say press did I say release,presssssssssss o!!!..release release….indicate to the left…I say indicate you are putting on wiper…..you don’t have any business looking elsewhere face your front, face your front….match your clutch…gear 3….i said gear 3..is that gear 3…I said gear 3,listen listen you are not listening…..brake brake!!!!..dont mind that suya crossing the road….plus the man can like to tabon eh….
And why does everybody have something to say about learners, shut ur mouth and drive away you don’t have to state the obvious that am a leaner and all those stupid idiots selling stuff on the street that can’t mind their friggin business…I will never hate on a learner again I promise…
Gosh if mumcy finds out ehn I can’t tell her oh! She’ll start …..I don’t want to know..hell! he could have been sitting near you with the gear in btw his legs..i don’t give a damn…do you know that there are other forces, unseen to the human eye that are looking for such an opportunity….to to….all they have to do is fire one arrow and that’s the end of your enemy, are you mad? Gimme the name of that your driving instructor…what if he knows my sisters…and they are in cahoots….what if what if..whats his name again.
she’ll pulverise me and come to school and beat that instructor shitless…drag him out of that AA car…..are you the driving instructor that….*gbaow*……this is for not taking her to the driving range…*gbaow…this is for making her drive on third
mainland…. *gbaow*….this is just cause I can….*gbaow*
So I guess I’ll be mum(pun intended) about the whole issue for a while till am through.
WE GOT A DOG
So my family are huge dog lovers, once upon a time we had ten dogs I kid you not…but some died cause of old age others cause they got sick and all..so we just got a lil puppy..its a rottweiller….cute thing like this…you see I like dogs and all but I hear rotts are vicious when they grow…so I can like to pitch my tent now…and rub him and feed him so he’ll bond with me…because I can’t shout(literally and figuratively) a dog has torn out of my laps before, his name was rocky, I think he took his name to heart to much, yeye dog….i can’t let it happen again…so am bonding with our puppy and I have to do this cause I only get to see him during weekends….so everytime am like puppy puppy…oh yea so we were thinking of a name….and all my brothers could come up with his Shiloh?...i was like Shiloh ko, Moses ni….abeg jare….pupcy came up with osama and Taliban but I think he was joking….i suggested Chester the name of our former terrorist dog, also suggested Mr whiskers but my brothers said I wanted to turn the dog gay, Rambo was another name I liked…me brothers weren’t having none of it…someone suggested Wasiu….everybody hissed….and finally I came up with the perfect name, a name I knew nobody would reject, the name of all names, a hard name to live up to but am sure our lil rott would try his best….ROONEY!
So yeah we have a rott named ROONEY after the great WAYNE ROONEY.
All arsenal and Chelsea players…beware….if u r visiting u must be wearing a man.u jersey or else…ROONEY has been taught to cause serious bodily harm to yall…gbage! He only shows love to man.u peeps..To be forewarned is to be forearmed.
I MIGHT BE GETTING A LITTLE SISTER
No mumcy isn’t pregnant, how now! *tries hard to erase the mental picture in my head of mumcy and pupcy doing the dirty*…eww!! Eww!!! Eww!!
I was in the kitchen when my brother came to tell me one kain news like this, he couldn’t stop laughing while he told me. i would later come to understand why.
“Do you *laughs*…do you know *laughs*…do you know that *laughs* do you know that mumcy *laughs*
“What is it now! I shouted…
“Do you know that mumcy said she wants to adopt?”
“A human?” I inquired
“No a chicken, of course a human” he replied
“Are you sure she didn’t mean a dog, they adopt dogs don’t they?”
He gave me one weird look like….
It took me a while to wrap my head around what he just told me and I just started laughing…and ran to my other brother to confirm..
“Is it *laughs*…true that *laughs* is it true that *laughs*
Talk jo! He shouted….
Is it true that mumcy said she wants to adopt?
Yes he said smiling….and I just collapsed with laughter….a human I asked again…or a dog cause they adopt dogs don’t they….
“A little baby girl ode”
Sent me rolling on the floor again….whats up with the friggn brangelina connection lately, first of all dumb and dumber want to name the dog Shiloh and now mumcy wants to go all brangelina on our asses and adopt..she’s the last person I would think would want to adopt, not because she’s not a kind hearted, sweet, loving, caring, mother Theresa incarnate which she is and all ...except the mother Theresa bit…but ehn…anything that didn’t come out of her womb mumcy is suspicious of, me sef that even came out of her womb sometimes she’s suspicious of me…if the girl just starts acting one kain mumcy will conclude that maybe she is a witch…I haven’t asked her yet cause I am still laughing but I will pretty soon, pupcy doesn’t know about her plans and am sure he would say a big fat NO!...or maybe not who knows? Maybe I just might have a lil sister!!!
MEAT IN THE MOUTH MOMENT
A while back I went to eat at one of the popular places to eat in school, SUB, anyways I couldn’t get what I ordered for cause it wasn’t ready so I just got rice and meat….ate my rice oh and one of the meat and then put the last gbese of a meat in a mouth..you know does annoying type of meat you cant cut with your teeth cause they are all rubbery and all…see fight with meat in my mouth, and the meat was kinda big…chei which kain wahala be this…I cant swallow it except I wan die and I cant cut it with my teeth, the place was filled so using my hand was a no-no, chei which kain wahala oh..i looked in my bag for tissue but there was none, the serviette on the table was finished..i cant spit this thing back into my plate..that’d be disgusting….only thing to do was leave with the meat in my mouth and hope I didn’t meet any one I knew on the way…as I was leaving someone followed me, when I got outside he was like excuse me, I looked at him…cutie!. I smiled and wove,..i sha continued walking…excuse me em…can I talk to you….i look at him but don’t say a word…he must be thinking shey dis one na deaf and dumb…
You don’t want to answer me? I just wanted to talk to you and all didn’t mean to disturb….i continued walking…
Eru gbogbo nonsense le le I thought…I can’t reply him with this meat in my mouth and I don’t want to act like a snob…
Are you in hurry or something, I could drop you…
I shook my head…why aren’t you answering me? Is there something in ur mouth?
I pointed to my wrist watch and walked faster…
Okay bye…he said.
Ah when I got back to my hostel I spat out that meat with annoyance ehn stupid idiotic meat…when one oniranu is talking to me meat will not be in my mouth oh….