Sunday, 20 July 2008

Bibi goes to Sliverbird

So if you've read MEETING BIBI this post would make more sense, its not a continuation or anything but ud get to know who 'Bibi' is...so do urself a favour..cause ud laugh ur head off..its probably more funnier than this one..click on the link and get to know BIBI..that is if u havent read it yet.







Ever since the day hafiz told her about the place called sliverbird cinema’s as she called it, Biliki had longed to go to there, she had heard about it prior to that time, saw it on t.v and heard her oga’s children talking about going there.she longed to visit this sliverbird place they all talked about and dressed up nicely to go to. It was almost as if she imagined the place would be flowing with milk and honey, well corn and coconut in her case.

“Bilikis bilikis one day I go carry you go sliverbird” Hafiz, the washerman told her, holding her hands and perusing every inch of her body with his voracious eyes.

“Ah, I go give you some kain trips ehn….i hear sey wen u reash there, as u just comot from car, the car go just park in self…one taim!

She looked at him suspiciously….”abegi! she said twitching her nose disbelievingly as if to say “yeah right”.

Ah stay there! O mo scores!…as you wan enter the door go just open make u enter, wen u enter finish, e go con close again…nobody go tosh am o, moruuf talk sey dem get stairs wey they move, u go jus siddon and the thing go dey carry you go, dey carry u go till you reash upstairs…na im I also hear sey for the ceiling bird just dey fly.dey fly for inside that , the birds dem get silver body why u think sey dem call am sliverbird?




“Ah han hafiz u can fit to lie!” bibi shouted.
“ I swear on my mama” he said touching the ground with his fingers and then pointing it to the sky…
“Moroof don already promise me sey me and him go reash there nest week…. Sey fine fines ges dey dere !”

Oloshi na dere dem go see you…I nefa fine reash for you shey?

Bilikis bilikis! My one and only bilikis, you know sey I just dey play na.


“Abeg leave me jare” she says standing up and loosening her hands from his grip.

“Ah I must to go that sliverbird ” she says dreamingly

Hafiz let out a laugh.

Why YOU, dey laugh?

Dem no dey allow anyhow person dey enter that place oh, if ur face no good, door no go open for u o!

“Wetin dat one con mean? As long as the door open for Moroof, Moroof of all people…wey be like waterproof, e go open for me, oloshi..” She rolls her eyes at him and walks away, as he laughs some more.




Three days later Biliki found herself infront of Sliverbird cinema’s…the ride there was crazy, she had a fight with the conductor over 10 naira, and they traded insults all through the ride, when she got down directly infront of Silverbird the conductor shouted “ u no see as e be, ashawo to ri mecca”

Eeeeh!! Eeeeeh!!! Emi! ” she shouted pointed to herself and jumping from side to side like she was ready to fight. Na your mama, ur mama mama, ur mama mama mama be ashewo!

The conductor pouted his lips and blew a kiss her way.

She turned around bent over and showed him her derriere.

Almost as if to sey kiss this oloriburuku.

Her antics had gotten the attention of almost everybody entering the cinema’s.



Dressed in her white “V.I.P (very important person) shirt that was reserved for special occasions, her shine shine skirt, donning her GSB’S (go-slow bones) and the Dunlop shoes shalewa her friend borrowed her. The weavon on her head was a horrible gold and black combination. She was on top of the world, she had never looked better, she thought. She imagined she was the cynosure of all eyes.

They were looking all right, but not in awe.


And then she saw it, someone walked towards the door and it opened, just like magic, just like Hafizz said, he wasn’t a lying son of a paraga seller after all. She was fascinated by this and made her way towards the door, holding her black polythene bag that she carried everywhere she went. The door opened just as she came closer and she entered, turned around and made her way outside, the same thing happened.

The man at the door looked at her strangely, she did it four more times…going in and out, in and out…

“Excuse me, you are disturbing other people, you either enter or go out” the man at the door finally said.

“The door like my face” she said grinning and made her way inside.

He looked at her as she walked away and wondered if he wasn’t going to lose his job for letting her in.

She stood at the entrance for a while and took the whole thing in for a while, this was the first time she had seen somewhere this beautiful.

She took a turn and found herself at the stairs that moved.

“ Shey mo le gun eleyi bai?”

She put one leg on the escalator and it dragged her feet up, and she almost lost balance…

Oluwa o!

She turns around and seats on it, almost losing her balance, as she goes up she sings loudly to her self.

“Gangorova epo moto!!!!!”

People stare at her weirdly,moments later she reaches the top.

Ye!! Ye!! ye!!!..egbami!! mummy o!!!..ye!

As she reaches the top she is hurled over and her skirt flies over her face exposing cycling shorts that have seen better days, her hair is all over the place, her polythene bag flies out of her hand and it is raining agbado (corn)







Laughter can be heard all over the place.

A security guard rushes to her aid.

Are you okay ma!

Don’t hold me! Fi mi le jare!

She stands up hurriedly and notices part of her skirt is torn, but her shirt is long enough to keep it hidden.

Olori buruku oshi, o fe gbe mi su bu…omo ale…. Ko ni da fun e….she says referring to the escalator.



She pats her hair down and picks up her polythene bag….the guard helps her up second escalator journey to the first floor.

She walks up to the counter.

What movie would you like to see? The attendant asks her?


Er..do u haf Rihanna versus Beyons

The attendant tries to stifle her laughter.

Come again? She asks as if she wasn’t sure what she heard the first time.

Rihanna versus beyons, na omo sesky act am!

She hears laughter behind her.

No we don’t have that, does are the movies that are showing, the attendant replies and she steps aside to take a look.

“ kini gbo gbo rubbish yi”


ancock!

Idi- ana- jones!

Oton years ewu!

Someone passes with some popcorn in hand and she asks where she got it from, the girls stares at her for a while and points hurriedly as if she couldn’t wait to get rid of her.



She walks further to the concession stand, ah! She enters the lines with the others, it finally gets to her turn.


Gi me popcom 15 naira and two purewater.

The attendant stops as he is about to collect the money, and looks at her weirdly.

“wo bo se n wo me….sell popcom jare!” she shouts…

“Popcorn is three hundred naira”

She lets out a scream.

U for come tiff am now, wetin dey inside the popcom! Sell me 15 naira own.

Just then her favourite songs starts playing, a song that she is unable to resist dancing to, no matter where she was, she was one of those people who shame wasn’t in their dictionary.

“lo ri le!........e so fun sisi olo ge ko ya fa ya…..fi le gba be, sisi olo ge e won ni mo desire….o ti e le, bobo o ti e le…..


She does some moves reminiscent of a pasuma video and in the process hit the guys behind in the eye with her darling yaki weavon.

He knows madness when he sees it so he retreats slowly.

She leaves the lines and continues her dancing, the music changes and she finds a seat.

To her surprise she see’s her oga’s kids!

Odun! Bibi! Layo!

They turn around and see her and are even more surprised.

“Ahan! Bilikis wetin you dey do here?” Bibi asks

“ Ah aunty bibs I dey come sliverbird anyhow now, wetin dey here! I don reash here like seven times already”

They look at her knowing fully well that she’s lying.

So wetin una con do here now! She asks

“We com watch film o”

“Ah meself I wan watch film o”

They buy her a ticket to see the movie prom night. She refuses to take popcorn and collects the money instead.

Seated in the cinema,she reaches into her polythene bag and brings out her last surviving agbado and munches on it happily.


“Killam yes killam, ode! Ode! Ah ah ah! Mumu….look back look back!”




“Please you are making noise o!” someone shouts

“ I dey your haus?” she replies


Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!! Yeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!! O gun baje! Ah if na me, nothing! Ma fe no pa, emi!

“SHUTUP!” someone else shouts

“SHUT DOWN! What is it, I talk to you”

“Bibi stop making noise you are disturbing everybody” Temi cautions her.

“Na your first time for cinema?” someone asks

“Who tell you sey na my first time, I haf come here plenty plenty times”

“We don’t want to know, we just want to watch the movie so please shutup”

“ Ah ah, he is there! O si wan be, don’t come out, don’t come out o…ah iru ode wo le le….e dey dere!!!!! Ah na so dem go just kill dis fine girl for im mama, ah ah ah! This world is bad, this world is very…….


“ SHUT UP! SHUT UP! Can someone near her please tell that girl to SHUT UP!



“Excuse me, if you can’t stop making noise you will have to leave” someone in uniform informed her.

“Leave for what shebi I pay money,

“Please who allowed this thing inside here, if she doesn’t leave I want a refund because I haven’t heard anything since she started talking” someone behind her with an accent says.

She turns around to see the snotty little girl who just made the comment and whom probably isn’t more than thirteen.

“Come I resemble your mate!”

“kpass!” a resounding slap on the girl’s cheeks.

“Omigosh! She slapped me”

Biliki are you okay? Asks bibi

That’s it, out! Stand up!

The man grabs her by the arm and pulls her up.

I no go anywhere!

Look move or I’ll carry you out of here!




“Carry me make I see you, ti n ba gun e ti e je (you’ll see if I don’t bite off your ears)


He lifts her up on his shoulders and carries her out as she struggles, hitting him with her nylong bag.

Make sure she doesn’t come back here o! someone shouts

“Ever!” Someone else adds and everyone laughs.

He deposits her outside the building and gives instructions that she shouldn’t be let in.


“Gbo gbo yin sere, emi emi, okay now nest time ma da gbo gbo ibi ru, e ni we re!” (all of u are mad, me! Me! Okay next time I will scatter this whole place, u don’t have madness)

21 comments:

Omotayo said...

Okay so am first once again. . . . like my second or third time. Lemme go read wetin Bibi do 4 Galleria.

Buttercup said...

hahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG!!!!!

gosh, that was hilarious!

i followed the link n read the meeting bibi post..

hahahahahahahhaaaaaaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaa!!!!

Naija Idol said...

3rd. yaaay. first time here. make i go read the meeting bibi first.

Naija Idol said...

JESU!!! I nor understand all the plenty Yoruba sha but all d same, it was hilarious... ive nt laughed this hard in a long time.

Warning to all guys looking for realtionships on fb & hi5.lol
May they never come across Biliki and her sisters. Amen

u r 6ft tall??? im too oh.

my first time here. oya three GBOSA for me.

olu said...

I'm laughing hysterically and everyone around thinks I've lost it (maybe I've cos I can't seem to stop laughing).

"Er..do u haf Rihanna versus Beyons" Geez! that line is priceless. How does your mind work?

Adapt it into a book and I'm sure it will be a bestseller (is there anything like bestselling book in Naija!)

Mz. Dee said...

lmao!!!!!!
omigosh she slapped mee :p:p!

Laide u have knack for writin!

Mz. Dee said...

see as i'm soundin lyk bibi now..

a knack*** :p

mizchif said...

Onw word.....HILARIOUS!!!
Of course i went to read d intro to Bibi 1st!
U really took ur time to get into Bibi's mind and say all the things she must've thot!
U sure say u no be Bibi for anoda life?lol!

Very nice work tho!

Beyond said...

OMG!.....can't stopp laughing, my brovas are beginning to think am kuku. This is crazy, i pray i never come across ppl like this.....besides i blame bibi for paying for biliki's movie ticket. They should have known der was gon be drama in der.

Chari said...

lawd of mercy!

chai..laide u take the prize...ahnahn!

b said...

are u 4 real? after the Bibi issue, she still works for them.

lol

b

darkelcee said...

LMAOROFL

men, u are good!

'dara said...

"...he wasn’t a lying son of a paraga seller after all..." HILARIOUS!!!

Afrobabe said...

lmao...Ok they need to keep some people out of the cinemas....Biliki first evxtor...

Tricia said...

Hmmnnn...i can't fit talk..Girl, u are too much!, u've got such a crazy imaginative ability i never see!, i check ur blog everyday for new updates. Pls keep writing!!!! Biliki's story is d bomb and so are all ur other posts!, Girl, u too mush!!!

NigerianDramaQueen said...

bwahahahahahahaha
Ex-schoolnerd you are priceless!
You really carried me with this story. LOL@"BeyonCE Vs.Rihanna"! I wonder where Bibi will go next

Anonymous said...

Each time I read this blog I ask myself, sometimes jealously: "How does one person have so many hilarious experiences"?

theicequeen said...

*gasp, gasp* LMFAO....Laide, you no get work, so youve decided to kill me with laughter..or make people institutionalize me because il laffin like a fool...chai! "you can fit to lie?"..and GSB? lmaooo..and the people for the cinema sef, they don't know how to enjoy good thing when it comes their way. That movie, they can watch anytime they want..the act sisi put up may never be repeated in their lifetime! instead of them to kick back and watch her in action..hissss

Anthony Arojojoye said...

Sliverbird

Anonymous said...

u have killed me o>LMAO LOL!!!YEPA!!!!see d way she yap escalator!!!

Anonymous said...

Lol!! NIce story...Literally in tears. Omo Bibi yen crazy.

Schoolnerd, your writing skills are bahd, beht your Yoruba needs some polishing (no offense) ;)