Musco: fineboy! Who be dat sezy maraposca wey just enter our room nau?
FBA: Na the girl na!
Musco: which one, which one!
FBA: the one wey I been dey yarn you and Wells about yesterday….omo britico yen
Musco: Na lie! She con find you tru tru
FBA: shebi I tell una, I no tell una
Musco: we been thing say u just dey blow lie for us…no be you!
FBA: ah! e pain me sey wells no dey here to see am o!
Musco: but she fine o! how she take gree for u
FBA: how she no go gree for me, fine boy no pimples, no blemish, no cataract…no
Musco: comot for dere jo, e mean sey hope still dey for people like me o! if pesin like u fit get this kain fine babi..
FBA: (Eyes Musco) wey the tapes wey I give u make u dub Channel o and Mnet….
Musco: Ah I really try for you o! My oga almost take stick scatter my head when im see me for im parlour.na only God save me oh!
FBA: ehn ehn I don hear…thank you…I go settle u later!
Musco: FBA! FBA!..hmmm na u biko…
FBA: you want to watch Shannel o?
Aloted: you have cable?
FBA: No o! but I have wire, rope….
Aloted: Er..rope? I don’t understand?
FBA: no be you ask for cable
Aloted : Cable! Cable! Er I mean DSTV….
FBA: na STV u wan watch? I get STV nau…
Aloted: u no what lets just watch channel o
Inserts tape in VCR and presses play when Aloted isn’t looking.
FBA: ah I too like this song “ bomsinabom bomsinabom….we like the girls with the bomsinabom”
Aloted looks at him weirdly.
Suddenly the T.V becomes blurred and sounds are heard…moaning sounds
Aw! Enrico!!! Yes enrico!!! Its soo huge….give it to me…
FBA’s riddled with confusion….
The picture’s no longer blurred and man and woman are having sex widly on the floor…it’s a porn movie.
“Ah yes!!! Yessssssssssss!!! Ahh!! Faster!!!
Aloted is shocked and starts coughing
Aloted: what is this rubbish?
FBA: ehn, ah, abi awon shannel o ti ya we re….na dem channel o people
Aloted: This is so disgusting! Please change it..
FBA: Make we watch am small maybe dem go remove am nau
Oh enrico…ey papi…. ….ey!!!! yes! Baby!! Yes!!!.....
Aloted: Pls change it now!!!
Rushes to change it…but doesn’t want to let up that it’s actually a tape.
FBA: I can’t find the remote
Aloted: Just change the channel from the decoder or something
FBA: ki lon je be?
Aloted: please turn the bloody thing off already!
FBA: I am coming!!
Turns off the television!
Aloted: I said just change the channel not put it off
FBA: it is better this way, those shannel o people r bastards…how how can dey be showing dat kain thing…
Aloted: Are you sure it was from channel o?
FBA: you saw it now!..Er! Aloted… Do you want anything to eat….
Aloted: anything like what
FBA: well garri and fish dey house or if you prefer risky burger
Aloted: Risky burger, what a name! no I’ll just have water.
FBA: only! Take something now
Aloted: no I am fine with water.thanks
Hurries off the get her some water
FBA: and is very shilled..
FBA: shilled! Very shilled! Is very col (cold)
Aloted: Oh! Thanks..gosh am so thirsty…Er it has a funny taste…why?
FBA: let me test(taste) it…Ah yes, I can test it….abi na d bottle wey Musco piss inside.
Aloted spits out a mouthful of water.
Aloted : What! Piss!
FBA: no I just dey ask ni
Aloted: I hope so cause I just drank out of that water and I don’t want to drinking out of a bottle someone’s pissed in..
FBA: Fa ra ba le…cool down!
Some minutes later.
Aloted: FB-ay! I dunno whats (holds tummy) wrong with me…gosh do you have a bathroom
FBA: what happen!
Aloted : I need to use the toilet, gosh whats happening….what was in that water.
FBA: nothing now! You wan use toilet for wetin
Aloted: I want to go and watch t.v there, stop asking me stupid questions and show me the loo
FBA: which one be loo again, u no go toilet again.
Aloted: Just take me to the BLOODY toilet….what did u put in that water…
FBA: I didn’t put anything now,why are you saying that! Shebi I drink the water too
Aloted: you just took a sip, I took two cups dammit! Where is the freaking loo…..i need to go yesterday!
FBA: Oya follow me….
Aloted: why r we going outside…
FBA: shebi u wan go toilet, toilet dey downstairs now.
As they approach the end of the stairs they are hit by a putrid smell…
Aloted: Tell me that smell isn’t from the toilet
FBA: na the toilet o
Aloted : Oh my God! I am gonna go on my self, gosh it has to be the water….
FBA: oya just bend down pass under that stick, na dat pan be the toilet…
Aloted : Oh you are shitting me!
FBA: u don dey shit? Which one u dey o! u dey go abi u no go
Aloted : (does cross sign,holds nostrils enters toilet and almost collapses)….Ew!! ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! This isn’t a toilet, its just a disgusting hole….
FBA: ok now still dey speak English there, dat na d only toilet o!
Aloted: Please bring tissue paper!
FBA: tissue no dey, make I bring water?
Aloted: I don’t want your water, go and buy tissue…
Aloted: I say tissue no dey, u no dey hear…I no get tissue for house…
Aloted: please go and buy, please!
FBA: ok I dey come.
Aloted : God! Why did I come here, why!....okay ….Ew!! whats that on my leg….
(Bends down a little to do her business)
The sounds emanating from the tin toilet attract a neighbour.
Bumight: Who dey that toilet? Shey na shit u dey shit abi u dey born twice (twins)
(Bangs the toilet door)
Aloted: Someone’s in here!
Bumight: No before na something go dey inside…who dey there!
Aloted: I am using the toilet, I waiting for tissue.
Bumight: Tissue ke!(laughs) ….make u do quick comot o! me sef I wan shit….
FBA: Aloted! You dey dere!
Aloted: Yes yes! Bring it….thanks
(Minutes later comes out sweating, shirt is also drenched in sweat and she heads upstairs immediately)
Bumight: Na u bring dat Ajebo come.
FBA: how e take concern you!
Bumight: mimics Aloted(I am wait for a tissue) shit never cash u well well..
FBA: kon! Gerraway and mine ur business, u tin sey e be laik u!!! u don see tissue sins the taim dem born u!
Bumight: (enters toilet) YEEEEEEEE!!!! Okokobioko!!! FBA! FBA! Con see wetin your girlfriend leave put for this toilet oh…FBA!
FBA rushes upstairs and meets Musco on the way.
Musco: FBA I keep one water for fridge, who drinkam?
FBA: Ah I gif my girl nau!
Musco: OOOOHHHHHH!!! Why u no ask me now…na me put am dere…I keep am for Wells…I won show dat stupid boy so I buy Isumeri(native laxative) put inside….
Grabs Musco’s shirt
FBA: so na you! Na you! That na why the girl dey complain of stomach pain
Musco: Na me do wetin? I send you make you message! Free me abeg!
FBA: u go see! Just wait! U go see, u don spoil my show now..u go see...
Musco: comot for here jare.
Just then wells returns and with him is Sikira, FBA’s girlfriend.
Wells: FBA! Wetin be dis! My shirt….i give u my shirt wear….remove am remove am! Remove am now now!
FBA: Cool down! Now….no be for outside u for talk all this one
Wells: remove am jare! Ah…na even my jeans you carry match am….remove both of them na na na na !!!!i no one hear anything, I don dey suspect sey person dey wear my clothes, I don talk sey one day I do catch that person.. today na today…remove am if u noone make I box u for face..
FBA: Wells no be so o!
(FBA removes shirt and jeans)
Aloted steps out of the room to see FBA in his boxers.
Wells: Ah! My boxers!!!!
Sikira: FBA! Na who be dis?
Sikira: Who be dis one wey tanda for your back so? Wetin she fine for your room she loss something? Oya answer me, answer me jare…(Grabs FBA’S boxers)
Wells: small small with that boxers oh!
Sikira: You no hear me, I say who be dis one…wetin una dey do for room, see sweat full all im body…na wetin una dey do for room…
FBA: na shit!
Sikira: una dey shit.
FBA: No na because im go shit make am dey sweat like dat.
(Wells and Musco burst out laughing)
Aloted: I have had enough of this rubbish
Sikira: where you dey go? What are u finding in my boyfriend room?
Aloted: Excuse me!
Sikira: My friend dress back!...FBA! If u no answer me! Both of una no go leave this place….oloshi…ashawo oshi…..wetin (picks up harp bottle lying fallow) If u no talk I go break this bottle for your head take d remainder chook am.
Aloted: FBA please control this miscreant and tell her that nothing happened between us
Sikira: Ehn! Me rat? She call me rat..(leaves FBA’s boxers and grabs Aloted’s shirt, and three buttons coming off,shakes her back and forth like a rag doll and pushes her to the ground)
Aloted: (Aloted gathers her self,her countenance changes) See ehn, shey na because I don dey speak fo-ne since….(Lands sikira a heavy back hand slap collects bottle from floor and breaks it on the ground, and they all scamper to the side) Gbo gbo yin si ere…(all of u are mad)..If anybody make ‘Kpim’ I go use this bottle chook all your belle…nonsense! (she picks up her bag from the floor and walks away)
FBA: bye bye! I will call you later
Aloted: you better not!
Sikira: you go call who, who u go call…(jumps on FBA and starts strangling him, while Musco and Wells try to pull her off.)
FBA: ye!!! Ye!! Ye!!!
Bumight: Okokobioko o! chai! na person shit dis kain shit….