Wednesday, 11 March 2009

Where the fuck are u?

AM JUST RAMBLING..THIS POST MIGHT NOT MAKE SENSE...or it just might.


i am sitting here, all alone, at home.Well i can hear rooney's heavy breathing through the window where his cage sits.Silence fills my house,nepa has refused to bless us with light for five days..The boredom is unbearable but theres only so much i can do...at least i have my Stephen King novel, my ipod and my two phones..someone is bound to call.What have i become someone that sits by her fone waiting for someone to call and in the event that no one does...thoughts of no one cares feels my head..but as pathetic as it seems i still hope and wait to hear
"i fly like paper , get high like planes" - my ringtone.

i am a very weird person...i feel like no one will really ever get to know me..know the real me..understand me...at least no one does yet..well i think no one does.i feel like i am one of those people that are incapable of really connecting with another person..yeah theres connection on some level..but never as deep as id like it to be..and i dont know if it's me..maybe i should just accept the fact that i am a loner.which of course i am...i will have friends and all..but when it all boils down to it...i am still a loner..and no one will ever understand me or take time to..

...i am starting to think i might not get married..but when did i become the girl who thought about all these things and even if i did it wasnt a big deal, when did everything just become all about marriage..i used to see beyond that, all i wanted to do was finish school, do my masters, work my way into the advertising industry and do my t-shirt designing and jewelry making on the side...not this marriage nonsense that seems to feel my head.


its been what 3 years since i had a serious relationship...no 4...there have been relationships but didnt last enough to turn into anything serious...i have ended every relationship ive ever been in..well except one..it has always been me who pulled the plug.I dont know what i am looking for but i just know i havent found it yet..a couple of times i tot id found it but if that was it why didnt it last. ...but what if i never find it or it never finds me.It sucks when everyone around me has supposedly found someone who they feel they can be with...and i havent..but it doesnt matter.I cant settle...i cant..id rather be alone..than continue to be unhappy...iv been unhappy for long time its only recently hat streaks of happiness can be found in my life...i deserve hapiness...so no i cant settle.sometimes i think about all the people that have approached me all this while and ive said no to...maybe am making a mistake.but i havnt found what i am looking for...ive seen it..but its always taken...no am not talking about the rich guy with the car and the money and all that stuff that has never held water to me...ill make my own money...ill buy myself all i want...so mr look-at-me-mobile, mr i gat-ten-gazillion-in my account , mr-i-am-a-star thats not what am looking for.....

so what am i looking for? do i even know...

i have been celibate for 3 yrs...no 4....i dont know if i should say i hate sex ...i dont think i do.no i dont....i just think over the years ive met people who were more interestd in exploring the phsyical part of me...than any other thing..And that is so not what i need...and until i meet someone who takes the time to know me as a person.gets to know me on a deeper level... thats when i might really open up sexually...no pun intended.

i met someone recently and the 3rd time we saw he was telling me ' i can just imagine what your hands can do on my body'....it just took that sentence to turn me off completely and delete his number...i was abused as a kid and it might have distorted my view of sex...so when u come to me and the first thing u talk about is frolicking in the hay with me...it puts me off!!!

I also have a problem with people i cant talk to.Now i dont want to have to think of what to say to u when we are together.causing akward silence..we should just flow naturally, der should be a connection ....

thats why it didnt work out with u...yes u! u are nice and caring and all that good stuff..but i didnt feel that thing i was supposed to feel and didnt want to lead u on cause i care about u and wouldnt want to be led on too..thats why i suggested we stay friends..u understand now dont u....u were interested in my mind more than anything...which i thought was just incredible..u wanted to know me as a person more than anything else...sex wasn't paramount to u...and i appreciated that but the chemistry...did u feel it? i tried but i didnt...

and u..i cant be with u, cause u talk alot of game but ur actions dont follow suit..u want me u say...we shud get back together you say...but i cant...cause id be settling..i was settling the first time and i didnt know it...and u saved me by suggesting we be friends cause i wasnt ready to fulfill ur needs sexually..but now u want us to get back and as much as i like you...i dont want to settle...

and u.....i always wanted an intelligent man and u came around...and at first i was fascinated and was in awe...cause everytime u spoke i learnt something but later i was horrified to learn that there was no chemistry...and things just fizzled..and the 'love' u had for me...i guess that fizzled too...

and u...i dont knw what we r doing..i know i am really attracted to u cause u r intelligent,u make me laugh and ur witty,artsy and caring ud have been perfect .....but..there r so many buts and u know it...and i dont know what u want from me..cause we aint defined it yet...but..but..i dont do friends with benefits....

how many failed relationships or almost relationships do i have to have before i meet u.

u foolish goat...with the toothy smile...intelligence that leaves me dumbfounded...our chemistry will be electric...u would bring out that part of me that has been buried long ago in my teens years...under my many self esteem issues..ud bring out the real laide..the happy one..who isnt scared..doesnt care what people thinks...dare devil...feisty....fun....friendly...outgoing....and id do the same for u...help u discover things u didnt know about urself...we'd be inseperable...and go for literary events hand in hand...and silence wont be akward..cause even in silence it feels so good..and we'd take those goofy pictures and upload on facebook and everyone wud be positive that we are mad...and it'd feel like i had found what i have been waiting for for a very long time...and then sex would be toe curling..mind blowing....sheets grabbing....head board hitting..neirbourhood waking...police calling...kinda sex...

where the fuck are u?

49 comments:

Tigeress said...

Me first??

Tigeress said...

woo-hoo!! let me go and read.

Tigeress said...

why wld u think u might not get married. if it's ur heart desire- then u will. Dont settle cos u'll be stuck with ur choices/mistakes for the rest of your life.

It fine if u dont like sex while single. But u had better like it when u get married. lol!! Cos ur body will no longer belong to you.

If u want a sex free relationship- stick to it. There are guys out there that will appreciate your values.

Padosh said...

2nd!!! Tigress gerrout of here.
Im off to read.

bumight said...

i know what it feels like to wait for ur phone to ring, esp when u just created that awesome ringtone and u cant even hear it! lol

my teacher says we're in the "intimacy vs isolation" stage of development. the stage where u r looking to develop an intimate, trusting and committed relationship with one person. so i guess having marriage on the brain is normal for us (21-40 years old)

i dont think you'll end up alone. he's out there....cos me i want to be a bridesmaid o!

scomiss said...

lol....my dear breaatthhheee....

April 6th, makes it 4 yrs of me being single...so yea you are not alone in this world

Beulah! said...

gIRLIE!... It's too early to conclude you'd remain single for the rest of ur life! you still have a lot ahead of you. You could meet him at ur NYSC camp, while serving, at your work place, in grad. school....the list is endless.

No need to fret ok???

flabby said...

interestin..ive been thinking almost the same thing- the whole not gettin married p- been single for 3 yrs- not willing to settle either! celibate for 8 months (altho i use the word lightly cos i havent actually had sex)

where the feck is he? totally get that!

Funms-the rebirth said...

where is he? i ask the same question every time....
ur definitely not going to end up alone, there r so many people that will aprreciate u, it can get frustrating kissing all these toads before we find the prince.... and people not calling u, they will. but wait do u call people too?
enjoy ur single life now cuz when u find that one, u;d have to share urself....

CaramelD said...

Sweetie/Sugar, this is why I love your blog. You are honest enough to put into words the issues that trouble us all but we can't talk about.

I read this post and I had goosebumps because it could have been written by me. You are not an unusual case so find your smile again oh!

Trust me, I'm older than you, never been in a serious relationship and all around me my nearest and dearest are settling, and for real you do start to wonder, why is my case so difficult?

He IS out there and you have to believe it, so that I can keep believing it too! Big hug!

Miss Definitely Maybe said...

To steal a phrase from Parakeets' blog

"Everything comes to its own in the fullness of time"

He will come, soon enough. Enjoy your life and dont 'wait'. Ever heard the english saying

"a watched kettle never boils?"

gosh im full of sayings today

mizchif said...

Plenty of raw emotion in this post. Almost brought me to tears, cuz there's a lot of things you mentioned that i've been worrying about lately. So you are very much not alone dear.

Fret not, you are still young, and there is still time.

Where is he? you ask
Here's what i tell myself......
He's out there kissing his own share of female toads, learning, building himself up, being fine tuned by God, so when he finally meets you, he'll be able to appreciate you even more and love you like you deserve to be loved.

Qube The Wordsmith said...

10th!!!!
First lemme start by sayin I hav a HUGE crush on you. I hav made dis publicly known on my blog n evryone(4rm Padosh to Afro to EVRYONE) wants ur response. TANK A BUNC!!
Movin on...neva think u will not meet the perfect guy cos wat u believe wil manifest....NEVA EVA LOSE HOPE!!!! As humans we are always plauged by eternal questions on love life n evrytin btw (WOW! Dat wuld b a gud name for a blog!!Movin on)but leave evry to Baba G.. He knws wats best babes

flabby said...

forgot to say- really love 'paper planes' as well!

Smaragd said...

XSN! who are u? shit! get out of my head! I could have written this...damn!

I wish i could tell u sth wise and witty and comforting, i wish i could tell u that i'm out of that "quagmir-ish" situation, but i cant.

I guess as long as u have that image of him in ur mind, and u never give up on finding him, he'll come honey, just myt not be as toothy as u want...lol.

Just...Toluwa said...

whooo! bad day uh?

well, patience, my dear...

RocNaija said...

A long long time ago.. people used to enjoy being single.. all the trappings.. the unencumbered lifestyle.. everything.
There’ll always be a question to ask... one day you’ll move from “where d fuck are you” to “Where’ve you been all my life”

And there is something called a comfortable silence y'know..

Anonymous said...

Awww i love the rawness of this entry. U are not alone. Single 6yrs and counting...celibate for even longer but its all good. I go thru bouts of "where the hell is he" too...he's out there.

If it is your desire. It will happen. Thou shall not settle!!!

Sexkitten said...

The jury is still out on whether or not you'll be single for life. I think it will come back in your favor.

In the meantime, just have fun.

Enkay said...

Girl you just poured it all out.I could just feel you and it's understandable really.

One of the few things I've come to discover is that most of the things we desire come to us even when we're not looking too hard for them.

Your life is beautiful and it's a work in progress, things will fall in place even when you least expect them to!

ibiluv said...

at a bus stop near you

na dia hin dey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LusciousRon said...

Most women get to this point at some time. I hope you find that person.

thenine09 said...

although it might sound a lil hard to digest easily, everything would happen when the time is right! :) it sounds so cliche but i guess its true. ive got the best bf anyone could ask for and yet i used to doubt the relationship so much but now im trying to settle and believe that every lil things happens for some reason! believe in "destiny"! :) *hugs*

Afrobabe said...

And here I was almost coming home cos i tot the problem was england...I thin the problem is me too...but babe when yu find that thing you are looking for...I think you will know...in the meantime dont let life weigh you down...be happy and when you are not then as Femi B said...dance naked in front of the mirror...

scarletboy said...

dont be too hard on urself, everything comes at the right time. that your friends or people you know are hooking up or are in serious relationships and ur not in one does not mean that you are odd or not doing anything right. just take your time and you will find someone who will love and appreciate you for who you are and what and not ur bodily assets...

Femi B said...

Afrobabe thanks for the shout out I guess I need to bottle and patent my therapy and make that cheddah

ibilola said...

makes COMPLETE sense!!! Somthin' must b in d air cos i was just thinking bout the same thing today. Actually had to leave my desk/job to sip some pity juice 4 bout an hr.

so like a whole lot of us - we could have written these words, espcially the connecting and loner bit. I guess it's some comfort - dat one is not alone but yet...DAMN...

All d waiting is just tiring jo! Was reading somewhere and d person came up with the right word - PURGATORY.

Dat's wat it feels like, just waiting and purging/regurgitating all the little flaws.

Abeg make i stop d rant jo...All in all, just wanted to tell ya - u ain't alone

~Sirius~ said...

*Exhaling, I do not know where to start.

One thing I know is, good things never come easy....There's always a price to pay.

I totally feel you. Luckily for me my sample size of men doesn't go past 3. I did all the dumping too.
At one point I felt like this. Believe it or not sometimes what we need NOT want is right in front of us, but we are too blind to see.

I almost lost out because I found myself in a situation that I felt was too much hassle for me, and to make matters worse dude was not what I was "supposedly" looking for- so we were friends, until I saw the light.

It takes two people to make "A" relationship.
You have a check list, so does he.
Everything on that list may not be ticked, that's where compromise and sacrifice step in.
But the bottom line is there are COMPULSARY bullet points you must look past.

Kai, I've written a post here, and I still have a lot more to say.

Olufunke said...

Your post make a lot of sense.
God would grant your heart desires.
He would walk into your life....just like that.

Geebee said...

Now that was one random post that showed the rumblings in the mind of an angry, witty, frank and of course nerdy woman . . . Brilliant! Well in life, we usually don’t get that perfect thing we want and we always have to ‘settle’ for something one way or the other. Where the fuck is he/it? Just around the corner. You just have to decide to settle somehow. . . I love your style. First time here . . . I’m delighted.

Woomie O! said...

And Tigress just had to be first, second and third!!!
SELFISH.
Laide, I can't believe I'm no.31!!!
Have we drifted that far apart???

A good thing takes time...believe me, neighbour waking, police calling kinda sex is worth waiting for!
*WINK*

olu said...

Deep stuff! Makes sense.

Naughty Eyes said...

Do I see some part of me amongst the descriptions of guys there? I'd be horrified if I was...

theicequeen said...

awwww, my dear i relate all to well to this, that's all i can say. you just gave words to my emotions better than i ever could have....all my relationships, i have ended, even if they were...well...i concluded they were crap anyways, mostly because i didn't feel "it". it has never felt right, and i know it's because they haven't been the right person...so i've decided to just chill and not stress until he comes...because he willl..shuo, i have my Oprah wishlist and everything o...this perfect man is described in detail! hehe....and watch Madea goes to Jail on stage...he makes a whole lot of sense on the topic of being single,not settling and...just watch it!

lol...feel you on the loner thing too...it scares me..i've always been led to believe i'm an extrovert of some sort...but i really do just love and am comfortable in my own company most of the time...oh well

hugzies my dear, lighten up and have fun!

Quaggar said...

Swthrt.. i'm right here, look no further.

Spicytee said...

Wow Laide..
This is the story of my life.
You just opened it chapter by chapter.
And it made shed those tears I have been holding back for awhile..
Is so..I mean. Sorry I might have to come back later.

Ms. Catwalq said...

He's with me...

Spicytee said...

You know something dearie..
Keep your head up.. He will come when you least expected it. And he will be there forever.

psykotik said...

love ur blog, i feel like this sometimes, i love that you have the courage to be totally honest tho.

psykotik said...

havent stopped by in a while, starting a new blog.

Oyin said...

LMAO!!

how you dey?

Buttercup said...

awwwww...i hope u find eachother soon!!!!

Mommy said...

I'm not sure I've ever commented on your page...have I? Anyway, today, I just want to SLAP you...sincerely...so you can just wake up and enjoy life as it comes. Reading your post, I saw a lot of 'me' when I was about your age and it made me slap myself. Hence the strong urge to want to slap you.A day came when I had this stupid feeling you having now...I made up my mind and said 'f***k it!' I'm going to live my life and be happy. I don't need anyone to make me happy. I went celibate for many years than yours...but I made up my mind to be happy and get to make friends and know them better. True most of them got me into real trouble but every experience I had is still memorable to me. I'm going to talk too much honey. Snap out of it!

Mommy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Omo calabar. said...

Damn. You r pouring ur heart out gal. u gonna get a man, just stick to ur values

Chi-Chi said...

Seems everyone wonders when they would find the ONE...sadly some have found theirs

Hopefully we would , so cheer up
: )

Original Mgbeke said...

Nice post. Hey don't we all wonder. I'm with Mommy tho. I'm just living my life.

L-VII said...

It just happens, when you least expect it, keep your eyes and heart open and who knows?.... lol, would be nice if I really believed that. Girl, you are not the only who feels this way, but hey, you gotta keep on keeping on.

Prince Charming said...

At last
I made it to you...
Prince CHARMING is here
worry not
Just hold on and let me
BLOW YOUR MIND!!!