Wednesday, 1 April 2009

A FECKING LONG RANT! (you’ve been warned)

It been six days without light, its been so bad that all my dreams have been about there being light, apparently that seems to be the only place I see light these days cause those fuck heads at NEPA don’t want to get their act right..its not like something’s faulty cause some people around have light..

Three days being alone with mother , my brothers are away, daddy has travelled, the new househelp has travelled, the old one has gone.
Just me, mother and rooney. I am starting to think she prefers rooney’s company to mine, going by the way she’s always talking to him..asking him if he’s been a good boy today.

Sometimes I want to remind her ‘it’s a friggin dog’

We’ve managed to argue about every friggin thing from sardines to plantains, to fuel, to me being selfish, to everything being my bloody fault…and I am so so tired.

I’ve been in school all this while, so we really haven’t had to deal with each other. Three days together and its a shout fest every minute. At least if someone else was around my portion of her wrath would be greatly reduced.

Yesterday we had to wait till 8pm to put on the generator…and I had to endure mothers singing. Whenever there’s no light, mother sings..she never fails to disappoint…i have a feeling she thinks she has a pretty good voice…at one point I almost pulled my eyelids off..when she kept repeating ‘Halleluyah halleluyah halleluyah hosanna hosanna hosanna’ continuously for like 30 minutes…I thought id go mad..i almost forgot myself and at one point almost shouted ‘SHUT UP!’…but then my dad and my brothers would come home to meet my dead body…

Gosh she agitates me, I can never do anything right if u hear the way she talks you’d think I was the daughter from hell!!!

And then how she makes everything seem like there’s a demon behind it don’t get me wrong I know there’s evil in this world the things I’ve seen have proved that but what’s with attributing every single thing to some demonic force, its bordering on paranoia and its slowly rubbing off on me i don’t want to be that way…

A wall gecko that retreats when she says Jesus, forgetting it might be purely coincidental definitely has to be her sister doing some astral projection shite and monitoring her.

The neighbour’s dog that barks a lil too loud when she passes is definitely possessed by some demonic spirit.

And when I tell her that she mustn’t attribute everything to demons, she shakes her head as if to say ‘ki lo mode mo’ (what does a child know)

I cant live my life thinking every cockroach and rat is monitoring me..

Thank God for the PVR decoder (Its kind of like a TIVO) makes it possible to watch two DSTV channels at a go and record and stuff…she has one channel on locked down on style network….i mistakenly changed it yesterday and the way she came at me you’d think I came home and told her I was pregnant for baba musibau our plumber and was running away with him..

Takes things too frigging serious.sheesh!

The other day she made me take innocent’s picture (new house help) that one mistook it for a fashion shoot and when to comb his hair and wear his very important person shirt..he was supposed to be travelling and she was paranoid…I don’t know what taking the picture actually achieves…but I did it after much arguing..while innocent posed..change ur syle..another one..another like that.

Of which innocent has started his own problem..laughing around the house like a rat at apparently nothing…and singing songs so loudly that have no head or tail..and when they send him messages he’ll squeeze his face as if they asked him to ate spoilt beans..does he think he is vacationing here or something?

Hold up I need to change the channel…Kiss me thru the fone ko!

Phew! I was able to save some brain cells….oloshi..just because we accepted ‘crank that’ doesn’t mean we have to accept this foolishness.

I wish mother would just chill, we have our fun moments when am telling her about slumdog millionaire and we are talking about celeb marriages..and just life..but other times..she just gets angry and agitated easily and I don’t like that.

WHY the hell is this stupid FLORIDA song number one?!

This cunt from GTB bank annoyed me yesterday ehn what’s with some stupid gurl’s that work in banks…with their attitude problem and all…they need to check themselves cause one day I will curse one of them out.mcheeew!! am I the one that said u shud have a face like a wood pecker…whatever is wrong with u try to keep that shit at home.nonsense!

I am reading a novel – ANYBODY OUT THERE by MARIAN KEYES..anybody read it? Its too hilarious for words but also tear jerking…I don’t want to finish it in a hurry.

Can anyone suggest good/interesting novels for me to buy? (Please no romance)

I have to go now..they r doing a 30 minutes thing on my baby – the dream.

Christina Millian is just for publicity.

Who do u think he was singing ‘I love your gurl for?’

He was taking to my ex-boyfriend..the douche bag.

And yes I did talk in a falsetto..damn! didn’t know I had it in me.

I met my blog boo –Qube the wordsmith.(yes o I gas to belong).he’s just the sweetest thing..we had fun at the beach on Sunday with a bunch of other fun loving peeps ..and he just made the day all the better…We definitely hv to do it this month.

Ill be 23 on Monday. Fecking hell!


Tigeress said...


Tigeress said...

Nice! hehehehehe It's been a minute since i've been first.

EXN u too dey rant. Make i go read.

Tigeress said...

this was a funny post. I feel u on momsie. I'm almost 30 and momsie STILL rubs me up the wrong way. lol@ at dad meeting ur dead body. dont shout shut up to momsie o. just tell her to keep quiet. lol!! U'll get a slap- pere.

So you turn 23? U don become big girl o. U don dey look for husband? :)

Happy birthday in arrears.

bumight said...

are u kidding me?
"kiss me through the phone" is actually one of his better songs!

exschoolnerd said...

@Tigeress..congratulobia on being first be my fault..they annoy me too mush in ds place.

thnx for d bday wishes.

@bumight..i hate that song.with a passion!

flabby said...

i love style network!!!

wait- i had so many comments- but i seem to have forgotten them

oh my mum annoys me as well mehn!!


Ladi said...

LOL! I actaully read through the whole post oh!

Nepa is a big fat....I coming to 9ja in June and not looking foward to the power unless of course God answers our prayers. Ask you mum to pray too oh!

I've not met any bloggers but found out that I knew a few from school...So I met them before blogville.

Didn't know Nigerians could really love pets too.

I interned in GTBank last summer but 'we' wer nice maybe its the new! The ones at Zenith made my parents close their accounts.

FineBoy Agbero said...

kai! rant indeed!

babe wait o: who was Qube? Jamisi jo!

Cappuccine Baby said...

Lool @ Your mum singing, my mum does that too, damn annoying, I love her to bits but when it comes to her voice..............

Lati said...

ok where do i start...

motheres; cant live with them, cant live without them. they lik our backbone.

attitude; lot of naija ppl in work force that ive come across, have problem attitude. they only respect u if u r rich or famous. I hate when some randomer call me Aunty or sister just to sell me what i dnt need or want. I h8 even more when ppl r just plain rude.

Qube: how nice!! where r d pix??

Novel: must read dat!

Lati said...

ok where do i start...

mothers; cant live with them, cant live without them. they are like our backbone.

attitude; lot of naija ppl in work force that ive come across, have problems with their attitude. they only respect u if u r rich or famous. I hate when some randomer call me Aunty or sister just to sell me what i dnt need or want. I h8 it even more when ppl r just plain rude.

Qube: how nice!! where r d pix??

Novel: must read dat!

Nefertiti said...

Lol. I can so relate to my mom annoying the frack outta me. I devised so many childish plans to off her, but ori woman yen pe bii to soja idumota. Nothing ever escpes her. You'll come to appreciate her in time. They usually mean the best.

I hate that bloddy arindin song too (kiss me thru the phone) I roll my eyes and change the dial whenever I hear ta ta ta ta... ughhhh disgusting. the dream looks like a fat mugu. u like that norbit dude?

There is no such thing as customer service in nigeria. The last time I came home, I was given a rude awakening several times. It was then I realized that aiye la'n je ni bi. Looks like everyone was so damn angry, and it's understandable. That country is hella hot!

Anonymous said...

Loll. Damn Naija mum's and their drama. Hunny kiss me thru thr phone is nothing. have you heard stanky leg? SOme people should be shot!

Qube are you cheating on me already? WB the twins eh?

And Exschoolnerd we need the rest of the story :)

Anonymous said...

Oh I read the book. I cried oh... you should read anything by Terry Pratchett, he's ridiculously funny.

Anonymous said...

Looks like if u stayed a month with ur mum, both of u will come out with eye bags, they annoy u so much but u still miss them so much

olu said...

First things first. "Kiss me thru the phone" is a fantastic song. Love it!

I feel you on arguing about fuel. NEPA tire me!

L0L @ being preggo for Baba Musibau...and Innocent going to comb his hair and putting on his VIP shirt...change ur syle..another one..another like that. Omo, that was the height of this entry. *still laughing* I suggest Lawrence Sanders & James Patterson

Anonymous said...

lol..sometimes I think my Mother actually plans how she would piss me off on particular days!...sigh** oh and I hate the way u always describe wat they put u guys thru during exams in ur school, me I would have vexed a long time ago...isnt there anything u guys can do???

Miss Definitely Maybe said...

ha ha ha ha ha
you make me glad I left home ages ago
my mum made me want to pull my hair out soo many times,
the woman used to annoy me on purpose.
how are you though? Its been ages, was in hospital for 8 days all in the name of being size zero lol

NigerianDramaQueen said...

Eya kpele, no light can be frustrating! Maybe the NEPA thing and all is adding to your tension with Mumsi. No vex shey you hear?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY in advance!!!

Penelope said...

Lool...hunnie im totally feeling you! that wanker of a crank boy will jst be vexn person...i fucking hate kiss me thru the foneee...cheiiiiiiiii!!
and florida has no talent!..He's just a nonsense guyy!

I crave me some dreamm...I can stay all night listening to himm
but he's all

and bou ur mother? Bebe im sure its all

nice blog btw..xo

exschoolnerd said...

@flabby..just like u i used to love style network but having watched it so much thnk to mummy dearest i hate it!

@Ladi...they are all the same..they r in every bank...the ones that have attitude seriously needs to be addressed..

@FineBoy Agbero ..amebo ni e!
i have to ask him if its ok to spill first.

@Cappuccine Baby ..i love mumcy too.b ut sometimes ehn..

@Lati their rudeness knows no bounds..its so annoying i swear..the chick spoilt my mood tha day ehn

@ Nefertiti @ The dream looking like a FAT MUGU...haba nau..wetin im do m husband u just insult laik that Nefertiti..ko da o!

@Miss saw the stanky leg thingie..i dnt even hav the strength to tlk about that one..

would try to get that book..thanks hun!

@Sprezatura... A MONTH!!!! do u like me at na na..

@olu..yeah i also have a james patterson novel i intend to read but will try n get more..

yall having light problems too?

@Tay-mee ..i also feel my mum does the same thing too..ryt now we r not tlking..

abt the school wahala..wat cn we student union govt nemore..well if there is they r not doing anything...

@Miss Definitely Maybe..I am fine dere...size 0..i hope u are okay now o! abeg dont try dat again o! no be by force..abeg!!! really hope u r better now dear.

@NigerianDramaQueen..thanks alot first bday wish..appreciate it.

@Penelope...finally someone who agrees that florida and soulja boi r shitty and the dream is
thnks for stopping by dear.

Nice Anon said...

lol. what a rant that
Florida is crap.

Ms.O said...

funny funny! Mumsies are like that! when i am awya from home, I miss her so much, 3hrs after i get home, the arguments ensues! I still love her tho! Nepa is just foolish!!! I hope the figure this ish out soon!

Anonymous said...

awww XSN, Nepa will get berra. Moms tend to annoy me too. Like arghhhhhhhh! u know. Happy baffday dear in advance. All the best. And I am soorry to say but I laffed through this post.

Kenn-Knotty said...

***We definitely hv to do it this month.*** What?
Ok, I need to think straight now.
Hmmmmmm, mumsies are great pain in the ass. They always want to know whaz gwan...never allowing a moment without notice.

Qube The Wordsmith said...

Kenny she meant d beach party!!!!


Just take it easy wiv ur mom....u knw she loves u rite?

Thanks boo, u knw hw we do na.... Mis Lowlah dnt wori u knw we'll stil c in camera..

bArOquE said...

ah ah, this you & your mama matter serious oh...make una try sha, e go better one day

Mommy said...

You wont kill me! This is a rant right? I just dey laugh here.

"The neighbour’s dog that barks a lil too loud when she passes is definitely possessed by some demonic spirit." Because she didn't shout I BIND YOU IN JESUS NAME. My mom does good day the dog almost chop her leg with vex...

Our mothers! WHat will we do without them? That's the only way they know how to show love :0)

icequeen said...

loooooool nice blog i tink all mums are like dat ooooh cos ma mom is more of ow u amom is but yet we cant leave wivout dem..........

BSNC said...

lol funny post as usual. NEPA and thier wahala pele.. lol bu that kiss me thru the phone song is not bad oo. yea mothers are like that sometimes.. you really warned i still enjoyed reading it though :)

Larom said...

I think all mums are like that and you never know how annoying they can get until you ae left alone with them...Don't Mind Nepa, I just pray Yar'Adua would deliver his promise...This is really a rant...

Cidersweet said...

Read your post earlier bt cudnt comment then.
This was a therapeutic post for me too. First, becuz I thot 'thank God its not just my Mum getting me' (infact lastnight she made me twist my face in a very very ugly scowl). Secondly it helped metake it easy with her. Thanxx.
And I hope you gelled better with her today. She loves you.

Afrobabe said...

lmao @ mumcy singing Halleluah hossana for 30 minutes...I would have started crying...hahaahhahah

Original Mgbeke said...

Pele about your mama o, hopefully as both of you get older you guys will understand each other more.

Happy baiday in advance! :-)

LOL @ innocent doing photo shoot. Too too funny.

Buy more Marian Keyes, Jane green, Emily Giffin...those are really nice chick lit books. I have read anybody out there? Good book.

exschoolnerd said...

@Nice Anon, he is crap!!! thnx for stopping by!

@ Ms.O ..yea i do miss her too..but sometimes ehn..chei!

@Temite..thnx for the birthday wish dear..really appreciate it!

@Kenn-Knotty do it again..i mean hang out again o!!! hmm..

@Qube The Wordsmith ..u go c for camera shey..u no even fear to post am for here

@bArOquE ...Oga baroque u decided to grace my page with ur presence today..thnk u o!!! @ ur mumcy shouting that.totally sumthing my mum can do!


ooh we have a new icequeen...nicee!! thnx for stopping by my blog..will check urs soon.

@ BSNC..u like d song..u know i hate the song..but guess wat happened today..i was washing plates and next thing i know i started singing 'kiss me thru the fone'...I still hate it though..its just bn played too much its in my head

@Larom ..abi o! cause the lite situation is bad bad bad!

@Cidersweet..thnx was much shouting..and thank God no singing.thnx for stoppping by!

@Afrobabe ..i almost started crying..i was just hissing! silently o!

@Original Mgbeke ...thnx for the birthday shout..really appreciate it....would definately check out those authors..thanx a bunsh!

Lady Koko said...

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!!!!!!!!1 wow i've never been on ur blog before..I REALLY WONDER WHY NOW!!!!!!..U ARE FLIPPING HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!! yet so endearing...awwwwwww.....

Anonymous said...

lmaoooooooooo I saw your facebook note hahaha about the addiction. It was toooo funny, lol...I wanted to comment but I just couldnt cos then I wouldnt be anonymous anymore. Toooooo funnny and that teddy was sooo cute lol. When I saw ur pic my first thot was I know this girl, lol she's kinda famous (seriously cos ur blog does rock). Then I was like it can't be, can it? It was!!

Buttercup said...

dang sweetie..all i can say is PELE and give u a million hugs!

awww u met!!!

happy birthday in advance hon..what u doing on that day???

Ms. Catwalq said...

It wasn't that long...

and you are where i was five years ago...without the demonic issues maman ain't got time for that.

blogoratti said...

Aww happy birthday in advance babes...wish you all the best for that day and always*.

LusciousRon said...

happy birthday in advance! Its birthday season on Blogsville.

You always crack me up. A nice way to end a hectic Friday. Try Harlan Coben he is good. I love his books. You could also get the Surgeon by Tess Gerritsen I think they have it at Nu metro in Silverbird.

Find the other side of me by Sidney Sheldon.

Enjoy your weekend and take it easy with mumsie. I hate NEPA too no light since Tuesday! I am at work all day so I don't mind much. there is Gen when i come home.

Go out more so you won't get on each others nerves.

mizchif said...

No b small rant be dis.
As for u and ur mum, it's all love!

Na wa 4 innocent and his change-ur-style oh, plus d singing sef, as if ur mamas own is not enuff.

So 23 ay....old woman. Where is d parry at. Hope u have some boncsers, so dey can chase anyborri u don't likes!

BTW, i jus read ur fb animation.
HILARIOUS babes. Pure talent and creativity.

wellsbaba said...

OW CAN U SAY U DISLYK KISS ME THRU D FONE???? kai! men r frm mars women venus laide jupiter

Vivien said...

I laughed so much at this post i had tear rolling down my cheeks. Your mom reminds me so much of mine - that part where everything is demonic. What I dreaded so much was her daily phonecalls asking if i've found a husband (how does one find a husband in 24hrs?)...SIGH!! Lost her a month ago (April 5)... Now i long for those calls

aeedeeaee said...


i dey think say na my mama na im urinate person off pass! wayo allah! Some children do have

i'm sorry about the GTB C**'re usually nice.

f***ing long rant!

aeedeeaee said...

look for love rules or home truths by Freya North...hilarious!