So there I was thinking…. Like I always do.. (When am I not thinking?)….so I was thinking what if, we could draw up contracts before we enter into a relationship..would it make things much easier…well I think so… both parties would deliberate on what they want in the relationship.. put it in writing and sign..boy wouldn't that be lovely- I think! Yeah the usual ingredients that make a relationship work will of course be there..that goes without saying..or should I say without being put down to paper..but what of those other little things...
I Laide west, (herefore refered to as the lady) being of sound mind and yada yada yada (pardon me I don’t quite have all the legal jargons down) have entered into a relationship with Kanye west (herefore refered to as the man)…by signing I hereby agree to all the rules in this contract.
1. Both parties will divulge information about
a) Past boyfriends/girlfriends
b) Any strange or weird habits e.g (chanting in the middle of the night, farting to the tune of a song, smelling of fart, braiding pubic hair)….etc
c) Financial status
e) Religious beliefs or cult affiliations
2. The man should call the lady at least five times a day… for nothing less than 30minutes…he must say ‘I love you’ before he ends the call even if his friends are there and mean it too.
3. The lady must invest in sexy lingerie and nightwear... Torn up panties are a no-no, and those horrid looking hairnets should be burnt…no painting of her face wit nixoderm and tying of wrapper when she comes over.
4. The man must not rush foreplay… foreplay should last for 1 hour, after which he can now proceed to the main event…
5. Sexual positions should be limited what the lady can do, she isn’t a contortionist neither is she cirque du soleil performer so save those freaky moves you saw in that porno for another lifetime.
6. The lady must not nag!
7. The lady should always have the last word…to prevent her from nagging.
8. If the man forgets the lady’s birthday, anniversary, valentine’s day… all dates which are important to the lady …he will make it up to her by buying her something very expensive, nothing less than 30,000 naira (receipts should be provided for proof)
9. It’s the responsibility of the guy to pay for almost everything e.g movie tickets, grocery shopping, a bag, shoe, necklace, dress, shirt the lady wants, restaurant bill, sending the lady credit…the lady will also chip in when she can, the man Is not her father.
10. The lady must work out to keep her body in shape and looking as hot as when the man first met her, love handles will not be tolerated neither will double chins.. as this will serve as a breach of contract..
11. The lady must never! I repeat never! Disturb the man while he watches football, she must never interrupt his hangouts with his buddies too.
12. Sex occurs four times a week.. both parties should look at their schedule and figure out what days of the week works for them… except Sundays..even Jesus rested on the seventh day.
13. The man must not stare at the derriere or any other part of another female lustfully… if caught doing this…he will be punished severely…he must accompany the lady on all her girlie activities (as agonizing as it might be)… e.g going to the market, saloon, watching a chick flick, accompanying her to see a girlfriend, painting her nails)….for a whole month, relinquishing all football watching rights and buddie hangouts..
14. The lady must also ensure her armpits and other places are shaven..the man is allowed to look like a caveman.
15. The man will help the lady out in the kitchen, he will not sit his ass down, shouting orders from the sitting room.
16. What belongs to the man’s is also the lady’s.. what is the lady’s is exactly what it is - the lady’s.
17. Fights and arguments that ensue between both parties shouldn’t not be discussed with a third party.
18. Faking orgasms is encouraged, what can I say the man has got a big ego, such a big ego..you wouldn’t wanna deflate it now.would you?
19. The man is entitled to five or more acts of oral sex a week…but who’s counting?
20. In the event that the man pulls a ‘tiger wood’ …. Or the lady is caught cheating… both parties will go their separate ways… and in the future would not date friends, colleagues, family members of the other party.
21. In the event that the man or the lady wants out of the relationship… they should tender a three months notice. This will give the other party ample time to find a replacement.