Saturday, 19 June 2010

Dear santa

Dear Santa,

I know its kinda odd writing my first dear santa at my age, but u see over here in Nigeria we are not really brought up to believe in santa claus, infact we call him ‘father Christmas’ and most times…. Our oh so special father Christmas turns out to be our driver……and they give the crappiest gifts like plastic spoons, matches..seriously that kinda thing vexes a child…so yeah I gave up on ‘father Christmas’ but u are santa…the boss of all bosses..u are like the rick ross of all ‘father xmas and santa’s everywhere so I thought id take my plea to you.
Oh hows Mrs Claus and the family and EKaette? Hope she’s not giving you people wahala o!
Ok santa my name is laiyonce and I am a kul chiqk with manner(lol…u gata b on twitter for this line to make sense to you) ….ive been good so far this year..i mean I eat my veggies(efo n egusi), I brush my teeth(like I have a choice) I haven’t told that many lies…I didn’t get pregnant….okay yeah ive seen a few vuvuzela’s (might have touched cant remember..) and I’ve let em see mai jabulanis (dey might have touched too not too sure) I have sexual relations amnesia…but am a grown ass woman now…at least am not using mai ikebe to collect money…that’s a good thing right?
Yeah ive had a few sexual tots about a whole lotta guys (the rock,jeremih,trey songz, that fine ass hottie I saw at yaba, jerkface) and a few gurls (liv tyler n Kerry Washington) …and ok maybe I watch lesbian porn…..whaaaaaat!!!! don’t u? but m not a lesbian….
I did steal my brothers 1k (it was just lying there with its cute dimpled face shouting ‘laide take me! Take me pls! it broke my heart) I couldn’t let it down could i? lets just say I adopted it…
I know I am the mineral bandit- the unseen mineral thief in our house….and I love reading the bad parts in novels…
I know I don’t say my payers everyday even though I should know better..and I laugh at Mrs okonkwo’s beards….but u would laugh to if you saw the beard on this woman…it’s a full on goatie right now….i mean doesn’t she have a mirror…ok m done gossipin…oh yeah! I don’t gossip much cause it’s a waste of time, if I do it its not spiteful gossiping..just stuff like ‘ did u see wat aisha used as a lacefront wig? Darling yaki! Hahahahaa…..and that’s about it..we don’t insult aisha! Never!
I never hate on anyone….thats one thing I never do!
I give to the needy….except that one guy that is always hissing if you don’t give him anything..where does he get off giving people that help him attitude…so I don’t give him cause he doesn’t appreciate nothing.
I know I use words like ode, fool, u dey mad, fucktard oshi, oloshius fellow, disgorritant..but its all jokes santa and the peeps don’t mind.
I also have my good side…I help friends out, I am nice n caring..and thoughtful and all those other good things….i don’t dig my nose in public, neither do I scratch my butt….i don’t fart in public(ok except that one time I mistakenly let it slip infront of daddy but I apologized na….butt muscles just couldn’t care less that day….i am not my butt muscles santa!)
And I know I curse a lot…but you would too if u were using GLO.
I guess the point I am trying to make here is that I have not been totally good but I haven’t been bad either…been more good than bad…I want to ask for one thing this xmas and it would really make me happy.
Santa I want yansh!
I want Omotola Jalade Ekeinde kind of yansh, the yansh that will make a guy drive off third mainland bridge if he’s looking too much…that make people park their cars come out and start clapping and singing… ‘Come and see what the Lord has done, there is nothing he cannot do..come and see what the Lord has done’..the kinda yansh apple bottoms were made for…the yansh that can start a trending topic on twitter called –Laide’syansh and would have a fanpage on facebook of over 500,000 fans…that’s the kind I want santa….
I hope ive been able to convince u and not confuse you on why I need some junk in my trunk…
Bye santa.
Ps: I know about u and Ekaette.

23 comments:

scarletboy said...

first!!!
lol, ekayte, vuvuzelas, jabulanis,lesbo porn need i say more... u are of ur rockers!!!
of all the things to ask santa for its ikebe? chei, just go to the nearest vulcanizer if u need em so bad, lol. nice post.

TaioFierce Ameen said...

LOL @ 'ive seen a few vuvuzelas... and I’ve let em see mai jabulanis' best play on word in a while....nice post..

Toni said...

ROTFLMAO!!! And Ekaette gets "gifts" from Santa too?? lol

mizchif said...

Craze pikin! I've missed these ur mad posts.
So you've been playing with vuvuzelas ehn? And showing off ur jabulanis. And you expect santa to answer you.
Plus u even now decided to use blackmail? Let's see how far u'll get.

I do feel a little sorry for non-twitter folks sha, they'll miss small inside jokes here.

The experiences of an achiever....... said...

Laide!!!! this is corruption!! as Santa's trustworthy elf I can't tolerate you blackmailing him!! you are not getting shishi this year..he he..
P.S - Pray tell, what is the manner joke? I want to know!!!! *throwing tantrum

Signed Elf Adia

blackrubies said...

HA HA HA HA funny!! Funny P.s.
U write really funny, but I am very sure Santa would give u the booty,
'Ring ring booty call on the cellular this thing be curved like parabola so spectacular u can't mess with this but not the regular...(I really want to sing the whole song but we get the point sha)

Kenn-Knotty said...

Lol...this Laide wont kill us o with her inventions. So, penicastrise is now called Vuvuzelas? Crazy post...but am hugging it.

Anonymous said...

Lmao @ ur play wiv words....d vuvuz nd d jabuls...nice one bbz...
Oh, nd I'm sure u knw u aint really gonna get d ikebe abi?! :p. Lol

Ms Dang said...

Laide...chei be u kno say u no well abi? LOL...blackmailing a whole Santa ehn? Nothing for you at all at all. You shall have an inverted bakassi come this X-mas. :-P.

Afrigenic said...

Blackmailing Santa...LOL...love this

Nutty J. said...

rotflmao

Beulah! said...

Chai Laide, r u funny or wat?..lolololol

Bomb! said...

Crazy!! Lovely!! Creative!!

phurstlaydiee said...

omg!!!!! you rule funny-ville.....
and may santa grant you(nd me 2) that wish..i mean, its not to much 2 ask 4 ehn??? just a big, BAD, hell raising,heaven pulling ikebe.. dts all we want abi??

Kiky said...

lol

Miss Natural said...

laide you are fanf******tastic!! lol this was funny! i could so relate, hehe. the ikebe one, the fart one lol...Santa had better answer your prayer sha. I like how you are praying months in advance so at least we know that there is a 99% chance that he got your letter!!!!

BBB said...

laide!!!!!!!!

isha said...

LMAO. You are crazy! Nice blog.

Anonymous said...

Lmaoo. U dis geh, u won't kill sm1. U rock babes. I knw bout Santa n Ekaette too. Smh.

Nene said...

LOLOLOL at vuvuzelas n jabulanis

Codename_Ima said...

Blackmailing santa, thats wrong, it goes against all the principles of what is right, its evil... I LUV IT! Awesome blog, it really makes sense. I cud read this on a bad day and feel better all of a sudden.

elspeth b said...

aunty! I was fuckin sent out of class for laughin so loudly.. I burst out so loudly ma lecturer asked me what kinda doctor i wanted to become... I write like dis too, same style, but i dnt thnk i ave the balls to post this for the wrld to see! Ma bf and odas will die if they read the truth bou wht goz on in this doctorettes life.. Nice one there laide... Ur head dey there!

elspeth b said...

aunty! I was fuckin sent out of class for laughin so loudly.. I burst out so loudly ma lecturer asked me what kinda doctor i wanted to become... I write like dis too, same style, but i dnt thnk i ave the balls to post this for the wrld to see! Ma bf and odas will die if they read the truth bou wht goz on in this doctorettes life.. Nice one there laide... Ur head dey there!