Sunday, 1 July 2012

Aso-ebi Queen

If I get invited to one more ex-classmates wedding I’ll just…. I’ll just… I’ll just GO!

*sigh* like really what am I supposed to say…

“erm sorry I cant make it to your wedding because you are getting married and I haven’t found my Mc dreamy yet and so I sorta hate your happy stinking guts…please die”


So I’ll suck it up, thank God I am wearing this sexy dress the tailor sewed and its not that tight, ill still look good after 3 plates of small chops… like common… if I am not getting married I can at least have small chops…

Who knows my Mc dreamy will be probably at this wedding… I know I know I said the same thing at the other 20 weddings I’ve been to…but who knows this might just be the one… the one where I meet the bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh, sugar in my coffee,g-string in my buttcrack....he'll spot me from across the room, stylishing guzzling one samosa after the other and think to himself “that’s the woman I want to marry” …. He’ll come over introduce himself and say something weird like “I like the way you eat” and I’ll laugh and be like “ooooookaaaaay, that’s a first” and he’ll introduce himself… it’ll be something like “Lancelot” …lol no not “Lancelot! Lance gini” …erm maybe “David, yeah David”.

“Hi I am David by the way” He’ll shake my hand…not the samosa stained one, my other sexy samosa free hand.

“Nice to meet you David, my name is Maryam” I’d say, secretly wishing he didn’t reply with  the cheesy ‘Oh what a beautiful name”

He didn’t… CUE in HALLELUYAH

“Bride or Groom” he’d ask.

I’d pretend I didn’t understand because I want to hear him speak again, that voice..

“I meant who are you here for? The bride or the groom”

“Oh the bride! We went to school together”
“He would smile and ask... are you here alone?" not some silly line like “If I were your husband I wouldn’t leave you all by urself looking so stunning”

“NO!” I’d lie… not to look pathetic…. I came with a friend but she’s somewhere around.
He won’t say “I wouldn’t mind knowing you more better” …..he would say

“So Maryam, if I wanted to see you again, some other time would that be possible?”

I would front…..NOT!  but I would pace myself..

“Well …yeah sure… why not”

He would smile that his smile I have come to love, no like…. and my heart would melt…well not really but let just say it’s an amazing smile…who am I kidding…it melts my fucking heart….

Is he married? Or maybe he’s a killer… or ….okay mind stop trying to screw this up.

“Okay here is my card, can I have yours or your number or something”

That smile again….wow!!!

Thank God he didn’t ask for my pin…BBM conversations have a way of ruining things…

I don’t have my card, so I give him my number… both numbers just incase MTN decides to mess up in usual fashion.

Hope he’s not one of them ask for your number but don’t call types

Like he can read my mind he’d say “I’ll be calling you soon”

Soon? What is soon? Soon can be next month, next year, give us a time na!
But I gotta act like it aint nothing but a thing, like guys call me everytime….so I’d say.

“Sure! Give me a call anytime”

“Maryam its been nice talking to you but I gotta run, I have another wedding to attend”

What if he meets someone else at that wedding that eats samosa better than I do… what then? What if he likes the way she eats too, what if she can juggle 4 samosa's with her tongue and he gets off on that kind of thing…a million and one thoughts fill my mind…what if…

“Oh okay! Have fun!” I say

“Weddings are not fun for me, but I’ll try”

I’d reply with “ME TOO!”

But he’d be gone…. Mr Nice smile, Sexy voice…. Yup! gone…​

Maryam!!! Maryam!!! Maryam!!!

I had been day dreaming again

“Ah ahn iv been shouting your name since, what have you been thinking about oooo”

I turn around and its another ex classmate coming towards me


I look at her finger…thank God no ring… and immediately I feel bad for thinking that…

Hi dear! *hug hug kiss kiss, fake laugh, gossip and reminisce*

“Ehen Maryam… I want to invite you to my wedding”

FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU!! FUCK YOU!!! And oh FUCK YOU again … I say in my mind

“Wow that’s lovely! Ah ahn where’s your engagement” ring I ask.

“Long story dear…. Got robbed but I am getting another one next week”

“I hope you will be there, bring your boyfriend okay” She says with a smile.

Foolish forward bitch..

Oh yeah, I’ll bring him…congrats ooooh!!!

Thanks dear…we’ll talk later let me go and give some other people their invites.

*pops samosa into mouth and tries to juggle with tongue but fails*

I am leaving!

(to be continued)


TigerFireRose said...

I'm in the aso-ebi league too, but I'm also a professional bridesmaid to crown it all *sigh* stupid gowns u can never wear again

wumie said...

Lmao! Bring your boyfriend!

Anonymous said...

Smallie :) Nice write up.. If say you don gree now...


exschoolnerd said...

@spankavelli haha you no well ooo

@tigerfirerose lol at professional me i dont even go for wedding

@wumie thanks for reading :)

~Sirius~ said...

Long time no read.

#random. Do you go through your zanga posts from way back.

moncherie said...

Lol. No late comer joor

Önyx said...

LMAO I love this post. Soooo true ''bring your boyfriend''. Why you gotta assume!? Arggh

exschoolnerd said...

@sirius once in a while i check out my xanga posys but haven't done it in a bit tho

@onyx haha

d_laru said... that a first. I bet that's what goes on in the minds of my female friends. Nice read

@kbabspeaks said...

that was frigging these are the things that run through ladies' minds, who knew...lovely writing

Nonye said...

loooool! very funny indeed... you've exposed us, these men now know...

Anonymous said...

Lol, very funny read. Alas!One day he will come.

Anonymous said...

Hilarious ......dis is crazzzyyy

Anonymous said...

Lol, Nice one, the samosa part was d one dt got me laffing, cldnt tell which u liked more, the food or the guy...

Tope said...

nyc! You write real good!

'Lara said...

I am so happy to be far away from home. No aso-ebi money, no fake smile and all the congratulations is on facebook biko. I will not kill myself with hypertension.

Anonymous said...

this is funny... i like.

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Detayo Bello said...

Still lmao!!! Picturing it all was bloody hilarious! nice 1!

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

Pls finish d story nau...

Somi Ekhasomhi said...

Wow! I'm ashamed to say this is the first time I'm reading your blog! I love you... No homo:) (just has to say that, never had a chance to use it before)
Anyway, I thought you were great on twitter, but just one post and I know twitter alone can never do you justice.... Have I said I love you? :)
Great post.... I'm also in the Aso-Ebi regiment right now, but I've met my mcdreamy sha :)

Tisha Smith said...

Okay, they just avoid your boring posts
How does linda do it, that she gets so many comments?
Or Bella?

Brytedude said...

I don't know what to say cos I just can't stop laughing... One more thing, pls add a like button... Better still a love button if there's one.

Anonymous said...

wooooow!!!! ive really missed ur posts. i have read every post u have on this blog and used to be a crazy follower of your blog. there was a time it became the highlight of my day, its sad life has come in the way and you don't post anymore. please please we need more posts!!!!!!

Miss TLG said...

Very on point