Saturday, 10 May 2014

An Ajebo's Guide To Entering Danfo




See Michael Jackson enters Danfo too


Hi Ajebo (IJGB's fall in this category),

Say hi back to me now.. i don't bite na..only on Friday nights.....see i'm not full pako....i used to be like you once.. now i am mixed class - Part Ajebo/Part Ajepako... Ajepako is such a pako word by the way.... so strong in the mouth...lol

Oh u are warming up to me now.. i'm cool and sturvs..i say stuff like sturvs? oh that's not in? but i know who Jay-z and Rihanna are..oh i went to private schools, i say Ouch not Ye!...  i get's down like that yo! yo! okay i'm over doing it now....but there's still ajebo in my blood. Honestly...:)

So why do u need a guide to enter danfo you say? Not like you are ever going to need to enter one.

I swear i told myself that for the first 20 years of my life until one day my dad called me and said 'Not everyday driver, some days enter bus' ...lol he didn't put it that way but i thought my life was going to end. I mean at every point in my life i was always driven everywhere i had to go to.


'But daddy..how? where? who? with what? like how'? as in? is like? did the driver die? ' so many questions i had...answers were not forth coming...

'Enter bus, even me i can go and enter molue now' he bragged

I gave him the side eye...suuuuuuuuuuuuuuure!

'But i've never entered  a bus before who will take me..its not fair'

'Life is not fair' 

Opari! bus here i come.


My first reaction was to cry....then think... who do i know that lives around that can show me the ropes. I asked my neighbor and found out she actually goes my way every morning.. i mean... was the universe in on this too?

The week after picture a 4ft something person holding the hand of an almost 6ft person crossing the road at Ketu bustop...saying 'So you remove ur earphones so u can hear where the conductor is calling out, if its Yaba you enter quickly, make sure you hold your exact change oh, don't sleep inside the bus...'err as if!'....don't fight with the conductor.'suuuure i'm really into trading blows with conductors, my favourite pastime'...Make sure you announce when u reach ur bustop...WHAAAAAAT!!! that was the hardest part for me.

For some reason i was too shy to say that Owa...so i'd pray someone else was coming down at my stop so i wouldn't have to say it...but i digress... lets get back to you my sweet ajebo...

So you see one day i had a personal driver who dropped me off at school ...next thing i know i was being thrust into the big bad world of area boys, conductors and flying out of buses...shit happens... you just might need this guide... Maybe your car breaks down and its very late and your phones are dead...and there's no cab in sight and ur name is badluck..lol..maybe all that happened and only buses were available..what would you do?  Hitchhike? pls pls pls. I may have slacked  a lil with my danfo taking but i still remember ike it was yesterday so here goes nothing


FOLLOW THESE STEPS


1. Get to a bustop and ask someone who looks sensible for information - Please can i get bus to Yaba from here. If no, they'll probably tell you where you can. If yes you are on Course.

2. Listen up for those men who hang off danfo buses...wait! do you even know what a danfo looks like? ..hace! Mr kpako reading this,squeezing ur face and saying 'Who doesn't know what a danfo is abeg' ...not everyone is accustomed to ur bolekaja lifestyle jare....eat ur eba.

3. Ehen! My Ajebo jare ..A danfo is usually a 14 seater bus that is painted yellow with black stripes...Yeah its coming to you now shey?..you can remember now? Those buses u usually glance at through the tinted windows of your Chauffeur driven Range rover that u never used to pay any mind? Yeah

4. Now there are some men who hang off the door of those buses, no they are not mad...not always. They are called conductors...their job is to announce the destination....and disgrace their family name during fights.

5.At this point you should hear in very thick amala coated voice 'Yaba, Oyingbo! or Yaba Palmgroove ! being announced by the conductor.The final destination is Oyingbo but they'll definitely be passing Yaba so you can enter any of those buses.

6. Check out the bus and the people in it first, in my Ajebo days 10 buses going to my destination could pass and i wouldn't enter cause i'd be looking for the my mind settled on. I don't advice you to do this but avoid the very rickety buses cause chances are the door will fall off in motion and cause them to stop several times.

7. Don't enter if they are all men and they have strong faces...lol... its not some people's fault sha they are not kidnappers they just have strong faces but why take the chance

8. Don't enter if your gut says NO ...

9. Don't enter if the only space is beside someone carrying a basket of tomato ..except u want to get to ur destination smelling like tomatoe juice

9b. Don't enter if a man is holding a chicken beside you... yeah, this one is close to home..really emotional for me... just don't..nothing good will come out of it..nothing.

10. Don't enter if its at night and the conductor announces repeatedly 'one chance' and ur gut says NO...you can probably enter during the day. One chance means there's only one space left. Its their way to let you know the bus is full so you wont be delayed so come take the last space.At night you'd be tempted to cause its dark and you want to get home quickly but be careful. Many have entered and have been seen no more *insert Labe Orun theme song here*


11. The best seats are Front seat  beside the driver and on the last row of seats...the space close to the window beside the door. You can quickly fly out incase of emergency. Yes fly

12.Conductors assume everyone who enters a bus is Yoruba so if you hear the words 'owo da ni wa ju' or 'Owo da' have no fear ...it means 'You in the front seat where is your money'(if u r sitting in the front) or 'Where is your money'

13. Ask the conductor how much the trip is before you enter, you are ajebo you'll probably pay anything they say though. ..i used to be like that..but these days if i know the normal fare...nobody can gba me.(U see i even use area girl words like gba now..this pako life)


14. Try as much as possible to have change or else you'll be married off to someone else ...on a mission to find change when you drop off.


15.Do not fight or insult the conductor.. why would u... u are ajebo and they like to disgrace their family..do the math.

16. If its your first time going to Yaba, be sure to ask a fellow passenger to let you know when you are at Yaba, once they do be sure to say 'Driver Yaba wa' or 'Conductor Yaba wa' loud enough for the people in the third bus behind u to hear...practice at home if necessary in the voice you use to shout on the gateman. It is very important...some of these conductors/drivers are deaf and cant afford hearing aid.


17. Make sure the driver stops before you get down...sometimes they assume you are vandamme and life is action film.. they expect you to jump out while the bus is moving slowly. DONT! SHOUT! SCREAM !if possible. Make them stop before u get down.

Then get down quickly!!!

CONGRATS!!!!!!! u just popped your danfo cherry.

You have made it to Yaba bustop Ajebo! Oya enter cab to your destination in Yaba, you have tried today.




8 comments:

detroyx said...

Brilliant, funny, interesting and a creative write up. Thumbs up!

Anonymous said...

I'm dying here, so so funny. Labe orin part slayed me!!!

mizchif said...

EHEN! Not everytime twitter, sometimes blogger.

This cracked me up for real.
I remember sometime in secondary school when i had to start finding my way and Lord knows it wasn't easy. Can't remember the last time i had to enter a bus until like 2weeks ago after i looked at my wallet, no be pesin tell me where to find bus.

You didn't add that on certain routed the bus drivers may not actually reach the previously announced destination but stop you somewhere and either try to put you on another bus (if they are very nice) or expect you to find your way "wetin, no be the next bust stop, e no far jare"

'Lara said...

Hehehe, this some serious guide oh...it really cracked me up.

Ugonma Ajike said...

Lol

belinda chiazor said...

Lmao! Hilarious! And you'll be surprised how many so-called 'Ajebos' can relate to this!

Miss TLG said...

hahaha kinda funny but true men, really true, and mizchif's comment is also on point o otherwise you can get lost in all the corners those people go through.

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