Monday, 16 June 2014

10 Reasons Why You Are Not Married ( Women)

This post is entirely Tongue-in-cheek ..please DO NOT take seriously

1. Soup of The Day not Outfit of The Day

When your mates were doing Soup of the day.. you were doing Outfit of the day. You think you are the only one that has baffs? No my dear... they are wise.

Oya take that Birkin bag on long walks on the beach na let us see.

2. No one has seen your real hair or seen you without make-up.

When you are not the man in the iron mask.

Who wants to marry someone whose real face they have never seen ... that's a gamble not many men are willing to take.

3. You go out too much

At this event on Bellanaija today, pictures of you at another event on Linda ikeji tomorrow..every other day you are going for one event or the other... he's already calculating all the dresses, shoes and bags he'll have to buy for you when you get married. Onigbese!

4. You are very vocal/opinionated on social media

Every time i'm a feminist feminist feminist... all men hear is lesbian lesbian lesbian... 'my voice must be heard', 'equal rights equal rights'... blah blah blah... SHUT! UP! Oya marry yourself na.

5.You have a car

I can see at this point you want to use ur own hand to spoil your destiny.
What are you buying car for?  Who sent you message?
How is a man supposed to feel like he is your knight in shinning armour if u are driving a Range Rover Vouge?

Maifriend go and drop that car now ..and wait at that bus-top for your husband.

6. You don't go clubbing

When younger and sexier girls are taking it to the floor and picking it up slow in the club... you balance jaburata for house. I can see this marriage thing is not really important to you.
Is it until cellulite invades all ur thighs finish that you'll know that you should knack those bum shorts and go and shake away the last strength you have in that your body at the club.

7. You are keeping it till your wedding night

Wedding night that is not sure? Your village people are winning this battle. How will wedding night materialize with no man?

See ehn... when yellow girls that have attack and defence on lockdown are giving it up for 400 Naira recharge card are here shouting that wedding night or bust. Better just go and buy the parrot that you'll be telling i love you and he'll be responding till you die.

8. You are too honest

Always talking about your faults/Mistakes... shut up! shut up!

Until you are married you might as well be Mother Theresa. Going on social media talking about one night stands and threesomes claiming blunt.

Why does he need to know that your body count is 139? why? you keep that information till you die.. Your default body count is 3.. anybody ask say 3. They wake you up in the middle of the night... 3!... You get to heaven 3!

9. You only like normal boring sex

He wanted to hang you from the ceiling and you were shouting. Okay now.. you better cirque du soleil up and tie your self to that damn ceiling right now.

Whats 'Strong' with you.. you think its a game? Its war out here..smaller and more portable girls are available and you are there saying you don't want to break your head. Let that head scatter. Give that man what he wants.

10. You flaunt your intelligence

Instead of you to jejely be talking about telemundo and the latest brown powder in town you too want to be talking politics and educating him on matters he has no idea about. Wonders shall never end.

NEVER! I repeat NEVER let him know you are more intelligent than he need to be able to let the dumbest of men feel like they are effing Einstein.



ijeoma said...

Hilarious. I laughed out loud several times.

BOB DYLAN said...

You r such a nutcase.. I just fell off my chair reading this.

Anonymous said...

Lmao but I don't wanna break my neck doe... Laide thanks for a good laugh.

exschoolnerd said...

Thanks for reading guys :)

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the good laugh.....but true

Anonymous said...

On a 1-10 count, how many reflect you?
Post if its more than 7.

Anonymous said...

Lool this made my morning, gotta share wiv my frnds10 and 8 killed me.

Anonymous said...

Crazy post babe. You haven't lost it after all this time. Might I say you got better ;) Thank you

Yvonne Ajifoh said...

Interesting & funny. Good job Laide
I like

Bee.Az said...

Haven't been here in ages, your sense of humuor is still amazing!

Sunkanmi Ogunsegha said...

hilarious!! even though i disagree on a few of those points...i sha laffed sha..

exschoolnerd said...

@anonymous 01:27 Glad i could do that

@anonymous 01:33 ...LOOOL.. not talking

@anonymous 03:21 Happy to have done that

@anonymous 04:36 oh wow! thanks :)

@Yvonne & Beez : Yall rock for taking the time out to read and comment

@sukanmi .. its not supposed to be taken seriously at all

Deolu, L.A said...

Funny but true. Ain't no tongue in cheek

opeyemi said...

Laide please marry me! You've got everything I need! I almost died laughing while screaming your name! Dopenesss!

Ireti Oladapo said...

Whatever babe, don't stop writing.

Olatunji Rahman said...

Lol dear.....this just made my nyt..can't just stop laughing

Anonymous said...

LMAOOOOOOO Spot on....

Anonymous said...

Omg! Perfect example of a nutcase.....guess I still have a chance to wear bum shorts (babu cellulite) #hehehehe

Anonymous said...

😂😂😂 funny much!!